91 Year Old Father and Xmas

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to go visit. You’ll see your dad, you’ll see your sister, your sister and her family will get a break. You should have a teleconference with all four siblings and figure out how the rest of you are going to do more to ease your sister’s load.

The back pain thing is a red herring, since you say you travel there 2-3 times a year. You need to go this Christmas and let your sister and her family enjoy the holiday free from dealing with your dad. You know it’s the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will care if your dd visits you when you are old. My mom told me never to live with either parents... when I got married, now she is saying she needs to move in! FIL is on his own, and goes nuts if people don't visit him. We all think we won't feel or expect this, and then we do.

They think like that when they are young and healthy enough to care for themselves. But once they start to decline a bit physically and aren't as mentally sharp they feel scared and want someone to take care of them. I think we'll all get to that phase and we really need to take the responsibility to plan for ourselves while we still can.

[Anonymous]

We don't all get to this stage. In fact many women who do caregiving end up the exact opposite, it leaves lasting scars. It's also a myth that previous generations did much caregiving, even for living relatives. They didn't, they would move away and leave their parents and grandparents to fend for themselves. The Longitudinal Study of Generations out of California shows that boomers are the first generation that has done caregiving en masse.

The 91 year old father almost certainly did no caregiving or preplanning and yes, he's an accident waiting to happen. My 90 year old neighbour tried the "age in place" with cognitive failure and ended up breaking her skull falling down the stairs one night.

Norwegians are pragmatic, they think it's wrong to burden kids, Americans think it's fine. In my country, we can now choose what is called "10 minutes to midnight". So proactive people who want to track cognitive decline can choose medical aid in dying in the early stages of Alzheimer's. That's exactly what I will do. The doctor will assess your cognitive decline and give you a warning before you sink into the "not competent" phase and lose your chance to check out "gracefully."

I think spending big piles of money on care homes is a waste of money and expecting kids or low-status women to tend to me is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't all get to this stage. In fact many women who do caregiving end up the exact opposite, it leaves lasting scars. It's also a myth that previous generations did much caregiving, even for living relatives. They didn't, they would move away and leave their parents and grandparents to fend for themselves. The Longitudinal Study of Generations out of California shows that boomers are the first generation that has done caregiving en masse.

The 91 year old father almost certainly did no caregiving or preplanning and yes, he's an accident waiting to happen. My 90 year old neighbour tried the "age in place" with cognitive failure and ended up breaking her skull falling down the stairs one night.

Norwegians are pragmatic, they think it's wrong to burden kids, Americans think it's fine. In my country, we can now choose what is called "10 minutes to midnight". So proactive people who want to track cognitive decline can choose medical aid in dying in the early stages of Alzheimer's. That's exactly what I will do. The doctor will assess your cognitive decline and give you a warning before you sink into the "not competent" phase and lose your chance to check out "gracefully."

I think spending big piles of money on care homes is a waste of money and expecting kids or low-status women to tend to me is selfish.

What is your point exactly? Women get scars from caring about elderly? Yes, we know. Yes, we know that maybe older generations didn't do much care giving. But, plenty of them did. So, he didn't care for his parents and hence he doesn't deserve to be cared for? What are you Lucifer? Your neighbor was better off cracking her skull? Norwegians also have an insane care-giving options, which many here do not have. Sure, they are pragmatic because their social system allows them to be so. Now, you think spending money on care homes is a waste of money? Ageing on your own was stupid for your neighbor? I have never read so much insane drivel as in your post. Low status women to tend to you?! Is selfish? So, trying it on your own was not smart, spending money on care is a waste of money, nobody should care for elderly as they didn't care for their parents, JHC! What is the right way as we don't have the Norwegian system in place here? Attestupa? Are you going to jump off of cliff? Is that what you are suggesting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't all get to this stage. In fact many women who do caregiving end up the exact opposite, it leaves lasting scars. It's also a myth that previous generations did much caregiving, even for living relatives. They didn't, they would move away and leave their parents and grandparents to fend for themselves. The Longitudinal Study of Generations out of California shows that boomers are the first generation that has done caregiving en masse.

