91 Year Old Father and Xmas

[Anonymous]

My father lives alone in his home and is managing ok. He does have an care manager and some staff hired to help him (i.e., driving him around, grocery shopping, cleaning). He doesn't hear well, doesn't comprehend everything, is losing his ability to find words, etc...

I am one of 4 siblings and live 2 plane flights away. My older sister and older brother are a 3 hour drive away. Every year my sister, her DH, and 2 adult children spend Xmas with him. It is not fun and basically stressful for her every year. Added detail is that my brother spends Thanksgiving with my father every year.

Has anyone had a similar situation? I feel bad for making my sister do this every year. Next year I may ask my DH and DD (only child) to suck it up and spend Xmas with my Dad so my sister can have the holiday off. But TBH I REALLY don't want to do this. To make it more complicated flying across country is difficult for me due to spinal issues.

I am hopeful that there are others on here who have come up with creative solutions to spending xmas with their elders. Fortunately for my father, money is not an issue.

Any creative suggestions or ideas?

[Anonymous]

Suck it up to spend a holiday with your dad, your child's grandfather?

I would think you should go this year. He's 91.

Not trying to be cold, but he is 91 and your dad. Spend some time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father lives alone in his home and is managing ok. He does have an care manager and some staff hired to help him (i.e., driving him around, grocery shopping, cleaning). He doesn't hear well, doesn't comprehend everything, is losing his ability to find words, etc...

I am one of 4 siblings and live 2 plane flights away. My older sister and older brother are a 3 hour drive away. Every year my sister, her DH, and 2 adult children spend Xmas with him. It is not fun and basically stressful for her every year. Added detail is that my brother spends Thanksgiving with my father every year.

Has anyone had a similar situation? I feel bad for making my sister do this every year. Next year I may ask my DH and DD (only child) to suck it up and spend Xmas with my Dad so my sister can have the holiday off. But TBH I REALLY don't want to do this. To make it more complicated flying across country is difficult for me due to spinal issues.

I am hopeful that there are others on here who have come up with creative solutions to spending xmas with their elders. Fortunately for my father, money is not an issue.

Any creative suggestions or ideas?

You already know what you need to do. Now do it. Afterwards you will be glad you did too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up to spend a holiday with your dad, your child's grandfather?

I would think you should go this year. He's 91.

Not trying to be cold, but he is 91 and your dad. Spend some time with him.

This.

Also, to put this on your sister and her immediate family every year really isn't fair, even if they are the only ones who live close to your dad.

My mom ended up the primary caregiver to both of my grandmothers plus one of my (childless, unmarried) aunts. Despite having a large family, NO ONE else stepped forward and offered to help more than maybe a handful of days every year. It was both emotionally and physically exhausting for my mother (who also worked full time), and a detriment to her own small family, as we could never leave the situation for a break. That went on for 10 years. Growing up in that environment has really colored my opinion on family members who don't pull their own weight.

[Anonymous]

Even though my brother and I are both driving distance to our elderly mom, my brother's wife wouldn't spend holidays with my mom (that's due to my weird SIL; my mom is perfectly nice), so the job fell to me, my DH, and my two kids. For: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Mother's Day, 4th of July.

My mom is great but it's really not fair. We're in California, and have wanted to go to Hawaii--or just anywhere--and could not. Anyways, she died last spring so I guess we can go to Hawaii this year (a sad consolation prize)

Look, OP. Unlike my situation, you say it's really rough on your sister etc. So as others have said, you need to step up because you've been slacking.

Here is why you need to step up...BESIDES the obvious, that your dad is not going to be around for much longer...there is the less obvious, that your brother and sister and the kids' cousins ARE going to be around for much longer. And people don't forget when their sister is not stepping up and shouldering some of the burden.

Finally, you have ONE kid. Jeez. So good for the kid. It's important for solo kids to get lots of experiences that are compromises, because they don't have to compromise much because there are no other siblings to have to compromise to. Just in daily life, if there are other siblings, the dynamic is different, e.g. "we have to wait 45 minutes at the hockey rink for Johnny to be done with practice" etc--every damn day there are compromises. So it's great that your kid gets an opportunity to NOT have the perfect Christmas.

[Anonymous]

If money isn't an issue, why can't father come to them or come to you? I can't imagine spending Christmas at my grandma's house. She doesn't decorate or celebrate (obviously she's too infirm) so she comes to us. Why can't they drive 3 hours, get grandpa and have him stay at their home.

[Anonymous]

My dad is 91. I go, even if it means I fly on Xmas day or go by myself. We don’t really “do Xmas” in our house so it’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Of course you have to go, OP. There is no creative way around it.

