My mom is marrying a murderer

[Anonymous]

People change.

In my early twenties I worked as a waitress in a diner. Most of the cooks had a record, ranging from drug dealing to (yes) murder. Often you find people with dark pasts are working hard to improve themselves and not slip back into that past.

I say if he has never done anything harmful towards you/family, you should give him the benefit of the doubt.

By all means have a private, polite discussion with him and your mom about your worries. Dont 'confront' him, just try to get an idea of the circumstances behind his act and what he has been through to deal with it. You might find he isnt the monster you see him as, but rather a man dealing with a painful situation.

Also, I work with a vulnerable population nowadays, and its important to note that 90% of murders are not random attacks. I dont say this to excuse his crime or blame his victim, but rather to say these events are almost always the outcome of a tragic series of events for all involved with myriad causes. Likely, he is holding in a lot of personal pain and in a better place where hopefully he can find some peace.

[Anonymous]

PP above here, also OP, maybe your mom didnt spread this around because she loves who he is now, rather then his past, and wants her family to know that same person rather then obsess over a barfight that happened a decade ago.

Also you keep saying that your mom didnt call you to talk about it. But did you ever initiate that call? Your mom definitely sounded open to that - but maybe she didnt see why it is her responcibility to initiate this discussion that only seems important to you. Clearly she sounds like she has made peace with her fiance's past, and maybe it isnt fair for her to expect you to do the same, but it isnt really her job to go to great lengths to initiate here.

[Anonymous]

How do you serve 15 years and then get out on a technicality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you serve 15 years and then get out on a technicality?

Did you read the update? He appealed and won based on the new law.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go, meet him. You may like him as a person and still hate his past.

Does he still drink?

[Anonymous]

I would not maintain a visiting relationship with the. I would not be around him with alcohol around, ie at the wedding if it's not dry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you serve 15 years and then get out on a technicality?

Did you read the update? He appealed and won based on the new law.

It actually sounds to me like he was imprisoned on a technicality. If the thing you are in prison for is no longer a crime, how is it a technicality to be released?
When I think technicality, I think of instances where the process was wrong, eg confession is thrown out because cops fail to advise of rights.

[Anonymous]

Hey, I think there was a documentary on this:

[Anonymous]

Depends on who he killed. I’d feel very differently about a person who killed someone during a botched robbery vs. someone who killed their wife/girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

I would not want my kids around any civilian who carries a gun in public, let alone got into a situation where he actually chose to use against another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you serve 15 years and then get out on a technicality?

Did you read the update? He appealed and won based on the new law.

It actually sounds to me like he was imprisoned on a technicality. If the thing you are in prison for is no longer a crime, how is it a technicality to be released?
When I think technicality, I think of instances where the process was wrong, eg confession is thrown out because cops fail to advise of rights.

You are released on technicalities not sent to jail by them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I take it either his conviction was overturned or there was a change in his sentence or something. Bottom line, I can see why your mom would not share her bf's past (if she had, what would be your honest position?) and TBH nothing about the event for which he was convicted originally necessarily means a risk to your children. If there were more history or if he conduct in the present raised warning flags, that would be another thing.

The mom should have been upfront from the start.

People often get nastier in jail; not everyone, people can seek to reform and change their lives. But a moron who gets into a bar fight is still a moron.

Does he still have access to a gun (even though it’s not legal)?

Does he do drugs (even if it’s not legal)?

Is he on parole or is he out of jail because they are overcrowded and keep him any more?

Op, you’re not a drama queen. Your mom should have been upfront from the beginning. She set this situation up to fail.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you on this one, OP. Normal (and I know people will flip out for me using that word) people go an entire lifetime without killing someone. The fact that this guy was carrying a gun and killed someone shows that he is not the type of person I would typically find myself around or seek out. I can’t imagine what he was exposed to in prison and how different his life must be compared to the one I’m trying to build for my family, not to mention who he considers his friends. I would distance myself from mom and boyfriend and not let them around my kids together. Mom alone is OK, but just in my presence. She’s got some serious questionable judgement going on. Boyfriend is an absolute no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I take it either his conviction was overturned or there was a change in his sentence or something. Bottom line, I can see why your mom would not share her bf's past (if she had, what would be your honest position?) and TBH nothing about the event for which he was convicted originally necessarily means a risk to your children. If there were more history or if he conduct in the present raised warning flags, that would be another thing.

The mom should have been upfront from the start.

People often get nastier in jail; not everyone, people can seek to reform and change their lives. But a moron who gets into a bar fight is still a moron.

Does he still have access to a gun (even though it’s not legal)?

Does he do drugs (even if it’s not legal)?

Is he on parole or is he out of jail because they are overcrowded and keep him any more?

Op, you’re not a drama queen. Your mom should have been upfront from the beginning. She set this situation up to fail.

That depends on what the final outcome was legally. If he was convicted of a different felony then it would still depend on the particular state laws (some states bar a felon from gun possession for life but not all). If he ended up with no felony then it would not be illegal for him to own a gun.

As for "getting out on a technicality"--I dislike those kinds of statements. Granted that any legal proceeding (civil or criminal) essentially results in an artificial construct that has some resemblance to reality but is not reality ever, the idea remains that the law is the law.

[Anonymous]

Showing up at the wedding is the least you could do for your mom. She fell in love with him and wants your support. Don’t make this about you, just try to be there (as a formality, if you must). You can sort out your feelings and what to do re: kids later.

Also I think premeditated vs drunk fight are two different situations. It matters what he says, too, about remorse.