The 91 year old father almost certainly did no caregiving or preplanning and yes, he's an accident waiting to happen. My 90 year old neighbour tried the "age in place" with cognitive failure and ended up breaking her skull falling down the stairs one night.

Norwegians are pragmatic, they think it's wrong to burden kids, Americans think it's fine. In my country, we can now choose what is called "10 minutes to midnight". So proactive people who want to track cognitive decline can choose medical aid in dying in the early stages of Alzheimer's. That's exactly what I will do. The doctor will assess your cognitive decline and give you a warning before you sink into the "not competent" phase and lose your chance to check out "gracefully."

I think spending big piles of money on care homes is a waste of money and expecting kids or low-status women to tend to me is selfish.

Whoa. Let me get this straight. You think that euthanizing the elderly is okay and it is okay because you think that they are selfish??? Holey moley. I don't even know how to respond to that. I am sooooo glad that I don't know you. You sound like a truly horrible human being.

[Anonymous]

LOL at moron who thinks she will choose euthanasia when she gets Alzheimer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't all get to this stage. In fact many women who do caregiving end up the exact opposite, it leaves lasting scars. It's also a myth that previous generations did much caregiving, even for living relatives. They didn't, they would move away and leave their parents and grandparents to fend for themselves. The Longitudinal Study of Generations out of California shows that boomers are the first generation that has done caregiving en masse.

The 91 year old father almost certainly did no caregiving or preplanning and yes, he's an accident waiting to happen. My 90 year old neighbour tried the "age in place" with cognitive failure and ended up breaking her skull falling down the stairs one night.

Norwegians are pragmatic, they think it's wrong to burden kids, Americans think it's fine. In my country, we can now choose what is called "10 minutes to midnight". So proactive people who want to track cognitive decline can choose medical aid in dying in the early stages of Alzheimer's. That's exactly what I will do. The doctor will assess your cognitive decline and give you a warning before you sink into the "not competent" phase and lose your chance to check out "gracefully."

I think spending big piles of money on care homes is a waste of money and expecting kids or low-status women to tend to me is selfish.

Whoa. Let me get this straight. You think that euthanizing the elderly is okay and it is okay because you think that they are selfish??? Holey moley. I don't even know how to respond to that. I am sooooo glad that I don't know you. You sound like a truly horrible human being.

Seriously. Maybe you really should stay the hell away from the elderly. You are just awful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My Dad is not neglected. He has someone at his house everyday to make him lunch and drivers available on a schedule for him to go have dinner with his 90 year old girlfriend which he does 6 nights out of 7.

He never cooked and has no interest in using the stove. So that is not a concern. He uses a keurig to make his coffee.

We his children are respecting his choice to age in place.

I have started conversations with my DH and DC and am hopeful we can cover Xmas next year. Numerous reasons we can not go this year. Of course next year may be off the table as well as my DH is likely to be recovering from open heart surgery.

I am doing the best I can to be a good wife, mother, daughter, and sister.

Don't quite understand the PP who said my spinal issues are a 'red herring'? Anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My Dad is not neglected. He has someone at his house everyday to make him lunch and drivers available on a schedule for him to go have dinner with his 90 year old girlfriend which he does 6 nights out of 7.

He never cooked and has no interest in using the stove. So that is not a concern. He uses a keurig to make his coffee.

We his children are respecting his choice to age in place.

I have started conversations with my DH and DC and am hopeful we can cover Xmas next year. Numerous reasons we can not go this year. Of course next year may be off the table as well as my DH is likely to be recovering from open heart surgery.

I am doing the best I can to be a good wife, mother, daughter, and sister.

Don't quite understand the PP who said my spinal issues are a 'red herring'? Anyone?