My FIL lives in rural ND, 3 hours from closest airport, which is 2 flights from here. We had avoided going for major holidays because it is so unpleasant - tiny apartment, hoarder, grouchy old dude. But we went for Thanksgiving last year, and we are glad we did. We stayed in a hotel and let the kid get as many candy bars from the vending machine as he wanted, and let him stay up late watching pay per view movies. We drove out to the middle of nowhere to watch the sun rise over the prairie. We played on the playground where my husband played as a child, even though it was 20 degrees out. It wasn't our usual holiday, but it was the right thing to do and it was just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is why you need to step up...BESIDES the obvious, that your dad is not going to be around for much longer...there is the less obvious, that your brother and sister and the kids' cousins ARE going to be around for much longer. And people don't forget when their sister is not stepping up and shouldering some of the burden.

This is an excellent point.

You need to spend Christmas with your dad for his sake (I’m sure he’d love to have another Christmas with you), your sister’s sake (you know how much it would mean to her), your own sake (you’ll feel guilty if you don’t), and your child’s sake (you are modeling for your child how to maintain relationships with extended family, how to be compassionate, that you have some familial obligations). If you won’t do this for your father and sister, expect very few visits from your child in your twilight years when it’s inconvenient for your child.

[Anonymous]

OP here. You all are probably right.

FWIW, I do visit my father 2 or 3 times a year. Call him every week.

I don't think my Dad really cares what he does on Xmas. He also has no retention so a week later he does not even remember.

Doesn't matter to me if our DD visits us when we are old. I think people live too long these days anyway. No quality of life, just endless years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all are probably right.

FWIW, I do visit my father 2 or 3 times a year. Call him every week.

I don't think my Dad really cares what he does on Xmas. He also has no retention so a week later he does not even remember.

Doesn't matter to me if our DD visits us when we are old. I think people live too long these days anyway. No quality of life, just endless years.

If he doesn't have retention, then I think maybe you could encourage your sister to go visit when it is convenient, and to have holidays not ON the holiday. Maybe you could go and celebrate Christmas in early December, or mid January.

It will matter to you if your DD visits when you are old. My parents said the same thing when I was a kid - we don't want to live too long, our kids should never feel obligated, etc. etc. They now live for our visits, and my dad with dementia asks every time I leave (like every Sunday morning) "when will I see you again, honey? Can you come again tomorrow?" His middle aged self would be appalled, but it is what it is. He can't help it.

[Anonymous]

You split the visit be 4 and go every 4 years.

Also if $$ is not an issue why not move him to an over 55 community.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation.

My father cannot travel to my house (although did for years) because he has some bathroom issues that make being out of his house and away from a bathroom for more than an hour a problem.

We can't have Christmas on another day -- his care givers need and want to have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off.

He does not want to move to an assisted living place (he wouldn't at this point have the skills necessary to be accepted) and he wants to live out his life in his house. He has the money for 24/7 care -- but says he doesn't need it. We have been slowly getting care into his day / house.

We all love and respect him. He is difficult to be around as he only wants to tell old stories of his work days -- and doesn't want anyone else to speak. It's rough.

As the sibling that lives close by -- I bring my family and together we get through it. I have always felt that I feel my own family's love the strongest after a day or two with my Dad. Such visits are something we pull together and do. It has been a good life lesson for my children and I don't regret it. I might complain about it to other friends and family -- but he has been a force in my life and I will do what I can to respect his wishes for these last years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father lives alone in his home and is managing ok. He does have an care manager and some staff hired to help him (i.e., driving him around, grocery shopping, cleaning). He doesn't hear well, doesn't comprehend everything, is losing his ability to find words, etc...

I am one of 4 siblings and live 2 plane flights away. My older sister and older brother are a 3 hour drive away. Every year my sister, her DH, and 2 adult children spend Xmas with him. It is not fun and basically stressful for her every year. Added detail is that my brother spends Thanksgiving with my father every year.

Has anyone had a similar situation? I feel bad for making my sister do this every year. Next year I may ask my DH and DD (only child) to suck it up and spend Xmas with my Dad so my sister can have the holiday off. But TBH I REALLY don't want to do this. To make it more complicated flying across country is difficult for me due to spinal issues.

I am hopeful that there are others on here who have come up with creative solutions to spending xmas with their elders. Fortunately for my father, money is not an issue.

Any creative suggestions or ideas?

Creative solution? You don't need a creative solution, you need the regular old, uncreative solution - go see your dad.

[Anonymous]

Thank you 12:25. OP here. You sound like a great person. Your love for your father is inspiring.