Overnight visitation when one parent moves out to stay with friends

[Anonymous]

Oops, meant where "HE" is.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Whoa! You think two overnights a month is reasonable? DC is presumptive joint. If he gets a lawyer he could well be talked into asking for more than HE's proposed, which is really very reasonable. Maybe you should talk to a lawyer and get educated about what to expect. Your getting a hotel four nights a month is cheaper than renting a separate place. Can he pay for a hotel? Can you borrow money for a hotel? (Also watch out if he is lying to GF he might do it on his cell in front of the kids. Maybe you should be there to monitor his behavior!)

[Anonymous]

OP here,

His staying with friends is temporary until the house goes on the market towards the end of the school year. He is staying with friends due to financial reasons. We barely had enough $ for one household and I am a SAHM.

I fully expect him to get overnights and maybe even more of a 50/50 split once we relocate and both establish residences where the kids can stay. We are relocating to WA state where one or two evenings per week and every other weekend is typical, that schedule also worked for him right now. The problem isn't one of access it's of location. If I had the $ to go elsewhere or a place to go, I would. What is the magical thing ablout the night when he is going to see them plenty during the day if it makes me periodically homeless?

I don't see how he can demand overnights in what is in essence MY home when he otherwise has a lot of time with the kids. The current situation is only until the end of the school year. If there was $ for a hotel he could get a studio but there isn't and we are likely all moving in June.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

But isn't DC presumptive joint when the parents have BOTH established residences suitable for visitation?

What if the house was in my name? No one would suggest I move out every other weekend then. I may have some common law right to the house, and proceeds from the sale, investigating that now.

He is the one leaving the kids. I don't think it's reasonable for him to get them overnight when he can't provide them with a place to live and sleep. His choice to move and couch surf, not mine, not the kids. Happy to have him spend lots of time with them while they are awake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

So no one finds the prospect of him staying here unreasonable?

My proposed visitation (here, at the house):

Every Tuesday evening
Every Thursday evening
Every other Friday evening
Every other Saturday from breakfast to bedtime

I just do not get the need for him to be here overnight (how is he "visiting" when they are asleep?) I think it's completely unworkable. I am not trying to keep the kids from him I just want things to stabilize and for them not to be exposed to him screaming at me all the time.

If he had a separate household and could have them I'd agree to every other weekend. If I had someplace to go, I'd leave every other weekend. It's a 2 BR house in DC, not a McMansion with an au pair suite, there isn't a whole lof of "other part of the house" to sleep in or to get away in.

GF does not live in the area and he would probably lie to her about where she is.

So then just say no. What do you think will happen?

[Anonymous]

OP here

I'm afraid to find out, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

OK, what are you afraid of? Afraid he will evict you? Afraid he will beat you up? Afraid of the tirade?

If he does go ballistic on you, (and you don't fear for your life) dial 911 and allow them to listen in on the screaming and threats. This will dig his grave for him as far as his position on custody etc. If you fear for your safety then have friends or the police there ahead of time.

Are you actively talking to a lawyer and what does she say about your living situation? About your common law rights?

As a SAHM you are the primary caregiver. He would be seen as acting against the children's best interests if he evicts you. Also, he is the one abandoning the family and who has taken up with a new GF.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm not following. Does he know what you are proposing? And also why are you not willing to do every other weekend, just not with overnights? Also you might be able to find a room on craiglist for much, much less than a hotel or a studio rental.

[Anonymous]

OP here, He does know about my counter proposal but insists he wants to "wake up" with his children.

I am not willing to agree to be out of the house for 12 hours both Saturday and Sunday in addition to 9 hours of evening time during the week. 12 hours yes, 24 hours no. When $ is tight, there is only so much you can do to kill time in public and I don't have anyone I can impose on that regularly.

Work needs to be done on the house to put it on the market. There is NO money for renting anything, thus he is going to stay with various friends. Yes, a room would be cheaper, but there is no money. This is just for a few months until we move back to WA.

[Anonymous]

Not waking up with the children for six months is a long time. I believe you said six months, the end of the school year. I really, really understand you do not want to be further inconvenienced but I think his request is reasonable and that you and he should find a way to cover the costs of your staying somewhere else two weekends a month. He's got to learn to parent solo. I bet if you went to a lawyer, she/he would tell you the same thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'll look at the numbers again. Maybe I could look for pet or housesitting gigs. It's not the inconvenience, it's just that I don't want to keep sharing a house with him when he is gone. I will move out if I can figure out a place to go. I know some people continue to live together but since he has started up with a new gf it makes it really hard after all this time, especially the constant texting.

[Anonymous]

OP I really empathize ... splits are always awful, worse still when someone finds someone new. Craigslist might save you. Also with hotels.com you might be able to find something decent for $99 a night before taxes. Weird I know but better than being under the same roof. And if he wants to stay overnight, he should contribute under these circumstances. Also is he paying child support? It's based on overnights and income and who's covering what expenses, like health insurance. It's online if you want to plug in the numbers.

[Anonymous]

18:59 Maybe you could find a single mom who does every other weekend and stay there at a low rate if your off weekends coincide with hers?

[Anonymous]

18:59 OP here, pretty much his whole paycheck is going to the household, that is why he is staying with friends for free. Things are really tight financially, and we will have to spend some money getting the house ready for sale. If there was money I'd rent a studio or room, believe me. I have been a SAHM for years and don't have any income right now. I am not trying to keep him from seeing the kids, but there is only so much time per month that I can wander the streets and not spend any $.

8:08 That is a good idea, anyone in that situation?

[Anonymous]

8:08 here. I suggest starting a separate thread here as well as using Craigslist and contacting coabode to see if they deal with that. Be sure you specify weekends! Good luck.

Also FYI almost everyone I know who goes through a split like this has to borrow money or refinance the house or rack up credit card debt to pay for the new costs, which include lodging, legal fees. Since he is leaving, can he borrow the funds to cover your lodging while he's at the house? It's four nights a month for six months. You keep saying there is no money. How can you afford two set up two homes and pay for lawyers? The legal fees alone could cost several thousand apiece -- emphasis on could.