DH doesnt get anxiety, is very level headed, very logical...it drives me nuts

[Anonymous]

OP is justified in her way of coping. A talk it out approach vs. burying things. Sounds like her DH is helpful, but what’s she missing is the validation that her emotional reaction is valid and ok. And not lesser nor weak.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP, and I think I understand. A little while back my husband’s beloved cousin was diagnosed with terminal cancer and went downhill quickly. I’m sure it was hurting my husband badly but outwardly he just basically said “oh well, things happen.” I didn’t share it with him but it bothered me that he didn’t show emotion and made me wonder whether he would experience any pain if he lost any of the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

So in other words, his reaction to the possibility of you having cancer makes you think that he doesn't care for you or that he doesn't love you? Because people that care should freak out, as that is the behavior you know and expect?

[Anonymous]

I honestly get what you’re feeling, but if you were my spouse, I would show zero signs of freaking out (even if I totally was) because I’d be concerned that my freaking out would make the situation 100x worse for you and push you over the edge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well only drives me nuts some of the time. Last month I had a cancer scare. I grew up with a mom whose brain immediately went to worst case scenarios and I've spent most of my life trying to avoid that. But when something big happens, my anxiety completely takes over.

DH spent 2 years working in a war torn country. He's been behind a vehicle that blew up. He's been shot at. This was before we met. So he has always had a very " whatever happens we will figure it out and we will deal with it" attitude. He has a hard time understanding my anxiety but is respectful of it.

Now as you can imagine, my mind was firing in 10,000 directions during this scare. From how to tell DS/family/friends to financial worries because I'd probably have to quit my job (work in healthcare) etc. DH would just hold me and tell me we will get through whatever happens. Which is all good and normally I appreciate it but MAN. Sometimes I want him to freak out. Sometimes I want him to show more emotion about these things. I brought it up to him and he apologized but basically said that when you come to terms with your own mortality (being shot at) you develop a "what happens happens and there is no use freaking out about the unknown. You deal with it when it becomes the known". The feelings have been brought back up because I have to go for another scan to make sure I'm still all clear. I'm glad DH is trying to temper my anxiety, and I know it's more healthy in the long run. But dammit...freak out with me a little!!

I am going to assume that people in your family freak out as a way of showing they care, but your DH sounds supportive if he holds you and says you and he will get through it. If there are other words you'd like to hear, maybe you should tell him. eg "I'm so glad that you're going to be all right". "I was scared that I was going to lose you".

[Anonymous]

Op, you're selfish.
There I said it.

To assume that others should meet your "needs" may be your way of having power over others. May be.

Your husband's reaction is reasonable. You can not find fault if someone's reaction falls within a normal range. He reaction is not an outliner that needs correcting. The fact that you are hurt, imo, is on you.

[Anonymous]

I have the same type husband Op. It is mostly reassuring but occasionally maddening.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is right and you should strive to be more like him. Read Eckert Tolle.

[Anonymous]

I have never spent time in a war torn country, been shot at or had a car blow up but I'm like your husband. Great in am emergency, very calm, etc.

Keep in mind that if he had issues of panicking, he would not panic at the same things you do, or in the same ways you do. You need his calm to balance you out.

[Anonymous]

My H is the one that gets over emotional about things and it drives me nuts. One of us has to be the level headed fixer or we'd be a mess. I don't get emotional and am great in emergency situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well only drives me nuts some of the time. Last month I had a cancer scare. I grew up with a mom whose brain immediately went to worst case scenarios and I've spent most of my life trying to avoid that. But when something big happens, my anxiety completely takes over.

DH spent 2 years working in a war torn country. He's been behind a vehicle that blew up. He's been shot at. This was before we met. So he has always had a very " whatever happens we will figure it out and we will deal with it" attitude. He has a hard time understanding my anxiety but is respectful of it.

