Expectations of grandparents visiting

[Anonymous]

The talk you need to have is with yourself so you can figure out why this bothers you so much and how you can let go.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's fair and reasonable to think this through, to a certain extent. DH and I live literally exactly halfway between my parents (and some extended family) and his. It's a 4-5 hour drive to either and even this was/is a LOT until our kids were older.

However, I think beyond some reasonable boundaries, you just can't make your parents see this, and also TBH you may not want to have to host your parents once you have a baby/young kid. I would have some discussion with your DW about how often you both think it's reasonable to travel to them (once a year? Every 6 months?) and then just do that. Like PPs have said, your parents will figure it out at some point without you mentioning that it's unfair they don't/won't travel as much.

[Anonymous]

BTDT with my parents. You are not going to change them. Mine would visit about 1-2 times a year. Once if they or my sister hosted the holidays that year or twice if we hosted. We went about 3 times for each of their visits. Same for my sister. Nothing changed when the grandchildren came. You get the grandparents that your parents are willing to be. If it was the other way and they visited too much, then you could have a say and limit those visits, but you can't force someone to visit you.

The faster you and your DW accept this, the happier you will be. It took me longer than it should have to figure it out, but stewing doesn't help either. If your parents choose to be "Holiday and Vacation" grandparents and not helping out when needed grandparents-then that is what they will be. My DH's parents were already burned out of grandparenting as our boys were their 10th and 11th- they visited once every other year. All are gone now. My sister and her DH have stepped up to the plate and have and fosters a great relationship with my children, as I do with hers. This may be where you can put your effort - with your brother and his family.

FWIW, Facetime came out when my children were in MS and it helped foster more of a bond with my parents and them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it's fair and reasonable to think this through, to a certain extent. DH and I live literally exactly halfway between my parents (and some extended family) and his. It's a 4-5 hour drive to either and even this was/is a LOT until our kids were older.

However, I think beyond some reasonable boundaries, you just can't make your parents see this, and also TBH you may not want to have to host your parents once you have a baby/young kid. I would have some discussion with your DW about how often you both think it's reasonable to travel to them (once a year? Every 6 months?) and then just do that. Like PPs have said, your parents will figure it out at some point without you mentioning that it's unfair they don't/won't travel as much.

This.

The discussion is with DW. And not until after the baby is here and you both have had time just to be new parents.

You are overthinking this by wanting to do a formal discussion so early, weighing "do we involve BIL" etc. etc. Ficus on enjoying your wife's company now and happily anticipating your baby--not trying in advance to control something that is going to end up being determined over time.

When you DO eventually invite the parents: BEFORE you invite, you and DW have the logistics set up (hotel reservations if they'd stay in a hotel or a setup at home that does not stress you or DW). Issue specific invitations with starting and ending dates, not vague "Come visit this fall" tentative stuff. Say, "March 8 through 12 works for us. We could go to Event X that's on then, and dad and I could go to Thing Y we both like while Mom and DW go to baby's mom and me class together. You could drive home the morning of Sunday the 12th -- easier traffic and we both have to be at work Monday." I other words, be specific and intentional in issuing invitations and don't put out vague ones. Do not host them in the house unless you truly are fine with it. Be clear if you want them in a hotel: "You'll sleep better because we're up with baby 3x a night still and not fit to see anyone til about 10, ha!" Etc.

But you don't do all this now.

And you do not take baby seven hours anywhere for quite a while.

[Anonymous]

Decide on what you are willing to do. That is all you can do. They are free to decide what they are willing to do.

If you wish to travel less, just explain travelling with young children and all the gear is too much.

[Anonymous]

O. 2, OP you are NOT pregnant. Your wife is pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Is there any reason you can’t fly to see the parents? Seven hours is a long drive, so flying could be easier if they have an airport in their area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any reason you can’t fly to see the parents? Seven hours is a long drive, so flying could be easier if they have an airport in their area.

OP here. Flying is an option, as my parents live near an airport that has direct flights to all three DC area airports. I do worry about how flying with a child less than 1 year old could be problematic, but in some ways, I could see how it's easier than driving 7 hours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there any reason you can’t fly to see the parents? Seven hours is a long drive, so flying could be easier if they have an airport in their area.

OP here. Flying is an option, as my parents live near an airport that has direct flights to all three DC area airports. I do worry about how flying with a child less than 1 year old could be problematic, but in some ways, I could see how it's easier than driving 7 hours

As nearly everyone has said, chill out Op. Your parents will either visit or not regardless of whatever you say to them now. And you’re lucky because your wife’s parents are 15 min away anyway.

[Anonymous]

Another point of view, Op, I think time feels different for folks as they get older. I'm an older person. Sure they miss you. Sure they wish to see you, but, "where has the time gone?" I don't think you see it, and that's ok, but the planning and the sense of urgency that planning requires to make an event actually happens, takes more "umph" than you realize. This, however, is not to say you have to bend to their wishes. Tell them how you need the visiting schedule to work. Trust that they will understand. You may just have to say it a few times for it to sink in (again, an older person's problem)

[Anonymous]

You're nuts. You have to accept people as they are. If your parents don't want to be close with their grandchild, then that's their choice. Let them have the level of involvement they want. You go to visit them when you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there any reason you can’t fly to see the parents? Seven hours is a long drive, so flying could be easier if they have an airport in their area.

OP here. Flying is an option, as my parents live near an airport that has direct flights to all three DC area airports. I do worry about how flying with a child less than 1 year old could be problematic, but in some ways, I could see how it's easier than driving 7 hours

Flying a short, direct flight is a lot easier than a long drive with a baby, IMO. We are 12 hours by car or 1.5 hour direct from my parents. We went to ,y parents more than they visited us when child was 3 and younger. Now DD is 4 she has preschool events, dance recitals, etc... My parents realize they have to come to us or they will miss out on these milestones.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't bother to bring it up. Just explain when they finally begin to ask that there is a time limit for babies in car seats (1.5-2h) and that you aren't interested in driving 7h with a young infant. Baby safety and mother comfort should come first.

[Anonymous]

I hate to tell you this but they may continue on their same path of expectations even after the baby is born. My divorced in-laws expected that we bring a new baby to each of their homes( 6 and 8 hours away by car) during flu season . They both simply refused to come to us. It caused a ton of animosity but I refused to go on a tour of the northeast to please these people. If your parents want to see you and the new baby they will toe the line and come to your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's good you're being proactive with this. My DH won't raise the issue and instead leaves me as the wife feeling ran over. He says, well they won't visit so we should go to them instead always. His parents feelings shouldn't come before mine and I think DH should talk to his parents about their lack of visiting. It should be more equal.

So you’re participating in this, yes? If so, that’s on you. You do not have to visit with him. Let him go visit his parents without you.

I'm not sure why people post this. We'd never go visit parents without our spouse. If we did, I'm sure either set of parent would think there's significant dysfunction and looming divorce. Also, I wouldn't want my DH to take my kids away for an entire weekend. Weekends are for having fun with my kids and enjoying my little family.

Probably the same keyboard warriors who always suggest the "that doesn't work for us" answer, with no further comment or explanation. It sounds great and is really fun to come type it on a forum, but not something that actually works in reality.