Expectations of grandparents visiting

[Anonymous]

We'd never go visit parents without our spouse

Oh grow up. And guess what? The parents will like it. Once in awhile, they will like it. They will like seeing their child, their own adult child. Alone. Without you. Occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's good you're being proactive with this. My DH won't raise the issue and instead leaves me as the wife feeling ran over. He says, well they won't visit so we should go to them instead always. His parents feelings shouldn't come before mine and I think DH should talk to his parents about their lack of visiting. It should be more equal.

So you’re participating in this, yes? If so, that’s on you. You do not have to visit with him. Let him go visit his parents without you.

I'm not sure why people post this. We'd never go visit parents without our spouse. If we did, I'm sure either set of parent would think there's significant dysfunction and looming divorce. Also, I wouldn't want my DH to take my kids away for an entire weekend. Weekends are for having fun with my kids and enjoying my little family.

Why are you so rigid? Yes, it is possible for children to go visit their parents without their spouse there. The fact that you think that means people would think you’re on the brink divorce is absurd. It’s also possible to sometimes spend weekends apart.

[Anonymous]

This is how you set boundaries:

No big conversations and expectations. YOU and your wife decide how often is reasonable to visit your parents. Personally, a 7 hour drive with a baby - I would go once a year. Every time they call and ask you to visit, you say “We can’t do that drive with a newborn, but you’re welcome to come visit us on XX or YY.”

Then you accept that you might not see them as frequently as you did when you did all the work of visiting. Lots of older people do not want to put much effort into family relationships. If the lack of reciprocity bothers you, stop going so often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another point of view, Op, I think time feels different for folks as they get older. I'm an older person. Sure they miss you. Sure they wish to see you, but, "where has the time gone?" I don't think you see it, and that's ok, but the planning and the sense of urgency that planning requires to make an event actually happens, takes more "umph" than you realize. This, however, is not to say you have to bend to their wishes. Tell them how you need the visiting schedule to work. Trust that they will understand. You may just have to say it a few times for it to sink in (again, an older person's problem)

My parents have the “umph” to travel internationally, but lack the “umph” to visit me and their grandkids. They whine about me visiting them though. Know your old people.

[Anonymous]

They don't like you?

[Anonymous]

Boomers are lazy...

You’re not going to change them with your “big talk”

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m going to give you a free life lesson that I learned too late in life.

The quickest way to disappointment, resentment, and sadness is to have expectations, especially of other people.

Do with that information whatever you would like, but I’m going to tell you, as someone who is about to raise a whole other human being that is not the person that you or your partner are, that the more you can let go of arbitrary expectations, the happier your lives will be.

So think about it, as well as the co sequences of choice, when you consider laying down expectations of others. You will learn that your parents are separate people from you, much as your child will be a separate person from you, and that all of you fairly have different goals, needs, wants in life.

[Anonymous]

Just because your parents are in good health and active for their age, doesn't mean that a 7 hour drive isn't prohibitive for them. Eyesight fails, joints stiffen, reaction time slows, bladders shrink--all of which can turn a 7 hour trip into easily a stressful 8-9 hour one. These are very real issues that they might not be comfortable bringing up with you. They might also be uncomfortable staying away from home, or might be under the impression that you prefer "coming home", just as you did when you were in college. The dynamics might change once there's a baby, and thus more incentive to travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, there’s be proactive and taking issues head on. And then there’s you. This is overthinking and next level hand wringing.


There is no need to have a conversation. Just let it play out. If your parents want to see their grandchildren, they will figure it out. And so will you. Driving 7 hours with a baby is not something that one will do unless it’s an emergency or once a year holiday like Christmas. Perhaps your parents will pout or whine that you never visit. Oh well. Again, they’ll figure out what they need to do.

For sure.

I agree with this post. This isn't something you need to figure out right now.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to have any conversation with your parents. You sound high maintenance and the person that makes every single thing into a drama production.
Once baby is born you visit or you don't as it suits you, and they visit or they don't as it suits them. I don't understand this need of yours to confront and convince and have some "talk." This is nothing but your desire to create conflict. I bet you that is the reason they don't visit you, you sound confrontational as hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another point of view, Op, I think time feels different for folks as they get older. I'm an older person. Sure they miss you. Sure they wish to see you, but, "where has the time gone?" I don't think you see it, and that's ok, but the planning and the sense of urgency that planning requires to make an event actually happens, takes more "umph" than you realize. This, however, is not to say you have to bend to their wishes. Tell them how you need the visiting schedule to work. Trust that they will understand. You may just have to say it a few times for it to sink in (again, an older person's problem)

My parents have the “umph” to travel internationally, but lack the “umph” to visit me and their grandkids. They whine about me visiting them though. Know your old people.

Well, the difference, which seems to be so lost on Millenials, is that your parents have already spent 20 or so years raising children, often without travel for themselves. They were the ones sitting up with you while you threw up all night, Sure, visiting for a week with the grandkids is fun, but it’s not the same as walking the streets of Vienna, or laying on a beach, especially when they are still often working.

I’m not sure why everyone on here is so ungrateful, especially when they move hours away from family for their own gain.

[Anonymous]

We'd never go visit parents without our spouse? Is that OP? Are you that lesbian couple and you whine here all the time? If that is you, I am surprised you are having a kid and not a divorce!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, there’s be proactive and taking issues head on. And then there’s you. This is overthinking and next level hand wringing.


There is no need to have a conversation. Just let it play out. If your parents want to see their grandchildren, they will figure it out. And so will you. Driving 7 hours with a baby is not something that one will do unless it’s an emergency or once a year holiday like Christmas. Perhaps your parents will pout or whine that you never visit. Oh well. Again, they’ll figure out what they need to do.

+1

[Anonymous]

Once you have kids, you’re going to be glad to not need to entertain your parents. And driving seven hours with a child is bordering on abusive. Just see what happens. My guess is that your wife won’t be able to get rid of them fast enough. Especially if they’re the type of selfish people that would honestly expect you to drive a baby or child that far to visit them.