Now as you can imagine, my mind was firing in 10,000 directions during this scare. From how to tell DS/family/friends to financial worries because I'd probably have to quit my job (work in healthcare) etc. DH would just hold me and tell me we will get through whatever happens. Which is all good and normally I appreciate it but MAN. Sometimes I want him to freak out. Sometimes I want him to show more emotion about these things. I brought it up to him and he apologized but basically said that when you come to terms with your own mortality (being shot at) you develop a "what happens happens and there is no use freaking out about the unknown. You deal with it when it becomes the known". The feelings have been brought back up because I have to go for another scan to make sure I'm still all clear. I'm glad DH is trying to temper my anxiety, and I know it's more healthy in the long run. But dammit...freak out with me a little!!

Yeah, yeah...have him carry and worry about a baby inside your own body for 9 months and then BIRTH it... and THEN talk to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to add that my husband grew up in a war-torn country and experienced all that stuff, too, for years. And also has an "it's fate" mentality, like he doesn't care. He has no control so he just accepts whatever will be.

It took me over a decade to discover this attitude is really a defense mechanism because he himself has anxiety. You might find that he doesn't want to emotionally deal with the idea you might be seriously sick.....and that's why he seems so distant/businesslike/logical.......

Is it a “defense mechanism” or is it a reasonable way to deal with negative emotions?

That’s a genuine question, btw, not a sarcastic one.

I used to suffer from anxiety in my 20s and I sort of learned to manage it by 1. Acknowledging the negative feelings I’m having, 2. Asking myself if there are any real actions I need to take, 3. Moving on with my day if there are not. Oddly enough I realized that these are “steps” that you can teach someone when I attended a parenting class! Over time, I just worried less and less, until I basically became very mellow.

It depends.

It’s healthy when he uses this to deal with a fear of flying. He just flies and doesn’t worry.

It’s unhealthy when he just says it’s fate that our kid has adhd and there’s nothing we can do about it. He’s scared our son will fail school...and will always have trouble as an adult. This is where I want him to have a proactive attitude to help with therapy and consider meds. But he won’t do the heavy emotional lifting...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well only drives me nuts some of the time. Last month I had a cancer scare. I grew up with a mom whose brain immediately went to worst case scenarios and I've spent most of my life trying to avoid that. But when something big happens, my anxiety completely takes over.

DH spent 2 years working in a war torn country. He's been behind a vehicle that blew up. He's been shot at. This was before we met. So he has always had a very " whatever happens we will figure it out and we will deal with it" attitude. He has a hard time understanding my anxiety but is respectful of it.

Now as you can imagine, my mind was firing in 10,000 directions during this scare. From how to tell DS/family/friends to financial worries because I'd probably have to quit my job (work in healthcare) etc. DH would just hold me and tell me we will get through whatever happens. Which is all good and normally I appreciate it but MAN. Sometimes I want him to freak out. Sometimes I want him to show more emotion about these things. I brought it up to him and he apologized but basically said that when you come to terms with your own mortality (being shot at) you develop a "what happens happens and there is no use freaking out about the unknown. You deal with it when it becomes the known". The feelings have been brought back up because I have to go for another scan to make sure I'm still all clear. I'm glad DH is trying to temper my anxiety, and I know it's more healthy in the long run. But dammit...freak out with me a little!!

Yeah, yeah...have him carry and worry about a baby inside your own body for 9 months and then BIRTH it... and THEN talk to me.

Wait....what???

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all. You've actually helped me reframe my way of thinking regarding how he handles these types of situations. 90% of the time I appreciate his low panic level headedness. He has helped my anxiety go from a level 8 when we met to a level 3 now. But it ramps up to a level 8 in certain scenarios.

And it is not that I don't think he cares or that he's not scared. I know he is. But I think growing up with a mom who was a level 10 made me equate that behavior with how you are supposed to react. The funny thing is that part of my anxiety was centered around having to deal with my mom's anxiety if it was cancer. And yet I am bothered that DH isn't acting that way, ha. DH has been kindly suggesting I see a therapist for awhile now, so maybe it's time I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly get what you’re feeling, but if you were my spouse, I would show zero signs of freaking out (even if I totally was) because I’d be concerned that my freaking out would make the situation 100x worse for you and push you over the edge.

Haha OP here. DH and I actually joke that if he starts freaking out about something that is when I know it is a legitimate concern. And that has actually helped me in many situations as he also doesn't try to "fake it" when it is something worth being worried about.