Expectations of grandparents visiting

[Anonymous]

My DW and I are pregnant with our first child; we're due in early August. We just found out that my brother and his wife are due in Late August, also with their first.

To give a backstory, our parents live in the same town we grew up in, a seven hour drive from DC, and a four hour drive from where brother and SIL live. One issue that's always been bothering DW and myself is that my parents always expect us to visit them, but they rarely travel to visit us. To give an example, in the past two years, DW and I have gone to visit my parents in my town on six different occasions, while they have only visited here twice. My parents are both very able bodied and financial secure. My Dad is semi-retired, but currently does consulting work on a part-time basis that he can do remotely and pretty much on his own schedule. My Mom runs a non-profit that can have tricky hours, but she pretty much makes her own schedule and can work remotely when needed. While they always say "oh, we have to come visit you more often!" but then there always seems to be some excuse (work was crazy, the weather was bad, etc, etc). I should also mention that my parents do care for my elderly Grandmother with my Aunt (mom's sister), but my Aunt is more than capable of handling the responsibilities of taking care of my Grandmother for a few days.

The issue is even more prevalent with my brother and SIL. Since they live closer do our hometown, they visit more often than DW and I do (I'd say they go once every 2-3 months), but my parents have come to visit him and SIL probably the same number of times they have been to DC. My brother and I have talked about this subject and how it bothers us, but my brother is of the mindset that "yeah, it sucks, but they're family so it is what it is."

Now that DW and I are going to be parents soon, we've talked about how it should be the expectation that they will come down here to visit with us and their grandchild more often than us going up there to visit, as the seven hour drive could be problematic with a young child. Given that my brother and SIL will also have a child the same age, I feel that this is a unique opportunity to change expectations within our family that the "kids" should always be coming to visit them, and that my parents should come to our respective homes to visit their grandchildren more often.

Having said that, I have a few questions regarding how to proceed:

- What's the best way to have this conversation with my parents?
- How much should I involve my brother and SIL? On one hand, I feel like if both couples talk to them about it, it could be a strength in number situation. On the other hand, it could make my parents feel like they are being ganged up on. While I've talked to my brother about how he feels regarding my parents not visiting him often, I don't know how he and SIL feel about the issue in relation to their child.

[Anonymous]

Okay, there’s be proactive and taking issues head on. And then there’s you. This is overthinking and next level hand wringing.


There is no need to have a conversation. Just let it play out. If your parents want to see their grandchildren, they will figure it out. And so will you. Driving 7 hours with a baby is not something that one will do unless it’s an emergency or once a year holiday like Christmas. Perhaps your parents will pout or whine that you never visit. Oh well. Again, they’ll figure out what they need to do.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster above. There’s no conversation that’s going to go well. They’ll just feel attacked.

Just stop driving 7 hours. Grandparents will either figure out how to visit or won’t. (My parents won’t, BTW.)

You can only change your behavior and make sure that I’m you invite them. But just say no to driving 7 hours with an infant.

[Anonymous]

After we had kids, we started doing every other. We visit DH's parents and then won't visit again until they've visited us. It annoys me to no end that they won't visit us. For instance, they wouldn't come see us for Christmas because they didn't want to bring their dog and they also couldn't leave him. They then said we should come (except I was hosting my whole side of the family too). Their loss.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the other posters. No point in trying to be proactive on this. No matter what gets said now, it’ll play out how it’ll play out when the time comes. The most you could do is drop a hint now and again about “when you come to see the baby” and things like “it’ll be fun for us all to take junior to the zoo when you visit.” But nothing more than that now. And do not be surprised if they don’t change their ways. It’ll be up to you to signal through your behavior that you and your nuclear family are not going to be doing as much traveling up to your parents. How excited or not excited are your parents about the grandkids? Also, are you and your brother 3 hours from each other, or does it not line up like that?

