Undecided About Second Kid

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3. We have a beautiful 15 month old and are on deciding on having a second. I'm 50/50 but he really wants another child. We are older parents - 38 and 42. He makes a strong case for having a second but I still have some reservations. Our son is the best thing that has happened to us but it's hard. He is good sleeper now, but the first couple of months of sleep deprivation is tough. Breastfeeding was tough. Balancing work and a child is tough. I know the baby years don't last that long, but it's tough.

My husband has a sibling and they are super close. He wants our child to have someone he can lean on and grow up with. I know siblings doesn't necessarily mean best friends, but that's his hope. My fear is that I will never be able to love my second child as much as I do my first. I worry about him feeling like he is left out because we have a new child. We luckily got pregnant early with our first but I know that may not be the case this time around, and my age doesn't help. Our marriage has been stronger than ever, but I think it's because we put our marriage first. We have a weekly date night, and believe our having a strong and happy marriage will be a good example to our son and possible other children.

I'm mostly leaning towards yes but there are so many things that make me worried. A part of me doesn't want to get excited about a second child and it doesn't happen. If you were undecided, how did you choose?

[Anonymous]

You will absolutely love a second child as much as the first and in a different way as they will be very different people. That’s not something you can really understand until you have a second but really, IMO, a worry you can cross off the list.

At 15 months now, your first will never really know life without a sibling. Even if it takes 2 years, he still won’t really remember and will adjust.

The rest only you can decide.

[Anonymous]

The idea that you won’t love the second as much...0 percent chance of that happening.

Just gut it out and have the second. All your reasons not to are short-term reasons. Yes it’s hard but then you have another person in your family.

[Anonymous]

The fears that you will never love a second child as much is one you can absolutely cross off your list of concerns. Your heart will swell with enough love for many children if it were to come to that. There is no container that love has to fit into, never to expand.

There is an adjustment for young children when you bring a sibling into the home, of course there is. But that is balanced by the long term gifts a sibling brings to the child - shared childhood experiences, companionship.

Some families are very happy with a single child, some families are happy larger. But those two particular worries? No - let those go and make your decision using the other data points.

Good luck with your decision!

[Anonymous]

If you're 50-50, go for it! I say this as someone who was 100% against and has only budged the tiniest amount over time. I think if you know you DON'T want to, you know it. Of course, you need to think through all of the practical issues - like whether you need your DH to step up more, get additional help, etc. But sounds like you're pretty much there, just nervous about it.

[Anonymous]

Have the second. It is a gift to your first child, that will live on after you and your husband have passed on (most likely). It is someone to help your first care for you, and grieve you, when you get old/pass on.

A sibling is a companion on vacations and just weekends at home. Someone to teach him how to share, and take turns. The second child will save your first child from getting an unhealthy amount of attention and focus from you.

Try, if it is not meant to be, it will not happen. The Universe has a way of working out.

PS-You said you put your marriage first. This is something your husband wants. Don't think of it as threatening your relationship. Rather, you are listening to him and trusting that he knows what you can all handle. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Do you have siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings?

OP here. I’m one of 7 siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're 50-50, go for it! I say this as someone who was 100% against and has only budged the tiniest amount over time. I think if you know you DON'T want to, you know it. Of course, you need to think through all of the practical issues - like whether you need your DH to step up more, get additional help, etc. But sounds like you're pretty much there, just nervous about it.

OP here. My husband is super involved with our son and household stuff. We had a nanny for our son but recently enrolled him in daycare. We will get a nanny if we have a second child. We also have tons of family help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have the second. It is a gift to your first child, that will live on after you and your husband have passed on (most likely). It is someone to help your first care for you, and grieve you, when you get old/pass on.

A sibling is a companion on vacations and just weekends at home. Someone to teach him how to share, and take turns. The second child will save your first child from getting an unhealthy amount of attention and focus from you.

Try, if it is not meant to be, it will not happen. The Universe has a way of working out.

PS-You said you put your marriage first. This is something your husband wants. Don't think of it as threatening your relationship. Rather, you are listening to him and trusting that he knows what you can all handle. Good luck!

