Failing marshmallow experiment. Advent calendar is a special kind of torture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of us know what I’m referring to. It’s an old experiment which showed 3-4yos who could delay gratification went on to be more successful in school than those who didn’t.

My 4yo would fail this miserably ten times over.

She’s a great kid. She’s really bright—not like smart (ha ha) but good at most things and she’s always paying attention. She doesn’t miss a thing. She’s also really outgoing and has a magnetic personality. But she cannot wait for anything. If she wants something then she cannot stop thinking about it. A lot of times she cannot stop herself from just taking it without permission. If you have her three marshmallows she would put all three in her mouth while asking for more. And she’d cry immediate when you say no. The advent calendar is not going well. Obviously I need to parent this and make it work, and I will, but wtf, kid?

I’m not embellishing. So what is this? She’s clearly behind her peers in this regard.

She does not seem to have ADHD but it’s still early. She just cannot wait. She is really impulsive.

Hold on. Did you actually administer this test? (not the Advent Calendar test...the marshmallow test)
I administered it to both my kids at 4.

BTW if your kid fails, all is not lost. Turns out you can teach the coping mechanisms that create the delay gratification. Google this, because that's really the answer to our question--that it's fixable.

[Anonymous]

OP, the marshmallow test has been completely discredited.

Let her have the chocolate first thing in the morning if she wants to, and then take the advent calendar and put it away, out of sight, hidden, where she does not know that it is.

You should also read a great book called: Your Four Year Old: Wild and Wonderful.

Your dd sounds like a completely normal 4 yr old. Read some books so that you can figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just hide the thing until it's time to do it each day? This is on you, op

We are on day 4. I said we are going to figure it out. I was just wondering why it’s gotta be like this. I did ask around at school drop off if any other kid was “losing it” with the advent calendar and didn’t get any commiseration. Maybe they are lying!

It’s true we’ve been spoiled with our oldest and have no idea what’s normal.

Good to know she’s not doomed after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She also eats the icing off of a cupcake and then asks for another. But if given a plate with eggs, fruit, and pancake, she will only eat the pancake and ask for more. If given fruit and a veggie she will only eat the fruit...

Ok. Reading this, I second a PPs idea that you read WillPower. Very good book. The summary is,

1) we humans have very little willpower and it's like a muscle in that it gets depleted.

2) Successful people set up their lives so they do not need willpower to be successful. e.g. The alcoholic, in Alcoholics Anonymous, changes his route home so he does not drive by the bar he used to frequent. Or a sugar addict does not have sugar in the house. An exercise avoider has a friend who comes over every Saturday morning to do their Saturday walk.

Now on to the dinner plate. Talk about a set up to fail. Your kid is very normal in this regard, and IMO this is a parenting fail, not a kid fail. You put the hungry kid at the table. "Pancake is coming!" you say as you put the eggs in front of her...as she waits, she noodles around with the eggs.

Or you put the kid at the table where the carrots and ranch dressing already are, as they wait for the grapes to be washed. Take a long time to wash those grapes, mom!

[Anonymous]

I ate all the candy out of both my and my sister's advent calendars as a child. I loved that chocolate and snuck it out when nobody was looking. Now I'm a very normal, successful adult who doesn't sneak candy. Your DC will most likely be just fine!

[Anonymous]

I have a 5 year old exactly like yours. I often call her Veruca Salt - she is my "I want it now" girl. At Age 3: no way was I doing an Advent Calendar. Age 4: after day 2, she snuck the calendar, opened all the doors and took a bite out of all of the chocolate. Age 5: so far so good on day 4. She rushes to open it every morning and begs to open more than that day but I say no and she whines a little but moves on. So, OP there is hope but I definitely feel your pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of us know what I’m referring to. It’s an old experiment which showed 3-4yos who could delay gratification went on to be more successful in school than those who didn’t.

My 4yo would fail this miserably ten times over.

She’s a great kid. She’s really bright—not like smart (ha ha) but good at most things and she’s always paying attention. She doesn’t miss a thing. She’s also really outgoing and has a magnetic personality. But she cannot wait for anything. If she wants something then she cannot stop thinking about it. A lot of times she cannot stop herself from just taking it without permission. If you have her three marshmallows she would put all three in her mouth while asking for more. And she’d cry immediate when you say no. The advent calendar is not going well. Obviously I need to parent this and make it work, and I will, but wtf, kid?

I’m not embellishing. So what is this? She’s clearly behind her peers in this regard.

