Need Advice: Setting Boundaries with Mother as an Adult

[Anonymous]

Is your husband white? I can see why she wouldn’t want a white man bossing her around and disrespecting her (her view). You will have to let her know that you’re not going to take sides, that you don’t want her just coming into your house during the pandemic, and that she and your DH have different cultural expectations and they’ll never fully meet at a place both can be happy. Reiterate that you live her and she’s your mother, but he’s your husband. Tell her that you aren’t in danger and don’t want her trying to poison you [find a more tactful phrase] against your husband and the father of your children.

I agree with PP who said the most alarming thing is her going to 5 stores then coming to your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband white? I can see why she wouldn’t want a white man bossing her around and disrespecting her (her view). You will have to let her know that you’re not going to take sides, that you don’t want her just coming into your house during the pandemic, and that she and your DH have different cultural expectations and they’ll never fully meet at a place both can be happy. Reiterate that you live her and she’s your mother, but he’s your husband. Tell her that you aren’t in danger and don’t want her trying to poison you [find a more tactful phrase] against your husband and the father of your children.

I agree with PP who said the most alarming thing is her going to 5 stores then coming to your house.

Yes - he's white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband white? I can see why she wouldn’t want a white man bossing her around and disrespecting her (her view). You will have to let her know that you’re not going to take sides, that you don’t want her just coming into your house during the pandemic, and that she and your DH have different cultural expectations and they’ll never fully meet at a place both can be happy. Reiterate that you live her and she’s your mother, but he’s your husband. Tell her that you aren’t in danger and don’t want her trying to poison you [find a more tactful phrase] against your husband and the father of your children.

I agree with PP who said the most alarming thing is her going to 5 stores then coming to your house.

No, actually the experts on marriage-researchers, etc would say you and your husband need to get on the same team and present a united front. She needs to see she cannot get between you. If you don't take sides, you are allowing bad behavior. There is no neutrality. You have to keep the family you created healthy and you do that by having healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand - are you or your husband/children high risk? Because otherwise, the bigger risk is to her. And she’s taking a lot of risk already, by going to 5 stores. She can take on a little more by using your bathroom. It seems heartless to yell at her for that.

[Anonymous]

I think both your mom and your DH overreacted on this situation, but it is probably based on past interactions.

If this were my household, either mom, we would grumble, disinfect and move on. But - we present a united front on all things, which you and your DH are not doing. Forgot this this taking sides mess - you discuss this with your DH and let your mom know in uncertain terms that neither your nor your DH will defer to her.

Also, don’t sweep this under the rug as “it’s cultural”. This is just YOUR mom, and I DO think your DH being white contributes to your mom’s problem, especially if your DH wasn’t raised in a similar fashion. You need to cut those apron strings. I get it - I’m the only child of a single, black mother. But your mom is tripping - the statements about you not being safe raise red flags for me as far as her interference, and willingness to manipulate you (she knows she can’t manipulate your DH).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand - are you or your husband/children high risk? Because otherwise, the bigger risk is to her. And she’s taking a lot of risk already, by going to 5 stores. She can take on a little more by using your bathroom. It seems heartless to yell at her for that.

Different poster. You arew dangerously ill-informed. They are at risk too, especially if she is going out to stores. Younger people die too. Younger people end up in the hospital. Just because she is more at risk, doesn't mean she isn't putting the family at risk. Your response is dangerous because you are trying to make OP feel guilty by calling her "heartless" and you clearly don't have a good understanding of transmission and risk. Check yourself.