Just curious: what’s the story with your wife’s parents? Do they visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After we had kids, we started doing every other. We visit DH's parents and then won't visit again until they've visited us. It annoys me to no end that they won't visit us. For instance, they wouldn't come see us for Christmas because they didn't want to bring their dog and they also couldn't leave him. They then said we should come (except I was hosting my whole side of the family too). Their loss.

Ugh. They sound like jerks.

[Anonymous]

I think it's good you're being proactive with this. My DH won't raise the issue and instead leaves me as the wife feeling ran over. He says, well they won't visit so we should go to them instead always. His parents feelings shouldn't come before mine and I think DH should talk to his parents about their lack of visiting. It should be more equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Just curious: what’s the story with your wife’s parents? Do they visit?

OP here; DW's parents live 15 minutes from us, and we get along great; we see them about once every week or two. My brother is in a similar situation with SIL's parents, though I believe they're a little further from them distance wise (probably around 45 mins).

[Anonymous]

Do NOT have a conversation. It will be a disaster. Instead focus on setting up a nice place for them to stay at your place.

Also, they will figure this out soon enough. I can promise you that your wife will not be getting in a car for a 7 hour car ride any time after April. This summer? Hell to the no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's good you're being proactive with this. My DH won't raise the issue and instead leaves me as the wife feeling ran over. He says, well they won't visit so we should go to them instead always. His parents feelings shouldn't come before mine and I think DH should talk to his parents about their lack of visiting. It should be more equal.

So you’re participating in this, yes? If so, that’s on you. You do not have to visit with him. Let him go visit his parents without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's good you're being proactive with this. My DH won't raise the issue and instead leaves me as the wife feeling ran over. He says, well they won't visit so we should go to them instead always. His parents feelings shouldn't come before mine and I think DH should talk to his parents about their lack of visiting. It should be more equal.

So you’re participating in this, yes? If so, that’s on you. You do not have to visit with him. Let him go visit his parents without you.

I'm not sure why people post this. We'd never go visit parents without our spouse. If we did, I'm sure either set of parent would think there's significant dysfunction and looming divorce. Also, I wouldn't want my DH to take my kids away for an entire weekend. Weekends are for having fun with my kids and enjoying my little family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's good you're being proactive with this. My DH won't raise the issue and instead leaves me as the wife feeling ran over. He says, well they won't visit so we should go to them instead always. His parents feelings shouldn't come before mine and I think DH should talk to his parents about their lack of visiting. It should be more equal.

So you’re participating in this, yes? If so, that’s on you. You do not have to visit with him. Let him go visit his parents without you.

I'm not sure why people post this. We'd never go visit parents without our spouse. If we did, I'm sure either set of parent would think there's significant dysfunction and looming divorce. Also, I wouldn't want my DH to take my kids away for an entire weekend. Weekends are for having fun with my kids and enjoying my little family.

And I’m not sure why people would martyr themselves by making long treks that they don’t want to do simply because it won’t “look right.” The dysfunction is already there if one spouse is continually putting the desire visit their parents over their spouse’s objection. If you enjoy visiting, then great. But if you don’t AND you’re resentful AND you’re not exercising your option to stay home, that is on you. You give up your right to complain about being “run over” if you’re choosing to do nothing about it.

[Anonymous]

Your parents will be secondary grandparents because it’s the new mom’s parents (especially your MIL) who lives nearby who will be in the first position. It’s almost a rule of law! Your parents will have to learn to deal with it! You live a few minutes from your IL’s and 7 hours from your parents. Where will it be easier to spend the holidays? Duh! I would not discuss this with them now because it will simply unfold. Will your wife want to drive 7 hours the day before Thanksgiving and back 2 days later or just drive 15 minutes to her parents?

[Anonymous]

Jeez - your wife is barely pregnant and you’re already worrying about something like this?

[Anonymous]

Stop with the expectations. Just invite them to visit you and tell them you are finding it difficult to travel. They either will or they won't. Don't expect anything one way or the other. You don't have to travel if you don't want to. Neither do they. Hopefully you'll land on a happy medium that suits you both.