Failing marshmallow experiment. Advent calendar is a special kind of torture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The marshmallow test seems like a weird gauge for future success, but impulse control is something that everyone should work on, regardless of age, so OP - stick to your guns and ignore the whining.

There is a terrific book titled Willpower, that draws on new neuroscience, among other things. Willpower, or self-discipline, is a muscle that you can exercise and make stronger. Fascinating book.

[Anonymous]

Impulse control is hard at any age...just browse the Diet and Exercise forum.

[Anonymous]

My daughter responds much better to telling her when she can have something again, vice just saying no. She loves a maybe later response instead of a no. Even if I tell her that it will probably be a no later too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you similar? Do you talk about wanting things yourself but having to wait until the time/money/situation is right? Do you talk about looking forward to things in the future? Do you ever read chapter books to her?

Well, this is taking the DCUM standard practice of blaming the OP to a whole new level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put the advent calendar out of sight when not in use. Out of sight, out of mind.

Can you find a compromise and redirect - "Larla, you can't open the next Advent flap until tomorrow morning, but I know you really love the goodie inside. Do you want to split XYZ/(treat) while I read you Sofia the First Holiday in Enchancia book with me?" - or something to that effect.

On a side note - is junk food taboo in your house? Is that why she is gorging herself at the opportunity?

I will allow an oatmeal cookie for breakfast. But I won’t allow her to eat a few sugar cubes. So she will always think we are being authoritative. I cannot win.

She also eats the icing off of a cupcake and then asks for another. But if given a plate with eggs, fruit, and pancake, she will only eat the pancake and ask for more. If given fruit and a veggie she will only eat the fruit...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your older child was remarkably easy going.

She was. We were prepared to be better parents for our oldest but didn’t really need to pull out any big guns. With our youngest we were kind of caught asleep at the wheel.

[Anonymous]

Kids that age are still building their impulse control. Hell, I'm still building my impulse control nearing 40.

Help her out by making it so she can't physically access the calendar until it's time to do it. Be sympathetic that it's hard to wait (because it is)!

And I agree with the other posters that you need to tell her when she'll get the next one, and not give in to tears / whining.

I wouldn't read too much into this. Honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put the advent calendar out of sight when not in use. Out of sight, out of mind.

Can you find a compromise and redirect - "Larla, you can't open the next Advent flap until tomorrow morning, but I know you really love the goodie inside. Do you want to split XYZ/(treat) while I read you Sofia the First Holiday in Enchancia book with me?" - or something to that effect.

On a side note - is junk food taboo in your house? Is that why she is gorging herself at the opportunity?

I will allow an oatmeal cookie for breakfast. But I won’t allow her to eat a few sugar cubes. So she will always think we are being authoritative. I cannot win.

She also eats the icing off of a cupcake and then asks for another. But if given a plate with eggs, fruit, and pancake, she will only eat the pancake and ask for more. If given fruit and a veggie she will only eat the fruit...

You're winning if you're setting firm limits and not giving in to tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The marshmallow test seems like a weird gauge for future success

It's an indicator of executive functioning skills, which taken all together are good success predictors.

What I want to know OP is - did she eat all the candy out of the advent calendar yet?!

Not yet. She’s opened extra doors. She’s eaten the chocolate earlier than we had agreed that day. She has cried a lot. She has paced back and forth in the living room staring the thing down.

[Anonymous]

She's 4. My son also would have failed this at 4, but now at 10 is doing his advent calendar once a day after school. It's really fine.

[Anonymous]

Impulsivity is a red flag for ADHD. You need to teach her delayed gratification as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just hide the thing until it's time to do it each day? This is on you, op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just hide the thing until it's time to do it each day? This is on you, op

Because she wants to prove her child has bad character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The marshmallow test seems like a weird gauge for future success

It's an indicator of executive functioning skills, which taken all together are good success predictors.

What I want to know OP is - did she eat all the candy out of the advent calendar yet?!

Not yet. She’s opened extra doors. She’s eaten the chocolate earlier than we had agreed that day. She has cried a lot. She has paced back and forth in the living room staring the thing down.

New poster. Please go back to the post that suggested hiding it then distracting her immediately. She will whine about that at first--you get that, right? But if you can be very quick and consistent each time it should get at least somewhat easier.

I wouldn't put it as harshly as some PPs above have, but OP, it does sound a bit like you are expecting self-control from her at four that isn't entirely age-appropriate. Maybe it's because your older child was "easier." I had a pretty easy four-year-old who could deal with deferred gratification fairly well. But it's really pretty typical for a preschooler to focus hard on and fret about things like knowing candy is Right There and not being able to have it Right Now. It's new and frustrating behavior to you but rest assured it's typical--she doesn't yet have the self-control you want. It'll come.

Distract, redirect immediately, move to another activity (if possible, outside the house--move the daily calendar opening to a time right before you walk out the door with her to go somewhere, so she's not pacing around the house having just had the candy).

Plan ahead for how to handle it if she really tantrums. If she throws a fit it's fine to take away that day's candy as long as she knows in advance that she could lose candy that same day, and as long as she gets at least one warning and the opportunity to change her behavior. If you make the rule clear (have her repeat it back to you), and then also warn once, and she still tantrums etc., she loses the candy that day. Go in later and remove it and don't let her have it the next day or she learns that a fuss one dY gets her two pieces the next day....But if you can open, remove calendar, distract and preferably go out, all quickly, you may never get as far as taking away candy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Impulsivity is a red flag for ADHD. You need to teach her delayed gratification as much as you can.

Many if not most 4-year-olds are impulsive. What OP describes is not some kind of wildly outlandish impulsivity.

Typical DCUM to diagnose ADHD because of a child showing behaviors normal for the age.