Help me explain this to my husband

[Anonymous]

This is partly a vent and partly I need advice on how to explain to my husband how I feel. My sibling is getting married and my 3 children (ages 5-8) are in the wedding as are my husband and I. We are all very excited and I'm sure it will be a wonderful weekend but it's a lot of work getting everyone ready and where they need to be at all the various times we need to be specific places (hair, nails, makeup, dressed for photos etc). I'm always stressed about being places on time, I just don't like being late, but it annoys my husband and he hates that I get stressed and then we are usually the first people wherever we are going. The wedding weekend though we really can't be late. He was asking me about the schedule for the weekend and I was just telling him when we needed to be where. I told him I would try not to act crazy but if I do he is welcome to NICELY tell me I'm acting crazy and it will be ok. His response is to tell me it's ok if we're late. I told him when he says things like that, whether he means it or not, I hear "I'm not going to try to be ready on time" and it just adds to my stress. I tried to explain that he can tell me "it will be ok, we have plenty of time", or just "it's ok" but he's just not getting how I'm feeling and I feel like he's purposely trying to annoy me because he just refuses to see why that bothers me and just keeps insisting it doesn't matter if we're late and I just need to "get over" my anxiety about being late.

On top of that, we have to be at the wedding location early to get ready there. I have to get ready first so I can help my SIL get ready and then I'll come back to our room to get the children ready before pictures. My husband and the children will have a couple of hours of sitting around in the hotel but they all have tablets and I'm bringing plenty of food as well. You'd think I asked a 3 year old to sit still and not move for 3 hours the way my husband is acting about having to get to the hotel 2 hours early. He's upset that I won't let him bring his virtual reality headset to the hotel and I don't understand why he can't manage with his smart phone and tablet for that time. The children aren't complaining about having to go early and are happy to have the opportunity to use their tablets more than they are usually allowed. Am I not understanding something or is he just being difficult? And how can I explain to my husband that this is stressful for me and he's not helping but adding to it.

[Anonymous]

You need to hire a babysitter or your SIL needs to get herself dressed. Bring tablets for the kids. Take a separate car so you don't have to rely on him. Better yet, leave him and the kids at home and you go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is partly a vent and partly I need advice on how to explain to my husband how I feel. My sibling is getting married and my 3 children (ages 5-8) are in the wedding as are my husband and I. We are all very excited and I'm sure it will be a wonderful weekend but it's a lot of work getting everyone ready and where they need to be at all the various times we need to be specific places (hair, nails, makeup, dressed for photos etc). I'm always stressed about being places on time, I just don't like being late, but it annoys my husband and he hates that I get stressed and then we are usually the first people wherever we are going. The wedding weekend though we really can't be late. He was asking me about the schedule for the weekend and I was just telling him when we needed to be where. I told him I would try not to act crazy but if I do he is welcome to NICELY tell me I'm acting crazy and it will be ok. His response is to tell me it's ok if we're late. I told him when he says things like that, whether he means it or not, I hear "I'm not going to try to be ready on time" and it just adds to my stress. I tried to explain that he can tell me "it will be ok, we have plenty of time", or just "it's ok" but he's just not getting how I'm feeling and I feel like he's purposely trying to annoy me because he just refuses to see why that bothers me and just keeps insisting it doesn't matter if we're late and I just need to "get over" my anxiety about being late.

On top of that, we have to be at the wedding location early to get ready there. I have to get ready first so I can help my SIL get ready and then I'll come back to our room to get the children ready before pictures. My husband and the children will have a couple of hours of sitting around in the hotel but they all have tablets and I'm bringing plenty of food as well. You'd think I asked a 3 year old to sit still and not move for 3 hours the way my husband is acting about having to get to the hotel 2 hours early. He's upset that I won't let him bring his virtual reality headset to the hotel and I don't understand why he can't manage with his smart phone and tablet for that time. The children aren't complaining about having to go early and are happy to have the opportunity to use their tablets more than they are usually allowed. Am I not understanding something or is he just being difficult? And how can I explain to my husband that this is stressful for me and he's not helping but adding to it.

It sounds like your husband is having a reaction to you always being anxious/stressed/overbearing about being on time and doesn’t see this wedding as anything out of the ordinary from your regular stress level on being punctual. He’s reacting bc you’ve stressed every time about being on time and are always the first ones there, so it appears your stress was unwarranted. It’s kind of like the boy who cried wolf... but THIS time it’s really actually important. I promise

[Anonymous]

Well this would drive me crazy.

