Overnight visitation when one parent moves out to stay with friends

[Anonymous]

9:18 Not MY idea to try to set up 2 homes or to pay for lawyers. I have offered to try counseling, whatever I can, but he is infatuated with this other woman and wants out. He has always been bad with money, lots of crazy schemes and magic thinking, so it all seems like it is going to work out to him.

I am hopeful that the proceeds from the house will help. I have a free consult with a lawyer next week to talk about common law marriage and if I am entitled to a share of the house money. I am planning to move back to WA after school ends in June. I can live free with family for a time and I have employment prospects there. It's just getting through the next few months that is going to be extremely difficult financially. Hopefully the house will sell quickly. Agh, I just wish I could hide under the bed.

[Anonymous]

I realize it was not your idea. It wasn't mine either but I still had to deal with the expenses and changes in standard of living and quality of life. Plus I am stuck here: DC's dad won't move. I still do not get why he cannot get funds to cover you. Have you asked him directly? It does not seem fair to you or to the children for him to expect to stay there under the same roof. At the same time, I do think the overnights are good, provided he focuses on the children and not texts to his GF. Maybe you should ask the lawyer about the overnight schedule for the next six months. Some parents put together a separation agreement, in writing, for visitation and splitting assets. I'm really sorry you are going for this.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I just reread your opening post. It seems you have family you can stay with out in WA. Are they happy to help you out right now? If so, I'm maybe not understanding the necessity of staying where you are until the end of the school year.

Your older child is only 7. In first grade, or second? LOTS of people move their kids in first or second grade. Some people think it is better to move in the middle of the year, than at the end of it. When a new kid starts the year new, in third grade, he or she doesn't already have any friends, but is kind of lost in the shuffle of the new year. Sometimes when you start a school year in January, after the winter break, it can be a good thing. You are the new kid, everyone pays attention to you.

If the school situation where you family lives and the home life there would be overall a good thing, it might actually be better and less stressful on you and your children, to move there now. That would give your ex-partner time to get his house on the market and to text his new girlfriend without needing to bother you. You can have your support system there, you kids can start at new schools, and you can start looking for a job.

[Anonymous]

Good stuff to think about, thanks, PP. I think I'm still in a little denial, my first reaction was "That's so sudden!" I'm not sure that their dad would agree. I'd love to get out of this situation though and I'd rather start working sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

14:30 There are a number appealing aspects to this suggestion except for one thing: We don't know where dad stands on this. OP should NOT move without dad's written permission. If she can obtain it, in writing, that's an option. I'm guessing he wouldn't grant it. OP can explain.

While technically not illegal, relocating to another U.S. jurisdiction against the other parent's wishes is frowned upon by the courts and family lawyers and could mean she'd lose his good will on dividing assets and visitation. Also she could be taken to court and ordered back here.

[Anonymous]

I am NOT suggesting just picking up the kids and leaving against the dad's wishes!

It just seems like, OP wants to move to WA, has job prospects and family there. And OP's kids' dad is willing to relocate there, too -- just needs to sell the house and find a job, but it seems he has basically agreed to all of that. They are all just waiting "a few months" until school is over for the 7 year old.

But "a few months" actually equals half a year. That's really quite a long time. Seems like everyone would be better off in WA now, rather than here in expensive DC.

[Anonymous]

And to continue, OP... if your former partner really DOESN'T have any intention of letting you move to WA to be with family, with the kids, then best you learn abotu that now. Because you keep saying you just need some stop-gap measures until the end of the school year, then you can more to WA. If it turns out he really isn't into that idea, then you need some housing solutions for your situation, that you can live with long term.

[Anonymous]

16:10 Your post at 14:30 didn't mention the dad and I wanted to make clear that OP needs his permission. It is not obvious to many folks -- I wanted to move and called my lawyer who explained the drill to me. Also if she isn't sure she can get permission why press OP to move now? It may not be an option. Also they need to fix up the house. And personally I think it would be disruptive to the children to move mid-year and they'd miss their dad. OP's dealing with so much ... this sounds like a great plan and all she needs to do is find a place to stay several nights a month. It's really not terrible as far as splits go. I bet she can find a room for really, really cheap with a mom who's children are with dad every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But at least you had some legal recourse.

