91 Year Old Father and Xmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father lives alone in his home and is managing ok. He does have an care manager and some staff hired to help him (i.e., driving him around, grocery shopping, cleaning). He doesn't hear well, doesn't comprehend everything, is losing his ability to find words, etc...

I am one of 4 siblings and live 2 plane flights away. My older sister and older brother are a 3 hour drive away. Every year my sister, her DH, and 2 adult children spend Xmas with him. It is not fun and basically stressful for her every year. Added detail is that my brother spends Thanksgiving with my father every year.

Has anyone had a similar situation? I feel bad for making my sister do this every year. Next year I may ask my DH and DD (only child) to suck it up and spend Xmas with my Dad so my sister can have the holiday off. But TBH I REALLY don't want to do this. To make it more complicated flying across country is difficult for me due to spinal issues.

I am hopeful that there are others on here who have come up with creative solutions to spending xmas with their elders. Fortunately for my father, money is not an issue.

Any creative suggestions or ideas?

Your dad has *4* children. If you each take a year to do Christmas with Dad then it won't just be on just one person to handle it all alone. What if your sister wants to go out of town to see her dh's relatives over the holidays? Does she have to get her siblings' permission to go or does she have to choose between not seeing her dh's side of the family or leaving Dad alone for the holidays? What a terrible position your sister is in!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all are probably right.

FWIW, I do visit my father 2 or 3 times a year. Call him every week.

I don't think my Dad really cares what he does on Xmas. He also has no retention so a week later he does not even remember.

Doesn't matter to me if our DD visits us when we are old. I think people live too long these days anyway. No quality of life, just endless years.

It's not just about your dad but giving your siblings some time off. They have in-laws who would love to have them for Christmas or even just have a relaxed at home Christmas.

You are so incredibly selfish to put this on them, you will visit 2 or 3 times a year but opt out for Christmas. I suppose they could opt out as well but it sounds like they have too much empathy and compassion for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you have to go, OP. There is no creative way around it.

My FIL lives in rural ND, 3 hours from closest airport, which is 2 flights from here. We had avoided going for major holidays because it is so unpleasant - tiny apartment, hoarder, grouchy old dude. But we went for Thanksgiving last year, and we are glad we did. We stayed in a hotel and let the kid get as many candy bars from the vending machine as he wanted, and let him stay up late watching pay per view movies. We drove out to the middle of nowhere to watch the sun rise over the prairie. We played on the playground where my husband played as a child, even though it was 20 degrees out. It wasn't our usual holiday, but it was the right thing to do and it was just fine.

Good post.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Sheesh, give your sister a break.

Also, if the closest sibling lives 3 hours away it sounds like
it is time to move Dad to your town or another sibling's town.

[Anonymous]

You are modeling what your daughter will do when you are 91.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are modeling what your daughter will do when you are 91.

Give me a break. Maybe dad should have moved near his kids 20 years ago. There’s lessons on both sides here.

[Anonymous]

And remember...it's not just Christmas. It's also Thanksgiving, Easter, 4th of July, Mother's/Father's Day, Birthdays and well visit checks that the person closest by does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all are probably right.

FWIW, I do visit my father 2 or 3 times a year. Call him every week.

I don't think my Dad really cares what he does on Xmas. He also has no retention so a week later he does not even remember.

Doesn't matter to me if our DD visits us when we are old. I think people live too long these days anyway. No quality of life, just endless years.

No quality of life?
My 84 yr old dad cooks, plays in the computer, goes to the gym 3 times a week, has other hobbies. I know someone over 100 who has a sharp mind, plays internet games, reads, belongs to a book club.these people who’ve an enjoyable life, your attitude sucks so I would guess your quality of life sucks now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all are probably right.

FWIW, I do visit my father 2 or 3 times a year. Call him every week.

I don't think my Dad really cares what he does on Xmas. He also has no retention so a week later he does not even remember.

Doesn't matter to me if our DD visits us when we are old. I think people live too long these days anyway. No quality of life, just endless years.

OP you say this now. I said a lot of things when I was young. Why do you call only once a week?

[Anonymous]

Your dad doesn't remember what happened a week ago? And lives mostly on his own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up to spend a holiday with your dad, your child's grandfather?

I would think you should go this year. He's 91.

Not trying to be cold, but he is 91 and your dad. Spend some time with him.

This.

How is this even a question? Op, when you are 91 would you find happiness in your child deciding to spend Christmas with you so you aren’t alone?

You are also being incredibly unfair to your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad doesn't remember what happened a week ago? And lives mostly on his own?

And doesn’t comprehend things and is losing his hearing? How is this not neglect?

[Anonymous]

You will care if your dd visits you when you are old. My mom told me never to live with either parents... when I got married, now she is saying she needs to move in! FIL is on his own, and goes nuts if people don't visit him. We all think we won't feel or expect this, and then we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad doesn't remember what happened a week ago? And lives mostly on his own?

Ha. I noticed that too. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dad doesn't remember what happened a week ago? And lives mostly on his own?

And doesn’t comprehend things and is losing his hearing? How is this not neglect?

I mean, exactly! Who cooks his food? What about stove being left on? I don't get it, how can people allow this? What are we Norwegian? At least there, they put their elderly in great homes, even if they only come visit rarely.