She does not seem to have ADHD but it’s still early. She just cannot wait. She is really impulsive.

Hold on. Did you actually administer this test? (not the Advent Calendar test...the marshmallow test)
I administered it to both my kids at 4.

BTW if your kid fails, all is not lost. Turns out you can teach the coping mechanisms that create the delay gratification. Google this, because that's really the answer to our question--that it's fixable.

I just administered the test. No marshmallows so I used a candy corn. I set up a camera and she at the candy at the 60 second mark.

But the worst part was that she cried afterwards because she didn’t get any more.

I don’t think my conditions were very rigorous. She may have done better with a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so cute to imagine her little mouth stuffed with sweet, gooey marshmallows. She's confident she'll get more marshmallows later. Maybe she's so intelligent she understands the stakes are low and just wants to enjoy herself. That's a wonderful trait! Consider yourself lucky she has experienced food scarcity or other real hardships.

Cute is one word to describe it. We do think she’s cute sometimes. But there are a few more words to describe it that are not as positive. She’s greedy! She’s gluttonous! She’s ungrateful! And when we say no she whines and cries which is very irritating.

She is FOUR. You characterizing her this way, even in your own heads, is a really dumb and bad move. Stop it. Stop appraising her character and get in there and parent the four year old you have, by which I mean: put constraints on the situation that enable success.

In this case that means put the dang calendar away between opening the doors. Engage with her on the success: "Larla, you're playing with your dolls now. What is going on in Doll Town today?"

You need a teenager who has self-control. But the way you get a teenager with self-control is not by exposing your four-year-old to tests demanding lots of self control, watching her fail them, and developing a negative storyline about her. It's by giving her opportunities to do the right thing and then giving her rewards, in the form of your attention and engagement, for the behavior you want, and not for the behavior you don't want.

[Anonymous]

https://afineparent.com/emotional-intelligence/delayed-gratification.html

[Anonymous]

My kids have poor impulse control but could easily pass the marshmallow test. Not sure what that says about my kids though. We started with gummy vitamins and even though they begged for more, they only get 1 a day. Same with the chocolate advent calendar or Halloween candy.

[Anonymous]

Big sister of a childhood friend of mind would make her Halloween candy last by eating 1 candy a day. It seemed unbelievable but we would sneak into her room just to confirm ti was true. Fast forward ~ yes, she's was successful BUT not successful in marriage, and has some difficult relationships with family. Maybe she is too rigid?

I'd be careful what you wish for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just hide the thing until it's time to do it each day? This is on you, op

We are on day 4. I said we are going to figure it out. I was just wondering why it’s gotta be like this. I did ask around at school drop off if any other kid was “losing it” with the advent calendar and didn’t get any commiseration. Maybe they are lying!

It’s true we’ve been spoiled with our oldest and have no idea what’s normal.

Good to know she’s not doomed after all.

You don't NEED to have an advent calendar for Christmas to come earlier - this might be something your daughter isn't ready for at 4 years old. Maybe she'll need to be 6 years old before she's capable. However, you have an older child who probably loves the advent calendar, so you are stuck.

When did advent calendars become all about candy? I used to open them that showed a part of a picture, and when it was all opened you saw the whole picture! The rich kids had little ornaments in their advent calendar that they hung on the tree - but none of us had candy advent calendars. KNOWING there is CANDY BEHIND THOSE WINDOWS will kill many preschoolers, trust me!

[Anonymous]

Marshmallow test-- I gave a marshmallow test at home when my DS was four. It was the M & M test and he slam dunked it. All M & Ms accounted for after I left the room for five minutes.

ADHD diagnosis at age eight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so cute to imagine her little mouth stuffed with sweet, gooey marshmallows. She's confident she'll get more marshmallows later. Maybe she's so intelligent she understands the stakes are low and just wants to enjoy herself. That's a wonderful trait! Consider yourself lucky she has experienced food scarcity or other real hardships.

I was imagining the same image.

I have one kid who is diagnosed with ADHD and one that definitely doesn't have it. The ADHD kid is the one who can wait. The funny thing about it is that he will likely forget about whatever it is if you redirect him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so cute to imagine her little mouth stuffed with sweet, gooey marshmallows. She's confident she'll get more marshmallows later. Maybe she's so intelligent she understands the stakes are low and just wants to enjoy herself. That's a wonderful trait! Consider yourself lucky she has experienced food scarcity or other real hardships.

Major choking hazard.