You appear to be able to travel 2 to 3 times a year except at Christmas time. And you also appear to schedule major surgery at Christmastime. You can't go this year, you probably can't next year and yada, yada.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, you are probably a good wife and mother but not such a great sister and daughter. But I suppose you can live with that, right?

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Wow you all are so harsh.

It seems as if you all are getting off on insulting me so please continue!

Travel during the holidays is always worse and way more expensive. The longer the travel day, the worse it is on my spine.

I know this as we travelled to my Dad’s house for every other Xmas for the first 15 years of our marriage. Once my child was born (year 16 of marriage) we stopped traveling for Holidays.

For years after my mother died, my father drove to my sisters house for Xmas. I think this will be the 2nd or 3rd Xmas she has spent Xmas at his house as he no longer drives. So maybe I am a little slow in offering but not like it’s been going on forever.

Both my sister and my Dad are ok with me. I kind of wonder about the posters that are so quick to judge. Have you lived through the deterioration of your parents or in-laws yet?

Also my father can afford caregivers and that is what he does. We work with his care manager to ensure he has everything he needs. So while my sister is without a doubt the most loving daughter —- it’s not as if she is physically caring for him.

I am tempted to list all the ways I am a good daughter and a good sister but seems pointless so I won’t.

Also we are not scheduling my DH’s open heart surgery at Xmas next year. Just not sure exactly when it will need to happen. Also I believe the recovery could last 2 - 3 months.

Just wanted to add that my father is lucky that he can afford care in his home. I feel bad for the posters on here who are caring for their elders full time with no support from siblings or other family members.

May we all learn from theses stories and do better to not be a burden on our children.

[Anonymous]

Your dh is having an open heart surgery? How old is your dh? Since you waited 16 years to have a kid, I am guessing older? Aside from your dad, open heart surgery is a very difficult thing. Many people never recover properly. If all goes well, recovery might be lengthy. I wish your dh all the best and hope he recovers quickly.
Being a burden is, sometimes, not an option. I always say, treat others the way you wish to be treated. Your dh likely did not wish to have a heart surgery, do you begrudge him that he will be a burden to you, most likely, sometime next year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father lives alone in his home and is managing ok. He does have an care manager and some staff hired to help him (i.e., driving him around, grocery shopping, cleaning). He doesn't hear well, doesn't comprehend everything, is losing his ability to find words, etc...

I am one of 4 siblings and live 2 plane flights away. My older sister and older brother are a 3 hour drive away. Every year my sister, her DH, and 2 adult children spend Xmas with him. It is not fun and basically stressful for her every year. Added detail is that my brother spends Thanksgiving with my father every year.

Has anyone had a similar situation? I feel bad for making my sister do this every year. Next year I may ask my DH and DD (only child) to suck it up and spend Xmas with my Dad so my sister can have the holiday off. But TBH I REALLY don't want to do this. To make it more complicated flying across country is difficult for me due to spinal issues.

I am hopeful that there are others on here who have come up with creative solutions to spending xmas with their elders. Fortunately for my father, money is not an issue.

Any creative suggestions or ideas?

There are no "creative" suggestions beyond booking the travel and then...traveling.

He's 91. This could be your last chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If money isn't an issue, why can't father come to them or come to you? I can't imagine spending Christmas at my grandma's house. She doesn't decorate or celebrate (obviously she's too infirm) so she comes to us. Why can't they drive 3 hours, get grandpa and have him stay at their home.

Seriously? Two flights away at this age?

Well.. if you can not imagine to sacrifice a little for your aging parent then try to imagine all the sacrifices a parent endured for a child. Perhaps this will help you to understand? After all Christmas is not about the décor and gifts, it has much deeper meaning that you might have missed? I would say that decorating trees and exchanging gifts does not make you any better
Christian then standing in a garage and pretending you are a car.

[Anonymous]

OP, you know the right thing. You asked the forum because you just need a little support, encouragement and push into the right direction. Just do it. You know it in your heart. If his faculties are declining, this can be his last Christmas and you will be glad you did it. If not, you still will be glad you did it.