DH doesnt get anxiety, is very level headed, very logical...it drives me nuts

[Anonymous]

We are the same, with the same mother, and married to the same man. A good therapist helps. Maybe even meds. Being calm feels so good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are the same, with the same mother, and married to the same man. A good therapist helps. Maybe even meds. Being calm feels so good!

OP here. Good to know! I will be doing some investigating into therapists this week.

[Anonymous]

Be glad for every day you don’t have to switch places with your DH. You want to watch your anxiety go through the roof? Wait until your husband goes through a serious illness, can’t work or help with the kids and starts leaning heavily on YOU.

[Anonymous]

My wife would write what you wrote. She straight up tells me she doesn't think I care which isn't true. We are likely headed to divorce over this difference

[Anonymous]

Sounds like Spock. Not good to have zero empathy or way of connecting with people, things, events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be glad for every day you don’t have to switch places with your DH. You want to watch your anxiety go through the roof? Wait until your husband goes through a serious illness, can’t work or help with the kids and starts leaning heavily on YOU.

I think you mean the opposite. She becomes temporarily incapacitated and he can’t handle anything and the whole household goes down the tubes. Plus her health. If you get sick, he will have to be your advocate— is he capable of that? Or just throw money around, avoid talking with doctors and get back to his own personal interests and work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to add that my husband grew up in a war-torn country and experienced all that stuff, too, for years. And also has an "it's fate" mentality, like he doesn't care. He has no control so he just accepts whatever will be.

It took me over a decade to discover this attitude is really a defense mechanism because he himself has anxiety. You might find that he doesn't want to emotionally deal with the idea you might be seriously sick.....and that's why he seems so distant/businesslike/logical.......

Same here. The European side of the family has this lax, nothing I do matters attitude and the Americans are like, let’s do this, there must be a way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to add that my husband grew up in a war-torn country and experienced all that stuff, too, for years. And also has an "it's fate" mentality, like he doesn't care. He has no control so he just accepts whatever will be.

It took me over a decade to discover this attitude is really a defense mechanism because he himself has anxiety. You might find that he doesn't want to emotionally deal with the idea you might be seriously sick.....and that's why he seems so distant/businesslike/logical.......

Is it a “defense mechanism” or is it a reasonable way to deal with negative emotions?

That’s a genuine question, btw, not a sarcastic one.

I used to suffer from anxiety in my 20s and I sort of learned to manage it by 1. Acknowledging the negative feelings I’m having, 2. Asking myself if there are any real actions I need to take, 3. Moving on with my day if there are not. Oddly enough I realized that these are “steps” that you can teach someone when I attended a parenting class! Over time, I just worried less and less, until I basically became very mellow.

It depends.

It’s healthy when he uses this to deal with a fear of flying. He just flies and doesn’t worry.

It’s unhealthy when he just says it’s fate that our kid has adhd and there’s nothing we can do about it. He’s scared our son will fail school...and will always have trouble as an adult. This is where I want him to have a proactive attitude to help with therapy and consider meds. But he won’t do the heavy emotional lifting...

Yikes.

Yes I agree. If the attitude is negatively effecting action and positive change then it is not a positive coping mechanism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be glad for every day you don’t have to switch places with your DH. You want to watch your anxiety go through the roof? Wait until your husband goes through a serious illness, can’t work or help with the kids and starts leaning heavily on YOU.

I think you mean the opposite. She becomes temporarily incapacitated and he can’t handle anything and the whole household goes down the tubes. Plus her health. If you get sick, he will have to be your advocate— is he capable of that? Or just throw money around, avoid talking with doctors and get back to his own personal interests and work?

Op.here. Found a therapist. First appointment is in 2 weeks. DH would be an amazing advocate if it had been cancer. Before the big scare, I'd been having on and off health issues for a couple of years. He's been wonderful. I'm thankful this thread has caused me to think back on the situation and improve my thinking / feeling about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife would write what you wrote. She straight up tells me she doesn't think I care which isn't true. We are likely headed to divorce over this difference

So out of curiosity, this seems like a workable problem. I assume you started showing more emotions? Do you really love her? Doesn’t sort of make sense to divorce over this. There has to be more to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be glad for every day you don’t have to switch places with your DH. You want to watch your anxiety go through the roof? Wait until your husband goes through a serious illness, can’t work or help with the kids and starts leaning heavily on YOU.

I think you mean the opposite. She becomes temporarily incapacitated and he can’t handle anything and the whole household goes down the tubes. Plus her health. If you get sick, he will have to be your advocate— is he capable of that? Or just throw money around, avoid talking with doctors and get back to his own personal interests and work?

Op.here. Found a therapist. First appointment is in 2 weeks. DH would be an amazing advocate if it had been cancer. Before the big scare, I'd been having on and off health issues for a couple of years. He's been wonderful. I'm thankful this thread has caused me to think back on the situation and improve my thinking / feeling about it

Good for you, OP, and wishing you health and happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Problem is not him. It's you.

This. My partner has been through all OP'S husband has and more. While I haven't often seen him "freak out" exactly, I've never felt like what OP posted about either. Really it reminds me more of my cold, callous ex who didn't have an empathetic bone in his body. It was all about him, baby!

[Anonymous]

If my husbnd freaks out i know we are in trouble. I admire my husbands rational mind and calmness. I instantly jump to worst xase scenario. It does often seem he doesn't care but he is being a leader and strong for our family. My husband also had similar experiences as yours op.

[Anonymous]

Op, count yourself lucky. Look at all the post from women whos husbands have adhd and are incapable of rational thought. If those women are sick there husbands (who may be caring) would be unable to take care of them because they lack that skill set. Your husband woukd likely be the best if you are sick or need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife would write what you wrote. She straight up tells me she doesn't think I care which isn't true. We are likely headed to divorce over this difference

So out of curiosity, this seems like a workable problem. I assume you started showing more emotions? Do you really love her? Doesn’t sort of make sense to divorce over this. There has to be more to the story.

Of course I love her, I try to show it, but people see what they want to see. She doesn't feel heard, doesn't feel connected, we aren't intimate, the marriage erodes. I am sure this is common and why many marriages from the outside look good but on the inside are dead.