I also had 2 kids out of wedlock (unwed, but engaged to ex; I was the one who held back on the ceremony). Marriage is no protection; neither morally nor legally. I was actually better off that I was not married when it came time to separate. Married or unmarried, I still had a right to child support. Unmarried, I didn't have to worry about a court signing off on my custody and child support arrangements as part of a divorce decree. I managed to negotiate directly with ex-partner (with the behind the scenes advice of my lawyer). Lawyer's official advice -- court will order joint custody unless ex has been physically abusive to kids, if you can negotiate a better deal that 50/50 custody, do it privately. The fact that ex was in the throes of serious mental illness with a highly sexual component meant nada in divorce court.

IMO, the "benefit" of marriage is highly specific to the facts about the couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:30 There are a number appealing aspects to this suggestion except for one thing: We don't know where dad stands on this. OP should NOT move without dad's written permission. If she can obtain it, in writing, that's an option. I'm guessing he wouldn't grant it. OP can explain.

While technically not illegal, relocating to another U.S. jurisdiction against the other parent's wishes is frowned upon by the courts and family lawyers and could mean she'd lose his good will on dividing assets and visitation. Also she could be taken to court and ordered back here.

this is very good advice. You MUST see a lawyer before leaving the area w/ kids or it could backfire very badly if not done properly. Seek legal advice as to whether you need "written permission" or what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:10 Your post at 14:30 didn't mention the dad and I wanted to make clear that OP needs his permission. It is not obvious to many folks -- I wanted to move and called my lawyer who explained the drill to me. Also if she isn't sure she can get permission why press OP to move now? It may not be an option.

Well, it seems to me OP is REALLY expecting that this move to WA is in her future. Her ex-partner is just bunking with friends, not finding a place of his own, because they are planning to sell the house and move to WA as soon as school gets out. That's what she said anyhow.

She's scared to make waves with her ex-partner, because it is his house, and he's the one with the income, and it seems like she's worried he'll throw her out, or move back in and refuse to leave. So she's ounting the days until school's out and they can sell the house and move.

Seems like her entire support system is no longer here, it is back in WA. That's where people live who will take her in, and not throw her out. If ex-partner is truly willing to move back to WA, why not do it sooner rather than later? Don't just hang around for a 1st or 2nd grader to finish school, not when you have the other much bigger instability in your life. (The threat of someone kicking mom out of the house, or having to live with a verbally abusive person fighting with mom all the time.)

My guess is, her ex-partner really hasn't thought things through, and doesn't really mean that he's willing to move to WA. Which is a whole different problem for OP, than figuring out a place to live every other weekend for "a few months".

[Anonymous]

18:22 I don't think you're reading OP's posts very closely. GF is out that way, so there's an incentive. And they just can't leave now, they have to get the house ready to put on the market and they need to money to finance the new two-household existence. Plus they don't want to move in the middle of the school year. If he won't let her go now, why do you keep reminding her her entire support system is out there? Maybe we should wait and hear what OP thinks. We know what you think!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't know what to think to be honest. I'm having a really hard time today. Just trying to hold it together for the kids. They are so excited about Christmas.

I think that the plan to stay until June and then all move will probably work if he gets the visitation he wants in the meantime. He has talked about leaving before the house sells if it takes a long time. We are supposed to sit down and make a schedule of work to be done on the house after the holidays.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I think I might call my doctor in the morning, I keep having panic attacks. Wonder if that is something he will try to use against me?

[Anonymous]

OP -- Can you get a job on the weekends? That way you'd have a place to go instead of trying to wander around looking for free places to hang out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- Can you get a job on the weekends? That way you'd have a place to go instead of trying to wander around looking for free places to hang out.

This is actually really practical advice. Either a few hours part-time employment which would give her even a tiny bit of income, or even a few hours volunteering somewhere. Either way, that's a great idea to get some structure for her time out of the house and help the time go faster.