Overnight visitation when one parent moves out to stay with friends

[Anonymous]

OP said she was meeting with a lawyer. I think today, I hope that helps, OP. Also, if you go on antidepressants to help with the anxiety attacks, don't tell your partner. Even if he finds out, he can't use it against you. Going on meds during splits is pretty common. I did -- for anxiety attacks.

As for getting a weekend job, I would think that would be tough because they are hard to find plus you'd give up all your weekend time with the children. Getting one for every other weekend would be great but if dad's sick and can't make the weekend, then what? I agree that volunteering somewhere would be terrific.

[Anonymous]

OP, how are you and your ex going to find time to work on the house, if you aren't going to be there at the same time, but the kids will be there? Who will watch the kids while you or OP is doing work on the house, on the weekends?

[Anonymous]

OP,
How are things going?

[Anonymous]

I don't really get why he'd *want* overnight visits except as a power play or a way to make sure he's not screwed in custody arrangements. Seems like he could play with the kids till they're asleep then you could come home and take over. He may be afraid that if he doesn't do overnights, that you could say "he didn't want the kids overnight" and he could end up with less visitation or custody.

Is it possible that his "couch-surfing" isn't going very well and he's trying to insure that he has a place to stay on those nights?

How about this as a solution? he rents a room in a house for $500/month or something. He lives there and if he absolutely insists on overnight visitation, you stay there during those nights? (bring your own sheets.) in the meantime, it might be a good idea for you to start looking for some sort of job you could do part-time at least. Always a good idea to not be 100% dependent on a guy. (or anyone, really.) And it could be a condition that the GF is not allowed in the house?

good luck.

[Anonymous]

13:46 He's asking for four overnights a month until they relocate. That seems reasonable to me, though money is tight for them right now.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Something tells me the lawyer told you not to post here. True?

[Anonymous]

Nope, just haven't been on the computer much. Just thought of this thread today and then saw it was a recent topic. I have not been able to meet with the lawyer yet, he had to go out of town for a family emergency. It has been rescheduled for tomorrow.

I have just been trying to get through the days. It is a lot more peaceful now that STBX has moved out. He has come and seen the kids 3 evenings which went ok. I had them all last weekend which was a nice stretch to decompress. He is suppose to be here this weekend for the first time and I am in a panic over it. I brought up that I'm not comfortable with him staying here but he started screaming it is his house. One of the kids got invited to a bday party of a friend this weekend. I said that it wasn't my weekend and forwarded the info to STBX. He flipped out and started screaming about why "I" think its's more important for the kids to spend time with friends than him on "his" weekend, even though he is suppposed to be with themon Monday too. DC is now very upset that he might miss his close friend's party. I am afraid to cross STBX for fear that he will cut off the $. I hope that the lawyer has some helpful ideas. Havne't been able to find a place to stay this weekend, and if anyone is going to a hotel it could be him and the kids in my book. It was his choice to leave, I still can't wrap my head around this idea that he has a right to come and go at will because of the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, forgot put that in 12:33.

Even the pets are calmer without all of the screaming.

I have never heard of anyone having visitation overnight at their old house once they moved out. I can't stand the thought of him being here and going through my stuff, etc. He doesn't interact with the kids all that much.

I can't really see us going on like this until mid-June to be honest. I hope the lawyer can help.

[Anonymous]

STBX needs to get a grip. On his weekends, the kids still get to socialize. He can't deprive them of that. He's probably freaking because he's seeing the kids less and he didn't realize how hard that would be. I noticed that when one of us freaks, it when DC is with the other parent. You feel a loss of so much, control and your flesh and blood. I have to say, the lawyer will help outline the law, the what, but not the how. That's what parent coordinators do, and they are pricey. BTW, tons of people rotate in and out of the house, it's called nesting, before two households are established, and most dads insist on more time than your STBX. His plan is not that outrageous!

[Anonymous]

17:09 OP here, nesting is all well and good but in the cases I'm familiar with the parents move in and out not ONE parent moves in and out. I had friends whose parents did it when I was a kid and they kept it up for a few years actually.

My situation is that I am living with the kids in a tiny 2 BR row house. I have no income and we as a household can't afford a hotel or studio. Are you really familiar with people who have had one parent (who is having an affair) move in and out of the family home that isn't large enough for a guest room? If you do know people in my actual situation I'd love to talk with them about how they tolerate it. No contact with him except by phone for 5 days has given all of us desperately needed breathing room and a start on new routines. The kids are more relaxed and I've been off the anxiety meds. I am the one who will be sleeping on the couch when he is here since as he says "I paid for that bed!"

[Anonymous]

Sorry this is so tough, this does sound like modified nesting on a temporary basis. It's four nights a month, correct? Sorry he's a jerk about the couch. I'm one of the PPs who'd suggested you look for a room on craigslist or start a separate thread here. Maybe with a single mom whose children are with dad every other weekend. Maybe that would give you a place to crash for super cheap on those weekends he comes to the house. This is a huge transition, and what you describe is typical. The anxiety, the relief when contact abates, the clashes. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. I'm hoping that the lawyer has some ideas. Are there any books or websites or anything you can recommend? It might be helpful to get more of a sense of "typical", I feel like I never know what is going to come at me next. Him being here this weekend feels so invasive and disruptive.

[Anonymous]

Right but you have to try and accept that he's going to be a part of your lives forever and be grateful, as hard as it might be, that he's not pushing for more overnights right now. You have no idea how lucky you are in that regard. Keep telling yourself it's only two weekends a month, it's only two weekends a month. I'm sorry if I sound preachy but it's good for you to try and focus on every sliver of good you can find in this situation.

Of course you have complaining rights. Breaking up with children is so hard. It's such a drag there aren't funds for a room for you on these weekends. As for books, I'm not sure. I'd go to Amazon and search divorce with children books there. I realize you're not married but these books will deal with visitation and the same stuff you'll deal with. Also, remind yourself it could be worse. I know a man who ran off with a good friend of the wife's! She has to deal with them on a regular basis because of the children. Talk about betrayal ... I know you were betrayed here. But it could be worse, it could be worse.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry PP but you sound like Pollyanna. Have you ever been forced to cohabit with someone part time in a tiny space while going through a divorce initiated by that person? I just did a quick Google on "nesting" or "bird nesting" and it is NOT common OP, and it is only likely to work when both parties agree and when there is a high degree of cooperation. In most cases 3 residences are established, I couldn't find one article where a party who had moved out came and went while the other parent stayed, especialy in such a small space. I think you are in your rights to bar him from the family home that he deserted. Put the onus on HIM to find a place he can host the kids overnight or he foregoes overnights until he has a suitable residence. By the way, the articles I perused all stated that the indicator of how well children due is not who "wakes up with them" but how much conflict there is. Ask your lawyer if there is a way you can draw a line. He left, no longer being there is the logical consequence.

[Anonymous]

typing too fast, that would be "do"