My mom is marrying a murderer
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Anonymous
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I’m not even kidding. Two years ago my mom started seeing someone in a year into the relationship he proposed. He’s been a generally nice guy my kids love him and of course I googled him at the start of the relationship just to make sure he wasn’t a murderer or something crazy! Ha.
When I initially googled nothing had come up and I did a pretty extensive search. However this summer we were all together chitchatting about how much information you can find about people online. So I said to my mom and her boyfriend yes he look I’ll show you. Well that was the end of it. Up comes an article about my mom‘s boyfriend with the headline “murderer”. We were visiting them and at the time I had no idea if my mom was aware of this or not. I try not to panic at the moment collect as much information that night as I could and asked my mom calmly in the morning if she was aware of any past that he had. She said yes she was aware. Since my kids were there and it was one of the last days of our trip I didn’t want to discuss it and told her we could address it later. She hasn’t called me to discuss it she’s just sent me texts upon text defending her position, her boyfriend, herself. My husband thinks I’m being selfish for not going to the wedding and not allowing our children to go to the wedding. But this guy was in jail for 15 years got out on a technicality and said the whole time it was self-defense but knowing this is something she hid from us, and it really makes me question her judgment. I realize I don’t have to like her choice in a partner but really the bigger issue for me is her not being able to share that with us in advance. I guess I’m not really looking for advice this is more of a vent. I don’t really feel like I need to be the one to budge here but my husband feels pretty strongly that we shouldn’t miss out on this major life event for my mom. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like a troll post.
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Anonymous
| Also sorry about the typos..... |
Anonymous
| I wish I could say it was a troll it absolutely is true. |
Anonymous
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Well my brother is a murder (vehicular manslaughter). He’s a great person, has turned his life around and is even married to a judge’s daughter.
People change. |
Anonymous
Technically, I think that would make him a vehicular manslaughter-er, right? Not all killings are murders in the eyes of the law. |
Anonymous
Maybe, but he did serve time, and he did take a life. My point is that life isn’t black and white. |
Anonymous
| Your husband is correct. You say that the big issue is she did not share it with you in advance but she is not obligated to do that, nor is she obligated to discuss it with you. You are being shortsighted. Even if there is something terribly wrong with this person currently, not going to the wedding does nothing but alienate your mom and cause her to defensively dig into her trench, without helping her at all. |
Anonymous
I think it's different because it's your brother, your blood. You have to make peace with it. Not giving me a heads up that your current squeeze is a murderer is a huge violation of trust, especially bringing this person around kids! |
Anonymous
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I know people who have killed and been killed by drunk driving. I’m trying to be compassionate, but I understand the myriad of many concerns in welcoming someone into your family hat had the capacity to do something you could never fathom. Yet, circumstances aren’t always evidence; many of our service members have killed or been killed. So, context does matter. People do change; it’s almost a guarantee. Do they change for the better, or the worse? All people - They are often unpredictable, outside of Maslow’s needs. however, their emotional instability can cause external instability. You can only trust yourself here. This is kind of a situation where the wisdom of your gut from direct 1:1 interaction and observation with this person helps to inform you on how to interact. I would work to and informed and proactive.
Q1: Is this man is truly dangerous? Q2: is anyone at risk? Q3: How does this impact your parental relationship with your mother? Q4: How does this impact your children? If you won’t attend the wedding, the assumption I make is that you do not intend to welcome them in your lives moving forward in general. Correct me if I am wrong. |
Anonymous
| who did he murder? |
Anonymous
Yes, please answer this question OP, it helps provide context before further comment. |
Anonymous
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It all depends on the context for me. People change, life deals some people really hard cards that others don't deal with, people have varying childhoods.
I care more about who he is as a person than one moment in time. There are a thousand ways a murder can happen. Some of them would tell me this is a no go and some of them would be something I could rationalize as being okay. |
Anonymous
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So let’s re-cap:
-2 years ago, you found nothing on an “extensive” Google search -4-5 months ago, you learn that he was involved in the death of another person -In the 4-5 months that have passed, you’ve only exchanged some texts with your mother. -In the 4-5 months that have passed, YOU have not initiated an in-person phone call or conversation about this with your mother. -And now, you want support from your spouse to not attend wedding Please grow up. Adults communicate with one another when they have an issue. |
Anonymous
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Do you think she hid from him that you are an over dramatic Asshat?
Because she knew that too. |