91 Year Old Father and Xmas

[Anonymous]

I'm 12:25 -- and to the OP -- don't beat yourself up. I know that with my siblings -- everyone does what they can. We are all on the same side here.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as one of the siblings who is the most responsible for my senior mother, you are an awful and selfish person OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all are probably right.

FWIW, I do visit my father 2 or 3 times a year. Call him every week.

I don't think my Dad really cares what he does on Xmas. He also has no retention so a week later he does not even remember.

Doesn't matter to me if our DD visits us when we are old. I think people live too long these days anyway. No quality of life, just endless years.

Yes it will. You just think that now because you can't really imagine it. Of course you will want visits from your DD.

[Anonymous]

You REALLY need to go, OP. If money is not an issue and a business or first class reclining seat is best for your back, can your father pay for your ticket?

[Anonymous]

You say you are one of four siblings?

How are the other two in the mix (or not)?

You say you already go 2-3 times a year, seems like covering Christmas for one of those trips makes sense, frankly.

[Anonymous]

So the only option is to go to his house where he doesn't celebrate christmas? What kind of christmas is that? Why not bring him to your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up to spend a holiday with your dad, your child's grandfather?

I would think you should go this year. He's 91.

Not trying to be cold, but he is 91 and your dad. Spend some time with him.

This.

Also, to put this on your sister and her immediate family every year really isn't fair, even if they are the only ones who live close to your dad.

My mom ended up the primary caregiver to both of my grandmothers plus one of my (childless, unmarried) aunts. Despite having a large family, NO ONE else stepped forward and offered to help more than maybe a handful of days every year. It was both emotionally and physically exhausting for my mother (who also worked full time), and a detriment to her own small family, as we could never leave the situation for a break. That went on for 10 years. Growing up in that environment has really colored my opinion on family members who don't pull their own weight.

Agree, this happened to me with my MIL. Lots of family - she had siblings (4) and another child and not one offered even a day of help. I did it all for years.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child and my DD is an only too. My dad made it to 90.

I spent quite a few major holidays with him while my DH took my daughter to visit his relatives in another state. That was okay by me. My dad couldn't travel and I certainly wouldn't leave him alone. He was kind of out of it too but he would have noticed if he were alone during the holidays.

If nothing else, remember that you are modeling good behavior for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up to spend a holiday with your dad, your child's grandfather?

I would think you should go this year. He's 91.

Not trying to be cold, but he is 91 and your dad. Spend some time with him.

+1 And model how to be a good child to your child. You'll be wishing you had done a better job of it soon enough.

[Anonymous]

He's 91 with cognition problems? Visit now, while he still recognizes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up to spend a holiday with your dad, your child's grandfather?

I would think you should go this year. He's 91.

Not trying to be cold, but he is 91 and your dad. Spend some time with him.

This is just illogical and rude.

My parents are cross-country. Their choice 20+ years ago. They don't want to move despite lots of health issues, running out of cash, inhospitable house, etc. I can't be hopping on a plane to the tune of $500-700 dollars plus hotel every year (just for me) because they 'don't wanna'. It takes away from my own family, my own holidays. I have a kid to pick up and drive to college, pets that need taking care of, and a business to run. When they start down the 'we never get to see you' routine, I tell them I will go out when I can, but they are too far away to see more than once a year, if that much.

When things settle down here, I plan to drive out and spend a month or two, but it has to be done when I can do it. And yes, I've offered many other alternatives to keep us closer together, and their doctors have begged them to take advantage.

OP, call him regularly and if you can set up easy teleconferencing do it. Feel no guilt.

[Anonymous]

A good article here:
https://www.assisted-living-directory.com/content/stubborn-senior.cfm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you have to go, OP. There is no creative way around it.

My FIL lives in rural ND, 3 hours from closest airport, which is 2 flights from here. We had avoided going for major holidays because it is so unpleasant - tiny apartment, hoarder, grouchy old dude. But we went for Thanksgiving last year, and we are glad we did. We stayed in a hotel and let the kid get as many candy bars from the vending machine as he wanted, and let him stay up late watching pay per view movies. We drove out to the middle of nowhere to watch the sun rise over the prairie. We played on the playground where my husband played as a child, even though it was 20 degrees out. It wasn't our usual holiday, but it was the right thing to do and it was just fine.

Good post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you have to go, OP. There is no creative way around it.

My FIL lives in rural ND, 3 hours from closest airport, which is 2 flights from here. We had avoided going for major holidays because it is so unpleasant - tiny apartment, hoarder, grouchy old dude. But we went for Thanksgiving last year, and we are glad we did. We stayed in a hotel and let the kid get as many candy bars from the vending machine as he wanted, and let him stay up late watching pay per view movies. We drove out to the middle of nowhere to watch the sun rise over the prairie. We played on the playground where my husband played as a child, even though it was 20 degrees out. It wasn't our usual holiday, but it was the right thing to do and it was just fine.

Good post.

+1 One of the best pieces of advice my mom ever gave me was when our first child was born. She told me that there are almost no do-overs with kids and time flies by so you have to have your priorities in order and let that be your guide. In my opinion, the same thing applies with our parents as they age. It may mean that things are different or a little more difficult in the moment but extending yourself to comfort and care for an elderly parent is the right thing to do.

I love the model that the first poster gives above. This is a poster who 'gets' that there are no do-overs and has her priorities in order. What a valuable lesson she and her husband taught their child. And you know what? I bet the kid loved the experience and still talks about the adventure while OP and her husband can rest easily knowing they did the right thing by OP's FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all are probably right.

FWIW, I do visit my father 2 or 3 times a year. Call him every week.

I don't think my Dad really cares what he does on Xmas. He also has no retention so a week later he does not even remember.

Doesn't matter to me if our DD visits us when we are old. I think people live too long these days anyway. No quality of life, just endless years.

Yes it will. You just think that now because you can't really imagine it. Of course you will want visits from your DD.

+1. Wait until you hardly see DD or any other people than paid caregivers, OP. You are in the prime of life and have many people in your life.