Overnight visitation when one parent moves out to stay with friends

[Anonymous]

Wise mamas, I need your advice,

STBX and I are splitting after the holidays. We are not married and the kids are 4 and 7. We live in a house that is in his name only. I am currently a SAHM. Lots of bad decisions biting me in the ass now, eh?

He has proposed him moving out and staying with friends until the end of the school year so that the 7 year old can finish the year, then the house will go on the market. I'd like to relocate closer to family and he is open to job hunting there. So for logistical and financial reasons he is not planning on looking for a new place here and I certainly don't have funds to get a new place.

He has proposed having visitation with the kids at the house 2 evenings per week from 5-8. Cool, I can be gone then. He also wants to have them every other weekend from 6:00pm on Friday until 6:00pm on Sunday. He thinks it is feasible to all stay here. Given the fact that he has taken up with a new GF who he texts constantly and that he is verbally abusive to me, I don't see how that can work. We are constantly fighting and being around him makes me a wreck. Not good for the kiddos and I can barely function when he is here. I suggested every other Friday evening and Saturday from 8:00am until 8:00pm. He says that it is in the best interests of the kids to see him and that includes overnights and that I am free to leave the house those weekends. He says that I shouldn't let my best interests get in the way of what the kids need. Anyone else been through this? Suggestions for how to make this work? I don't have family in the area or friends that I can impose on several days/nights per month.

I can't believe that an old flame from classmates.com has turned my whole world upside down. What a cliche.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are in this situation OP. Agree that cohabiting part time can only work if you get along well. Do you have a lawyer? You will need to file for child support, which you can do on your own. The staff at the court will help you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear. Can you stay with a friend every other weekend through June and go out when he's over during the week? As for the children, when will you telling them? It's possible that after you've told them that the week night visits might get tricky if you are there and leave after he comes. They might clamor for Mommy and it could be a mess. (I speak from experience.) So if there's a way to avoid that that might help the children. You are fortunate he's interested in relocating in tandem and also that he's not pushing for more time. My ex is a 50-50 extremist.

[Anonymous]

No, I can go out for 3 hours a few times per week but have no one to stay with for entire weekends and no money for a hotel. He will be couch surfing so there isn't any way for the kids to stay wherever he is staying that week. I realize that he is being good on the relocation (although it's closer to new GF too) but I can't live under this stress 2 weekends a month. He claims that I am keeping the kids from him not to let him move back in for those 2 weekends.

The kids know, he screamed "It's OVER!" at me in front of them, so we all found out at the same time. Older son has already asked if he thinks he will get married/have another family and he said "yes". No consulting child psychs or books before springing the news here. Aye, what a mess.

[Anonymous]

I have heard of parents who do this - share the childrens' residence in "shifts". But usually you have to have a VERY friendly divorce.

I would get and give him a copy of the Sandcastles approach to divorce book. The children should be exposed to NO parental conflict. Every question you answer, think about your child's feelings. "Will daddy get married and have a new family?" You answer: "Well I don't know sweety, but it might be nice to have some more brothers and sisters don't you think? ".

I would normally refuse to share the home with a man like your husband but since it's HIS house you don't really want to aggravate him.

I hope you are talking to a lawyer. You may have "common law" rights.

If he is being abusive and screaming in front of the kids, you need to write that all down in a paper journal.

And, your attorney may be able to get you a "no paramours" clause in your visitation and custody agreement. No girlfriends or boyfriends around the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, got that book today and hope to get to reading after bedtime. He has bought no books and refuses to open them. Feel very vulnerable right now so want to be as agreeable as possible. I'd share the house in shifts but in this case I don't have anywhere to GO.

[Anonymous]

Where do you live, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, I can only imagine how vulnerable you are feeling now (as you said) and the last thing you need is judgment or harshness from this board... so please don't take this in that manner. Truly, that is not the spirit in which this is written.

My concern would be first and foremost for your children (as I'm sure your concern is) -- they who didn't ask for any of this. THEIR NEEDS need to be the top priority, even when they are in conflict with your wishes or best interests. It seems to me that what they need now more than anything is stability. And that should mean that they get to stay in the same home, all of the time. I agree with the PPs who say that this is easier if the split is amicable, but just because it is not easy for you in this case does not mean that it should not happen. Can you have a rational discussion with your BF about this (sans girlfriend), and work something out? Even if you are there at the same time, but promise to stay in a different part of the house, he has complete say-so over schedule/ activities, etc? And can you get him to at least agree that the girlfriend is out of the picture during this visitation time? You may have to swallow your pride and put up with a lot during these visits, but all in the name of giving the kids what they need.

You absolutely should be talking to a lawyer, and soon.

And finally, I can't help but comment on your remark that his encounter with classmates.com turned your world upside down. While that may be true, when you get out of the heat of all of this, I think it would do you some good to reflect on the role that you may have played in creating this situation that your children will have to deal with for the rest of their lives. I hope that you will find out how empowering it is to own our problems and the actions that we took to create them.

[Anonymous]

So his new girlfriend is ok with the idea of him spending the night with you every other weekend???? I know that "you" know nothing's going on, but does she? I can't imagine a sane woman putting up with that....and if that's the case, maybe his idea of overnights will end sooner then they begin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You absolutely should be talking to a lawyer, and soon.

And finally, I can't help but comment on your remark that his encounter with classmates.com turned your world upside down.

LOL not the OP here, I lost my spouse to facebook.

[Anonymous]

23:06 What? HE HAS TWO KIDS! GF's of dads deal with this all the time. Plus it sounds like the GF doesn't live in the area.

OP I hope you can find a way to make these two weekends a month work. From the outside it seems most reasonable and it's great for the kids not to have to shuttle back and forth as they adjust to the idea. I hope you've explained things beyond what they heard/witnessed. As for a lawyer, I would save your money and work directly with your children's dad. Right now what's to discuss? He's not charging you rent, so you have no housing costs and presumably he's still paying for food etc. Hire a lawyer when you relocate because child support is different from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You absolutely should be talking to a lawyer, and soon.

And finally, I can't help but comment on your remark that his encounter with classmates.com turned your world upside down.

LOL not the OP here, I lost my spouse to facebook.

I'm very sorry. And I know that happens often. What I meant to state more clearly was some of these other circumstances, such as having two kids out of wedlock with a man who, in hindsight anyway, had no intention of commiting to OP.

[Anonymous]

12:22 Oh gosh lots of married people end up finding little commitment through the institution. My ex left 18 months after we had a child. A lot of good the institution did me. You really are harsh.

[Anonymous]

But at least you had some legal recourse.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

So no one finds the prospect of him staying here unreasonable?

My proposed visitation (here, at the house):

Every Tuesday evening
Every Thursday evening
Every other Friday evening
Every other Saturday from breakfast to bedtime

I just do not get the need for him to be here overnight (how is he "visiting" when they are asleep?) I think it's completely unworkable. I am not trying to keep the kids from him I just want things to stabilize and for them not to be exposed to him screaming at me all the time.

If he had a separate household and could have them I'd agree to every other weekend. If I had someplace to go, I'd leave every other weekend. It's a 2 BR house in DC, not a McMansion with an au pair suite, there isn't a whole lof of "other part of the house" to sleep in or to get away in.

GF does not live in the area and he would probably lie to her about where she is.