That said I’d tell your DH to take the kids to the park or something instead of sitting in the hotel room before the wedding. That is setting yourself up for trouble. I’d have him drop you off, take them to the park nearby, head up to the room to change into wedding clothes 45m before they need to leave. JMHO. If not the park, anywhere else they can run around a bit.

Your DH is being ridiculous, and i wouldn’t stand for it. Your sister is getting married- your DH will be point person for the kids throughout. Isn’t that the way these things work? When it’s an IL event, I handle the kids, when it is my family DH does.

[Anonymous]

This is a long-standing issue in your marriage, not an issue of this one day (when yes, it’s more important than usual for you to be on time). So he’s reacting to the long-standing issue, not the one day. You can try “look, I know I’m unreasonable about this generally, but fir this one day I really need you to just help me do it my way.” But if you haven’t really worked on getting better generally, it’s going to be hard to succeed with that line. Also, this is your sibling’s wedding, and you “have to” get ready first (early) so you can help your SIL? Suggests this is your brother’s wedding. Your SIL, the bride, should have plenty of other people to help her get ready - her mother, her sister if she has one, her best friends. This does not all rest on you, and if you’re still getting ready at the same time as SIL, that should be fine. That doesn’t mean you should be late to anything. But if “getting ready” is scheduled for 10am, you don’t need to already be all ready at 10 most likely.

[Anonymous]

You won’t “let” him bring his VR headset? Start treating him like an adult and maybe he’ll stop trying to annoy you.

[Anonymous]

How far away is this event? Why can’t you be there when you need to, and DH arrive separately with the kids!? This would solve all problems IMO.

If he is late for the ceremony he will look like a fool (and he won’t be late).

Go early and get ready- tell DH to manage the kids- see you there! If your DH is like mine- lay the kids’ clothes out before you go.

You bring the luggage so he doesn’t have to worry about that.

[Anonymous]

You sound bat sh*t crazy, OP. You need to work on your own anxieties with a therapist or you will alienate everyone in your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far away is this event? Why can’t you be there when you need to, and DH arrive separately with the kids!? This would solve all problems IMO.

If he is late for the ceremony he will look like a fool (and he won’t be late).

Go early and get ready- tell DH to manage the kids- see you there! If your DH is like mine- lay the kids’ clothes out before you go.

You bring the luggage so he doesn’t have to worry about that.

+1

I wouldn’t my kids running around the hotel beforehand if possible. Have them arrive at wedding time.

[Anonymous]

Has he actually made you late for something important?

I suspect my husband deliberately sabotages us when we try to be on time (not early) for important events. He recently threw a fit right when we were supposed to leave for a Bat Mitzvah, screamed at me for an imagined slight, and made us late. I suspect he has a mental disorder surrounding changes in routine, because he does this every time there is a wedding or similar. I try to always be in charge of transportation so I have some leverage. Yes, it's really troubling.

Here's what you do:
1. He can bring whatever the heck he wants, including his VR set, for entertainment, if he's such a big baby about it.
2. In exchange he doesn't get to complain anymore, and he can agree with you on a code word: "Honey, you seem stressed" or whatever.
3. Also in exchange, you agree to work on your anxiety surrounding time management. I support you entirely on being early/on time, but I suspect you make everyone super stressed-out in the process, and that's what he's reacting to, because it stresses him out too.

[Anonymous]

Photographers expect too much. This isn't your fault Op, but it really is ridiculous. They say, "jump" and everyone asks, "how high?" Hours of photography, before an event as even happened (it's actually so they, the photographer, can leave earlier .. earlier in the night. Taking pictures of people getting ready is easy. Taking good pictures, which are more important to most people, of fun happening at the reception is harder) I'm guessing your sibling won't have the good sense to say no to extensive pre-ceremony photography, but it would be a good idea to challenge this trend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won’t “let” him bring his VR headset? Start treating him like an adult and maybe he’ll stop trying to annoy you.

While I sort of agree, who has time for that while supervising 3 kids anyway?- weird. Especially 3 kids in a hotel room who have probably just had a long car ride and are jacked up with excitement over a wedding ugh.

[Anonymous]

A lot to unpack here, but the solution for this particular event is that you get yourself ready in and head to hotel by yourself, uber, whatever.
DH and kids hang out on their own and get ready on their own, hire a babysitter for the day to keep kids supervised so you can have a fun, less stressful day.

[Anonymous]

My ex was like that. I actually started telling him earlier times for everything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won’t “let” him bring his VR headset? Start treating him like an adult and maybe he’ll stop trying to annoy you.

This sounds ridiculous for a grown man to be pouting about. Really. You should leave behind, he sounds worse than a toddler.