My spouse doesn’t desire to understand me.

[Anonymous]

I’m coming to a revelation that my DH just doesn’t have the desire to understand my thoughts, feelings, and emotional needs. Every time I try to express how I feel about something, he dismisses it, minimizes it, and says things like “that’s not true” or “you’re making it up” OR, he turns the conversation and starts making it about something else he thinks I’ve done wrong. He complains that just because I say something, doesn’t mean that it’s true, but the part he’s missing is that I’m not asking him to agree with me and I’m not asking him to say I’m right. I’m asking him to listen, understand my feelings/how I interpreted the action, and address it from there. A response could be as simple as “I’m sorry you felt that I was being disrespectful. That wasn’t my intention”. He also spends a lot of time saying whatever my issue is isn’t important to him, but I’ve also learned that we each find different things important. When I know something is important to him, even if I don’t care about it, I still prioritize it because I know it matters to him.

I want to add that I don’t nag. I don’t bring up issues very often. I ignore a lot and put off a lot, but when I do finally bring it up, he says I’m making it up and just trying to find something to say. But, if I bring it up more immediately, he also complains about that. It’s like no matter how I approach it, it’s the same outcome.

Overall, I just feel like I’m not heard, listened to, or valued. Sure, I am more emotional than my DH, but should we not love each other enough to not want each other to be hurting? Posting because maybe I am asking too much, and maybe I need to hear from outsiders that I am wrong.

[Anonymous]

If this is new behavior, what has changed ?

I suspect the truth of yours and his behaviors lies somwhwre between your version of events and his. If you want to try to make the marriage work, go to counseling. If not, get a lawyer. There is no need to keep things like this forever

[Anonymous]

I’m coming to a revelation that my DH just doesn’t have the desire to understand my thoughts, feelings, and emotional needs.

Narrator: This is not a new thing. No man ever cares about your thoughts, feelings, and emotional needs. What has changed is - recently he quit pretending to care.

[Anonymous]

Man here, my wife says the same thing about me, although not so much the disrespect part but more that I don't listen and don't understand her on a deep level. That I am too superficial and wouldn't care if she left. It's heartbreaking to hear, it's not true of course but it puts a huge hole in our relationship and our intimate life is horrible and has been for years. I check a lot of boxes on paper for sure, but if she doesn't feel loved it's hard to turn that around.

My recommendation is to try therapy before it's too late which it probably is for us although we are trying to stay together for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here, my wife says the same thing about me, although not so much the disrespect part but more that I don't listen and don't understand her on a deep level. That I am too superficial and wouldn't care if she left. It's heartbreaking to hear, it's not true of course but it puts a huge hole in our relationship and our intimate life is horrible and has been for years. I check a lot of boxes on paper for sure, but if she doesn't feel loved it's hard to turn that around.

My recommendation is to try therapy before it's too late which it probably is for us although we are trying to stay together for the kids.

One other thought - someone wrote a very good reply in another thread about blaming a spouse for being unhappy. Could that be your situation? My wife is very unhappy where she is professionally and doesn't have a lot of friends and I do think she takes her position out on me.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post, OP. I have felt this way about DH often and especially recently. He has historically taken little interest in my goings-on and feelings, and its worse in recent months. I am trying to pursue couples therapy with him but multiple times he has expressed that we don't need it (which feels like another minimization of my feelings so there you go). Have you tried or ever even discussed therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is new behavior, what has changed ?

I suspect the truth of yours and his behaviors lies somwhwre between your version of events and his. If you want to try to make the marriage work, go to counseling. If not, get a lawyer. There is no need to keep things like this forever

OP here. I agree with this. I don't try to act like everything I say is "law" - I know that we both interpret things differently for a variety of reasons. What's hard is that I usually try to see my DH's point of view, but he never does the same. It's difficult to continuously hear someone say what you're saying isn't real or isn't true. Makes me question my sanity and then that turns into an entirely different spiral. I suppose counseling is the next step. I've tried to talk to him until I'm blue in the face - he just won't get it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post, OP. I have felt this way about DH often and especially recently. He has historically taken little interest in my goings-on and feelings, and its worse in recent months. I am trying to pursue couples therapy with him but multiple times he has expressed that we don't need it (which feels like another minimization of my feelings so there you go). Have you tried or ever even discussed therapy?

OP here. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. We have discussed therapy, but have never gotten anywhere. I can take blame for that...I haven't taken the steps to get it set up. But, in my mind, I'm like, why am I always the one who has to take the leap? Why am I always the one who's trying to fix the wrong? Why am I always the one crying and upset? Meanwhile my husband just sits back and lives his life like it's all good. It hurts that he won't take the initiative himself to get us started in therapy, but, I know it's immature of me to think this way. I think I will finally take the step and stop making excuses.

[Anonymous]

Straight up what some of y’all need to realize is that the changes you wanna see happen ain’t gonna happen overnight. Dude ain’t gonna go from routinely saying, “Oh that’s not true” and shifting the conversation elsewhere to all the sudden saying, “I understand how you feel honey” and being all Super Empathetic Man in 24hours. Takes time. Have some patience after you bring this shit to dudes attention.

