Failing marshmallow experiment. Advent calendar is a special kind of torture

[Anonymous]

Wow. I wouldn’t do that to a 4 year old. Four is an interesting age where they very gradually go from demanding toddlers to agreeable kindergarteners. With some epic failures in between. LOL. It’s a hard age for many parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so cute to imagine her little mouth stuffed with sweet, gooey marshmallows. She's confident she'll get more marshmallows later. Maybe she's so intelligent she understands the stakes are low and just wants to enjoy herself. That's a wonderful trait! Consider yourself lucky she has experienced food scarcity or other real hardships.

Cute is one word to describe it. We do think she’s cute sometimes. But there are a few more words to describe it that are not as positive. She’s greedy! She’s gluttonous! She’s ungrateful! And when we say no she whines and cries which is very irritating.

She does just want to enjoy herself. But it’s kind of scary to imagine her acting like this as a teenager. It’s embarrassing but I do worry about this.

OP, the control issues you demonstrate with your extreme language in this post might influence your daughter’s ability to develop age-appropriate self control as she grows older. Right now your little girl is being age appropriate, and you’re not. If you can’t learn to control yourself, it’s going to be difficult for you to teach her to control herself.

[Anonymous]

I can't keep sugary stuff around. I mean, I'm ok if something does not get opened but have a very hard time stopping myself after that. DS otoh was a kid who would take 1-2 bites off a candy bar and then park it for 2-3 days. If he was lucky, me the sugar addict had not found it in the meantime. He's still that way --and incidentally he DOES have ADHD and grew up with it. But he had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way to stop getting in minor trouble as a teen and young adult.

I'd say these are different things, and besides the lure of the hidden treat in the calendar there's all the seasonal hype and being 4. AND there is individual child temperament. I only had one child and was astonished when I'd babysit other people's kids and they were SO easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just hide the thing until it's time to do it each day? This is on you, op

We are on day 4. I said we are going to figure it out. I was just wondering why it’s gotta be like this. I did ask around at school drop off if any other kid was “losing it” with the advent calendar and didn’t get any commiseration. Maybe they are lying!

It’s true we’ve been spoiled with our oldest and have no idea what’s normal.

Good to know she’s not doomed after all.

I guess I don't understand why you're making such a big deal of it. She gets the candy for the day, then put it away and IGNORE THE RESULTING TANTRUM. Just like you would for any other tantrum. It sounds like you've been indulging the behavior so of course it will continue until you do something about it. She's been conditioned to throw a fit to get what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just hide the thing until it's time to do it each day? This is on you, op

We are on day 4. I said we are going to figure it out. I was just wondering why it’s gotta be like this. I did ask around at school drop off if any other kid was “losing it” with the advent calendar and didn’t get any commiseration. Maybe they are lying!

It’s true we’ve been spoiled with our oldest and have no idea what’s normal.

Good to know she’s not doomed after all.

I guess I don't understand why you're making such a big deal of it. She gets the candy for the day, then put it away and IGNORE THE RESULTING TANTRUM. Just like you would for any other tantrum. It sounds like you've been indulging the behavior so of course it will continue until you do something about it. She's been conditioned to throw a fit to get what she wants.

We will do that.

It bugs me because we try to do nice things, and I don’t really think it’s worth it sometimes. I mean for her. And this isn’t just about the advent calendar. A lot of fun things we try to do end with whining and tantrums. Now obviously I don’t mean that. It’s worth it. It’s all good. She’s four and every time she waits a little bit she’s learning to wait. It’s just non stop. She’s so rarely satisfied. She’s always hungry for more. And it’s not just food. I love her. I really do think she’s great like I said in the op. This is part of who she is. It is one of the hardest parts. I also don’t think it’s terrible I worry about her. I worry about my kids. I can’t help it.

It’s good to know it doesn’t necessarily mean she has adhd, and the experiment means less than I thought. Thanks for the book reccs too. I’ll try to remember she’s only 4 and we can keep working on this. Delayed gratification training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ate all the candy out of both my and my sister's advent calendars as a child. I loved that chocolate and snuck it out when nobody was looking. Now I'm a very normal, successful adult who doesn't sneak candy. Your DC will most likely be just fine!

[Anonymous]

Stop torturing a 4 year old with chocolate in a advent calendar. If you want to help her delayed gratification, you’ll need to wait until she’s older and can actually grasp the concept. You worry but you set her up for failure.

[Anonymous]

Get an advent calendar that doesn’t have candy. They exist and can be pretty awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just hide the thing until it's time to do it each day? This is on you, op

We are on day 4. I said we are going to figure it out. I was just wondering why it’s gotta be like this. I did ask around at school drop off if any other kid was “losing it” with the advent calendar and didn’t get any commiseration. Maybe they are lying!

