Reply to Need Advice: Setting Boundaries with Mother as an Adult

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Let me guess. Your mother is black and your husband is white.

The time to prep your husband about norms of elder respect  was before you got married. That ship has sailed. Unfortunately, old black folks don’t really believe in boundaries lol.   You will have to accept that your relationship with your mom is not going to be the same. [/quote]

Yes, she (and I) are black. We talked about this a lot before getting married and many times since. It's the same thing over. She wants a level of respect and gives little in return. It's better sometimes than others. You give too much and here we are.

She doesn't even honor the same rules she raised me by. [/quote]

Unfortunately, she just isn’t going to change. So much of this really is cultural. A lot of our elders really believe that whatever they say goes and that they’ve earned the right to be that way. One thing to know is that likely this wouldn’t be that different if your husband were black. Black husbands aren’t any better at kissing MIL ass than white ones. [/quote]

I figured as much. Her behavior over the years always comes in waves. The deference thing is something she always comes back to, when I think our generation might lean more towards giving more respect to those who demonstrate they are worthy of it, not solely based on age. I could see her thinking she's earned it by virtue of age, but like I said, DH reacts when she oversteps and especially when it is dangerous or is something regarding our kids. [/quote]

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