[Anonymous]

OP, Hold Me Tight is the book for you. It talks about building emotional connection in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, my wife says the same thing about me, although not so much the disrespect part but more that I don't listen and don't understand her on a deep level. That I am too superficial and wouldn't care if she left. It's heartbreaking to hear, it's not true of course but it puts a huge hole in our relationship and our intimate life is horrible and has been for years. I check a lot of boxes on paper for sure, but if she doesn't feel loved it's hard to turn that around.

My recommendation is to try therapy before it's too late which it probably is for us although we are trying to stay together for the kids.

One other thought - someone wrote a very good reply in another thread about blaming a spouse for being unhappy. Could that be your situation? My wife is very unhappy where she is professionally and doesn't have a lot of friends and I do think she takes her position out on me.

OP here. You sound a bit like my husband. On paper he's this great guy, and I'm not saying he isn't a great guy. I just don't feel loved and I feel so alone. I don't think I blame my DH for being unhappy in other areas of life, but that's definitely something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, my wife says the same thing about me, although not so much the disrespect part but more that I don't listen and don't understand her on a deep level. That I am too superficial and wouldn't care if she left. It's heartbreaking to hear, it's not true of course but it puts a huge hole in our relationship and our intimate life is horrible and has been for years. I check a lot of boxes on paper for sure, but if she doesn't feel loved it's hard to turn that around.

My recommendation is to try therapy before it's too late which it probably is for us although we are trying to stay together for the kids.

One other thought - someone wrote a very good reply in another thread about blaming a spouse for being unhappy. Could that be your situation? My wife is very unhappy where she is professionally and doesn't have a lot of friends and I do think she takes her position out on me.

NP... IMO, I think it's a bit of both. Yes, some people are unhappy with their own lives, and they take it out on their spouse and/or kids, but sometimes, the spouse is part of the reason why they are unhappy. Also, sometimes, the spouse really does dismiss the feelings and thoughts of the other spouse. This is the "I'm always right" spouse.

Often, a wife just wants the husband to listen and acknowledge her feelings rather than solve the problem or place blame.

In another thread about "what men want", some man stated that he wanted his wife to be nurturing, and I asked if he was nurturing to his spouse, and he said he was. Obviously, I take that at face value since this is an anonymous forum, but I would ask you.. "are you nurturing to your spouse"? When she shares her feelings with you do you dismiss them or do you actually listen and try to nurture her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Straight up what some of y’all need to realize is that the changes you wanna see happen ain’t gonna happen overnight. Dude ain’t gonna go from routinely saying, “Oh that’s not true” and shifting the conversation elsewhere to all the sudden saying, “I understand how you feel honey” and being all Super Empathetic Man in 24hours. Takes time. Have some patience after you bring this shit to dudes attention.

OP here. I agree with this, and I actually said this last night during our most recent conversation. I don't expect any magic. I don't expect an instant change. But at the very least, I just want him to understand/acknowledge that there is a problem. In his mind, he's not wrong and I'm the problem. To him, I need to stop bringing things up and I need not worry about my emotional needs (because I'm just dramatic and those needs don't exist). So how can you even make a start when we can't even agree that there's a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post, OP. I have felt this way about DH often and especially recently. He has historically taken little interest in my goings-on and feelings, and its worse in recent months. I am trying to pursue couples therapy with him but multiple times he has expressed that we don't need it (which feels like another minimization of my feelings so there you go). Have you tried or ever even discussed therapy?

OP here. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. We have discussed therapy, but have never gotten anywhere. I can take blame for that...I haven't taken the steps to get it set up. But, in my mind, I'm like, why am I always the one who has to take the leap? Why am I always the one who's trying to fix the wrong? Why am I always the one crying and upset? Meanwhile my husband just sits back and lives his life like it's all good. It hurts that he won't take the initiative himself to get us started in therapy, but, I know it's immature of me to think this way. I think I will finally take the step and stop making excuses.

I understand this feeling. I finally got DH to agree to "consider" therapy if I went and did the work of finding out the details and cost. I had to keep pressing to get to that point and I do wonder if he just wanted me to stop bothering him. But, that was more than I had gotten out of him before so I am willing to get that information. Then the ball will be in his court and how he handles it will really give me a sense of whether he's committed to seeing this marriage work and us to stay together.

I think its normal to feel annoyed/frustrated that this too has become your burden to initiate, but if you don't its clear it wont happen. Keep trying to remember that this is bigger than that for now and that your legwork and his response could provide you a lot of information to make your next decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post, OP. I have felt this way about DH often and especially recently. He has historically taken little interest in my goings-on and feelings, and its worse in recent months. I am trying to pursue couples therapy with him but multiple times he has expressed that we don't need it (which feels like another minimization of my feelings so there you go). Have you tried or ever even discussed therapy?

OP here. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. We have discussed therapy, but have never gotten anywhere. I can take blame for that...I haven't taken the steps to get it set up. But, in my mind, I'm like, why am I always the one who has to take the leap? Why am I always the one who's trying to fix the wrong? Why am I always the one crying and upset? Meanwhile my husband just sits back and lives his life like it's all good. It hurts that he won't take the initiative himself to get us started in therapy, but, I know it's immature of me to think this way. I think I will finally take the step and stop making excuses.

IMO.... it seems that men rarely take the initiative to fix a marriage. I find they'd rather ignore it, and then cheat and blame the spouse for the reason why he cheated.