OP here. I don’t think of having a second child as threatening our marriage. I only put that our marriage is strong and we put it first is because I know some will say having a second will put a strain on or marriage. It’s hard to balance everything but we are very happy.

[Anonymous]

You will love a 2nd child as much as the first, so just take that off your list of worries. Did you love your husband less when you had your child? Probably not.

The sibling guarantee is a nice thought, but you are right it is not guaranteed. They could hate each other, be competitors in a way that is not productive, or one child could become a burden on the other later in life. I'd also take that off your list, because for every heartwarming sibling story there is a heartbreaking one.

Finances are a factor that you do not mention, so I assume that you are well off but this is not a small thing to consider with regard to what kind of house you can live in and what schools you have access to, and it also affects how to pay for college or when you retire.

Your relationship is already strong so that is good. More stressors test a marriage, so that just is what it is. Kids can be that, but so can other things. You will have less time in general for you and for your relationship. Do you care about how another child will impact you or your career? Here's a thought -- do you envision spending future Saturday mornings sipping coffee with your DH on the sidelines of DC1's soccer game, or splitting up to go to DC1s game while your DH goes to DC2's game across down? This is one thing I notice every weekend. It's a game changer and an interesting thought experiment.

You have one healthy child and at 38/42 you are likely to have another, but that is not guaranteed -- never is.

I have heard several moms of two say that they love their children and can't imagine life without them, but that their second brought about a very real understanding and appreciation for those who choose to stop at one.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Second kids are great! Also as you are older -- it will be nice for your children to have each other as they cope with you in your 80's!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings?

OP here. I’m one of 7 siblings.

Sounds like you have some anxiety around a 2nd baby. I would suggest discussing with a therapist. Either solo or with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will love a 2nd child as much as the first, so just take that off your list of worries. Did you love your husband less when you had your child? Probably not.

The sibling guarantee is a nice thought, but you are right it is not guaranteed. They could hate each other, be competitors in a way that is not productive, or one child could become a burden on the other later in life. I'd also take that off your list, because for every heartwarming sibling story there is a heartbreaking one.

Finances are a factor that you do not mention, so I assume that you are well off but this is not a small thing to consider with regard to what kind of house you can live in and what schools you have access to, and it also affects how to pay for college or when you retire.

Your relationship is already strong so that is good. More stressors test a marriage, so that just is what it is. Kids can be that, but so can other things. You will have less time in general for you and for your relationship. Do you care about how another child will impact you or your career? Here's a thought -- do you envision spending future Saturday mornings sipping coffee with your DH on the sidelines of DC1's soccer game, or splitting up to go to DC1s game while your DH goes to DC2's game across down? This is one thing I notice every weekend. It's a game changer and an interesting thought experiment.

You have one healthy child and at 38/42 you are likely to have another, but that is not guaranteed -- never is.

I have heard several moms of two say that they love their children and can't imagine life without them, but that their second brought about a very real understanding and appreciation for those who choose to stop at one.

Good luck!

OP here. We are not rich but we have a god income. We can comfortably afford two children. I didn't add in expenses because iwe can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have the second. It is a gift to your first child, that will live on after you and your husband have passed on (most likely). It is someone to help your first care for you, and grieve you, when you get old/pass on.

A sibling is a companion on vacations and just weekends at home. Someone to teach him how to share, and take turns. The second child will save your first child from getting an unhealthy amount of attention and focus from you.

Try, if it is not meant to be, it will not happen. The Universe has a way of working out.

PS-You said you put your marriage first. This is something your husband wants. Don't think of it as threatening your relationship. Rather, you are listening to him and trusting that he knows what you can all handle. Good luck!

OP here. I don’t think of having a second child as threatening our marriage. I only put that our marriage is strong and we put it first is because I know some will say having a second will put a strain on or marriage. It’s hard to balance everything but we are very happy.

Please don't have a second. Why have a second child if you're going to neglect it to put your marriage first? You need to stop at one. Don't neglect and screw up any additional children.