Failing marshmallow experiment. Advent calendar is a special kind of torture

[Anonymous]

I feel like most of us know what I’m referring to. It’s an old experiment which showed 3-4yos who could delay gratification went on to be more successful in school than those who didn’t.

My 4yo would fail this miserably ten times over.

She’s a great kid. She’s really bright—not like smart (ha ha) but good at most things and she’s always paying attention. She doesn’t miss a thing. She’s also really outgoing and has a magnetic personality. But she cannot wait for anything. If she wants something then she cannot stop thinking about it. A lot of times she cannot stop herself from just taking it without permission. If you have her three marshmallows she would put all three in her mouth while asking for more. And she’d cry immediate when you say no. The advent calendar is not going well. Obviously I need to parent this and make it work, and I will, but wtf, kid?

I’m not embellishing. So what is this? She’s clearly behind her peers in this regard.

She does not seem to have ADHD but it’s still early. She just cannot wait. She is really impulsive.

[Anonymous]

Are you similar? Do you talk about wanting things yourself but having to wait until the time/money/situation is right? Do you talk about looking forward to things in the future? Do you ever read chapter books to her?

[Anonymous]

This is so cute to imagine her little mouth stuffed with sweet, gooey marshmallows. She's confident she'll get more marshmallows later. Maybe she's so intelligent she understands the stakes are low and just wants to enjoy herself. That's a wonderful trait! Consider yourself lucky she has experienced food scarcity or other real hardships.

[Anonymous]

It is hers. Let her eat them all, when they are gone they are gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you similar? Do you talk about wanting things yourself but having to wait until the time/money/situation is right? Do you talk about looking forward to things in the future? Do you ever read chapter books to her?

No. Not at all. I am not like this at all. I do talk about saving money and waiting for things actually.

DH maybe?

Our older child is quite good in this regard.

We do not read chapter books to her yet. She has a shorter attention span than our older child did at this age.

[Anonymous]

Put the advent calendar out of sight when not in use. Out of sight, out of mind.

Can you find a compromise and redirect - "Larla, you can't open the next Advent flap until tomorrow morning, but I know you really love the goodie inside. Do you want to split XYZ/(treat) while I read you Sofia the First Holiday in Enchancia book with me?" - or something to that effect.

On a side note - is junk food taboo in your house? Is that why she is gorging herself at the opportunity?

[Anonymous]

I've always put things in the advent calendar each evening, after my kids go to bed. Don't fill up all the days so she has only the one to open. If you have a pre-made calendar, put it away after she opens that day. Don't tempt her if you know she is going to fail. (This is a perfectly normal human trait, btw -- hence dieting fads, spending issues, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of us know what I’m referring to. It’s an old experiment which showed 3-4yos who could delay gratification went on to be more successful in school than those who didn’t.

My 4yo would fail this miserably ten times over.

She’s a great kid. She’s really bright—not like smart (ha ha) but good at most things and she’s always paying attention. She doesn’t miss a thing. She’s also really outgoing and has a magnetic personality. But she cannot wait for anything. If she wants something then she cannot stop thinking about it. A lot of times she cannot stop herself from just taking it without permission. If you have her three marshmallows she would put all three in her mouth while asking for more. And she’d cry immediate when you say no. The advent calendar is not going well. Obviously I need to parent this and make it work, and I will, but wtf, kid?

I’m not embellishing. So what is this? She’s clearly behind her peers in this regard.

She does not seem to have ADHD but it’s still early. She just cannot wait. She is really impulsive.

I know the experiment. Your kid may or may not have adhd but cut her slack. She’s 4.

Advent calendars should not have candy in them. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so cute to imagine her little mouth stuffed with sweet, gooey marshmallows. She's confident she'll get more marshmallows later. Maybe she's so intelligent she understands the stakes are low and just wants to enjoy herself. That's a wonderful trait! Consider yourself lucky she has experienced food scarcity or other real hardships.

Cute is one word to describe it. We do think she’s cute sometimes. But there are a few more words to describe it that are not as positive. She’s greedy! She’s gluttonous! She’s ungrateful! And when we say no she whines and cries which is very irritating.

She does just want to enjoy herself. But it’s kind of scary to imagine her acting like this as a teenager. It’s embarrassing but I do worry about this.

[Anonymous]

Not to worry. Psychology is undergoing a crisis right. The marshmellow test -- along with many other famous studies -- has been discredited in terms of revealing anything but a love of sugar. From the Guardian recently in an article entitled "Famed impulse control 'marshmallow test' fails in new research:"

The “marshmallow test” has intrigued a generation of parents and educationalists with its promise that a young child’s willpower and self-control holds a key to their success in later life.

But there is some good news for parents of pre-schoolers whose impulse control is nonexistent: the latest research suggests the claims of the marshmallow test are close to being a fluffy confection.

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2018/jun/01/famed-impulse-control-marshmallow-test-fails-in-new-research

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your older child was remarkably easy going.

[Anonymous]

The marshmallow test seems like a weird gauge for future success, but impulse control is something that everyone should work on, regardless of age, so OP - stick to your guns and ignore the whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of us know what I’m referring to. It’s an old experiment which showed 3-4yos who could delay gratification went on to be more successful in school than those who didn’t.

My 4yo would fail this miserably ten times over.

She’s a great kid. She’s really bright—not like smart (ha ha) but good at most things and she’s always paying attention. She doesn’t miss a thing. She’s also really outgoing and has a magnetic personality. But she cannot wait for anything. If she wants something then she cannot stop thinking about it. A lot of times she cannot stop herself from just taking it without permission. If you have her three marshmallows she would put all three in her mouth while asking for more. And she’d cry immediate when you say no. The advent calendar is not going well. Obviously I need to parent this and make it work, and I will, but wtf, kid?

I’m not embellishing. So what is this? She’s clearly behind her peers in this regard.

She does not seem to have ADHD but it’s still early. She just cannot wait. She is really impulsive.

I know the experiment. Your kid may or may not have adhd but cut her slack. She’s 4.

Advent calendars should not have candy in them. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so cute to imagine her little mouth stuffed with sweet, gooey marshmallows. She's confident she'll get more marshmallows later. Maybe she's so intelligent she understands the stakes are low and just wants to enjoy herself. That's a wonderful trait! Consider yourself lucky she has experienced food scarcity or other real hardships.

Cute is one word to describe it. We do think she’s cute sometimes. But there are a few more words to describe it that are not as positive. She’s greedy! She’s gluttonous! She’s ungrateful! And when we say no she whines and cries which is very irritating.

She does just want to enjoy herself. But it’s kind of scary to imagine her acting like this as a teenager. It’s embarrassing but I do worry about this.

Wow. Your job is to parent your child, not be given a perfect, perfectly formed adult as a child. This kid is 4, and instead of working on ways to teach her, help her grow, you are concerned she'll be like this as a teenager? Were you also concerned she would be wearing diapers as a teenager?

I'm concerned YOU will still be like this when SHE is a teenager. Do your job. Your job is to help her grow into a good person, not to expect her to already be there at FOUR YEARS OLD, or to hold her immaturity against her.

Good luck to your daughter. FYI, i doubt most kids at 4 would have the discipline to resist candy. That study said they would have the discipline to forgo a treat if it meant they would get MORE later, not just, "Don't eat it no, eat it tomorrow" which is what the advent calendar and you are offering your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The marshmallow test seems like a weird gauge for future success

It's an indicator of executive functioning skills, which taken all together are good success predictors.

What I want to know OP is - did she eat all the candy out of the advent calendar yet?!