It’s true we’ve been spoiled with our oldest and have no idea what’s normal.

Good to know she’s not doomed after all.

I guess I don't understand why you're making such a big deal of it. She gets the candy for the day, then put it away and IGNORE THE RESULTING TANTRUM. Just like you would for any other tantrum. It sounds like you've been indulging the behavior so of course it will continue until you do something about it. She's been conditioned to throw a fit to get what she wants.

We will do that.

It bugs me because we try to do nice things, and I don’t really think it’s worth it sometimes. I mean for her. And this isn’t just about the advent calendar. A lot of fun things we try to do end with whining and tantrums. Now obviously I don’t mean that. It’s worth it. It’s all good. She’s four and every time she waits a little bit she’s learning to wait. It’s just non stop. She’s so rarely satisfied. She’s always hungry for more. And it’s not just food. I love her. I really do think she’s great like I said in the op. This is part of who she is. It is one of the hardest parts. I also don’t think it’s terrible I worry about her. I worry about my kids. I can’t help it.

It’s good to know it doesn’t necessarily mean she has adhd, and the experiment means less than I thought. Thanks for the book reccs too. I’ll try to remember she’s only 4 and we can keep working on this. Delayed gratification training.

You are a mess, OP. Your dd sounds fine. Please read up on 4 yr olds.

[Anonymous]

Have you been screened and /or treated for anxiety OP?

[Anonymous]

I think everyone is being way too dismissive.

My 4 year old and 2year old can handle an advent calendar. I am consistent and we open one door after dinner every night (then it’s put away until the next day.)

OP, you need a solid routine.

[Anonymous]

She is going to be adored. She sounds too cute for words. My kids would have failed marshmallow too (my eldest would have taken marshmallows from others if she could have). We can’t all be angels but we can live good lives and have fun. Enjoy her

[Anonymous]

Can’t believe people are giving you such a hard time. I just told my kids no advent calendar this year....I got sick of them blaming their sibling for having stolen future days treats. And we don’t even do a candy only one (it’s mixed treats). It was adding stress to my life not sparking oy so I have Marie kondo-Ed it!

[Anonymous]

OP, as my child's pediatrician said to me when I complained about my son, "He sounds like he's on the very intense side of normal". MY second child was so different from my first. If I had had them the other way around, I would have thought my son was brain damaged, that's how difficult he was.

Anyhow -- kids differ in their abilities, and some abilities are the ability to manage distress, to be patient, to deal with disappointments, to be flexible. Kids who tantrum all the time and cannot calm themselves make parents look like horrible parents but we often aren't. We are dealing with challenging kids!

You may need to remove the things that she can't deal with right now, like the Advent calendar, and try again in another year or two, or use one that has no candy. Things that work for other kids at age 4 might not be appropriate for her until she is a little more skilled.

You may wish to check the book The Explosive Child and the website ThinkKids

In the same way that kids with learning disabilities struggle with thinking skills in areas like reading, writing or math, research has shown that behaviorally challenging kids lack thinking skills related to flexibility, frustration tolerance and problem solving. Not long ago, kids who had trouble reading were thought of as lazy or dumb. Today, people recognize that these kids have a learning disability that simply requires a different method of teaching. Think:Kids aims to accomplish a similar shift in perspective and practice with behaviorally challenging kids through the CPS approach. Rather than try to motivate these kids to behave better, CPS builds helping relationships and teaches skills through a process of helping adults and kids learn how to resolve problems collaboratively. At Think:Kids, we train thousands of parents, clinicians, educators and facilities a year through conferences, workshops and consulting and help hundreds of kids and their families through our clinic and support groups.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the clarification that this is not only about candy, because I am thinking, is it really impulse control or a sweet tooth? Sounds like both. Why have sweets around the house regularly when this sets her up for failure? She doesn't need candy. Maybe if she had it less often, she would crave it less and then be able to enjoy a treat.

It sounds like you need to be more creative with parenting THIS child versus what you want her to be able to handle. For example, give her pancakes for breakfast sometimes, and sometimes give her only fruit and eggs. By the way, you seem way too focused on her response to food. I would keep that in check as to not encourage eating issues down the road. It sounds like you need to focus much more on nurturing and celebrating her gifts. Maybe if you allow her more impulsive time (e.g., family dance party, unstructured play) she will tantrum less and maybe you can relax and enjoy her more too. It does sound like you want to help support her in learning patience and how to manage her emotions, but what do you mean by "successful"? It is way too early to tell, but wouldn't it be okay if she may not be best suited an accountant, lawyer, etc? I think you should focus on nurturing her gifts so that she can be the best version of who she really is.