91 Year Old Father and Xmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are modeling what your daughter will do when you are 91.

Give me a break. Maybe dad should have moved near his kids 20 years ago. There’s lessons on both sides here.

This is a good point. My parents did not move into a place that was easier to get around. The result was that one of them had to be moved into a facility where they were not well taken care of...may have turned out better if they had moved to another place or modified their own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you know the right thing. You asked the forum because you just need a little support, encouragement and push into the right direction. Just do it. You know it in your heart. If his faculties are declining, this can be his last Christmas and you will be glad you did it. If not, you still will be glad you did it.

+1 Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you know the right thing. You asked the forum because you just need a little support, encouragement and push into the right direction. Just do it. You know it in your heart. If his faculties are declining, this can be his last Christmas and you will be glad you did it. If not, you still will be glad you did it.

+1 Well said.

Exactly. Do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up to spend a holiday with your dad, your child's grandfather?

I would think you should go this year. He's 91.

Not trying to be cold, but he is 91 and your dad. Spend some time with him.

This is just illogical and rude.

My parents are cross-country. Their choice 20+ years ago. They don't want to move despite lots of health issues, running out of cash, inhospitable house, etc. I can't be hopping on a plane to the tune of $500-700 dollars plus hotel every year (just for me) because they 'don't wanna'. It takes away from my own family, my own holidays. I have a kid to pick up and drive to college, pets that need taking care of, and a business to run. When they start down the 'we never get to see you' routine, I tell them I will go out when I can, but they are too far away to see more than once a year, if that much.

When things settle down here, I plan to drive out and spend a month or two, but it has to be done when I can do it. And yes, I've offered many other alternatives to keep us closer together, and their doctors have begged them to take advantage.
Fe
OP, call him regularly and if you can set up easy teleconferencing do it. Feel no guilt.

Easy for you to say; your parents are still alive.

Trust me, you will miss then when they're gone. And you won't miss that $500 - $700 you spent on the trip.

[Anonymous]

OP here. You know I am not sure why I started this thread. Maybe I WAS hoping for that magic answer. But you all are right. I will do my best to start alternating xmas’s with my sister starting next year.

My DH and I are 60. Been married 32 years.

And no i don’t resent my DH for needing heart surgery. FWIW, his heart issue was not caused by life style choices. If anything his life style choices have made him the healthiest he can be which will help him recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up to spend a holiday with your dad, your child's grandfather?

I would think you should go this year. He's 91.

Not trying to be cold, but he is 91 and your dad. Spend some time with him.

This is just illogical and rude.

My parents are cross-country. Their choice 20+ years ago. They don't want to move despite lots of health issues, running out of cash, inhospitable house, etc. I can't be hopping on a plane to the tune of $500-700 dollars plus hotel every year (just for me) because they 'don't wanna'. It takes away from my own family, my own holidays. I have a kid to pick up and drive to college, pets that need taking care of, and a business to run. When they start down the 'we never get to see you' routine, I tell them I will go out when I can, but they are too far away to see more than once a year, if that much.

When things settle down here, I plan to drive out and spend a month or two, but it has to be done when I can do it. And yes, I've offered many other alternatives to keep us closer together, and their doctors have begged them to take advantage.
Fe
OP, call him regularly and if you can set up easy teleconferencing do it. Feel no guilt.

Easy for you to say; your parents are still alive.

Trust me, you will miss then when they're gone. And you won't miss that $500 - $700 you spent on the trip.

Best advice on this thread. There may be no next time.
Sister is stressed. Give her a break.
I read this thinking you weren't traveling because you had a young child (we stopped traveling when kid was born). At age 60, that is unlikely. So it seems even more selfish not to go.

[Anonymous]

Final OP — mostly I start threads as replying to the posts helps me think it through. But if u wanna paint me as some evil witch — I can’t stop you.

[Anonymous]

So many with young kids live under the impression that it gets easier. It doesn’t. Not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

My husband's grandmother lives an ocean away in Europe. She is an only child, widowed, had only one child herself (my MIL) who died, so she is literally all alone. She's 87 and in excellent health. She will not move in with us, we've offered and tried. My DH's only sibling lives in California. We made an agreement that we would trade off Christmas so she wouldn't be alone. My SIL has no kids, we have 3. But it wouldn't be right to guilt her into always going. My kids don't like spending Christmas away from home but this year we are doing to great-grandmas. It's the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Have Christmas a week before Christmas...done.

[Anonymous]

OP I hope you start alternating and go visit your dad for at least one of the holidays this year. There really may not be a next year. The guilt is not worth it.