DH doesnt get anxiety, is very level headed, very logical...it drives me nuts

[Anonymous]

Well only drives me nuts some of the time. Last month I had a cancer scare. I grew up with a mom whose brain immediately went to worst case scenarios and I've spent most of my life trying to avoid that. But when something big happens, my anxiety completely takes over.

DH spent 2 years working in a war torn country. He's been behind a vehicle that blew up. He's been shot at. This was before we met. So he has always had a very " whatever happens we will figure it out and we will deal with it" attitude. He has a hard time understanding my anxiety but is respectful of it.

Now as you can imagine, my mind was firing in 10,000 directions during this scare. From how to tell DS/family/friends to financial worries because I'd probably have to quit my job (work in healthcare) etc. DH would just hold me and tell me we will get through whatever happens. Which is all good and normally I appreciate it but MAN. Sometimes I want him to freak out. Sometimes I want him to show more emotion about these things. I brought it up to him and he apologized but basically said that when you come to terms with your own mortality (being shot at) you develop a "what happens happens and there is no use freaking out about the unknown. You deal with it when it becomes the known". The feelings have been brought back up because I have to go for another scan to make sure I'm still all clear. I'm glad DH is trying to temper my anxiety, and I know it's more healthy in the long run. But dammit...freak out with me a little!!

[Anonymous]

Well, I’m glad you are ok, for one. Health scares are no fun and it’s legitimate to feel anxiety. But you have to be able to acknowledge the bad feelings and then keep going with your day. You shouldn’t want to drag DH into your spiral. He sounds amazing, really. Like he doesn’t share your anxiety but he’s not a condescending jerk about it; he apologizes.

Think of it this way: No one marries someone with the same temperament as them. You are complements to each other. It’s better that way.

It really sounds like maybe you are the one who needs to get her anxiety under control.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I’m grateful that my husband talks me down and sometimes I’m so irritated he can be rational in hard situation s.

[Anonymous]

I just want to add that my husband grew up in a war-torn country and experienced all that stuff, too, for years. And also has an "it's fate" mentality, like he doesn't care. He has no control so he just accepts whatever will be.

It took me over a decade to discover this attitude is really a defense mechanism because he himself has anxiety. You might find that he doesn't want to emotionally deal with the idea you might be seriously sick.....and that's why he seems so distant/businesslike/logical.......

[Anonymous]

I’m glad my dh has the calm mentality to balance my anxiety. If we were both freaking out, It would be bad.

[Anonymous]

Problem is not him. It's you.

[Anonymous]

I am like your Dh. I do worry about things but if someone out loud starts to worry it be anxious, I immediately get calmer and talk them down. I am excellent under stress. I hate to hear people’s anxieties so I try to talk them down kindly and can’t really commiserate

[Anonymous]

As the person who doesn’t (get to) freak out in my marriage, just back off. And appreciate that he is willing to stand up and do what need to be done without hysterics. My spouse just shuts down during times of crisis - it’s not fun. It’s hard being the one who ALWAYS has to take action. Sometimes I’d like to just do nothing but process and worry, too.

[Anonymous]

Uhhhh... you don't appreciate that he balances you out? My DH is like that, while I'm prone to anxiety, over worrying, and getting all worked up over little things.

You can't have him be both conflicting things. I'd rather take the calm person.

[Anonymous]

You should not worry about things you can't control. It is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the person who doesn’t (get to) freak out in my marriage, just back off. And appreciate that he is willing to stand up and do what need to be done without hysterics. My spouse just shuts down during times of crisis - it’s not fun. It’s hard being the one who ALWAYS has to take action. Sometimes I’d like to just do nothing but process and worry, too.

This. I am just a very level-headed person with little sensibility. Some people do find it annoying, but I find their hysterics annoying!

[Anonymous]

He has mild PTSD and you have untreated anxiety. You should both work to get rid of your demons.

[Anonymous]

Can you imagine if your husband weren't able to compartmentalize psychological stress as well as he does? Seriously think about it. Would you really want him to suffer PTSD? Be thankful he is as mentally tough as he is because your life would be very different if he weren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has mild PTSD and you have untreated anxiety. You should both work to get rid of your demons.

I don't this this is PTSD. It's more being truly battle-scarred. But his 'wait til it becomes reality' mindset is something I use too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to add that my husband grew up in a war-torn country and experienced all that stuff, too, for years. And also has an "it's fate" mentality, like he doesn't care. He has no control so he just accepts whatever will be.

It took me over a decade to discover this attitude is really a defense mechanism because he himself has anxiety. You might find that he doesn't want to emotionally deal with the idea you might be seriously sick.....and that's why he seems so distant/businesslike/logical.......

Is it a “defense mechanism” or is it a reasonable way to deal with negative emotions?

That’s a genuine question, btw, not a sarcastic one.

I used to suffer from anxiety in my 20s and I sort of learned to manage it by 1. Acknowledging the negative feelings I’m having, 2. Asking myself if there are any real actions I need to take, 3. Moving on with my day if there are not. Oddly enough I realized that these are “steps” that you can teach someone when I attended a parenting class! Over time, I just worried less and less, until I basically became very mellow.