The true answer for why I am less interested in sex is his weight gain - do I tell him that?
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Anonymous
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I see lots of husbands on here complaining about lack of sex. I wonder how many of them have guts that get in the way.
I'm dating someone who was a decent weight when we started dating. In his marriage, he said he got complacent and gained weight and was sloppy in his appearance, etc. He lost weight and exercised more and ate better when once she initiated divorce, and when we started dating about a year ago, he looked pretty good. Now, he is developing more of a stomach. A gut. It's not enormous, but it's enough that I am less attracted to him. More importantly, it gets in the way during sex. I don't like his weight pushed up against me when he is on top of me. Honestly, it is uncomfortable. He's putting too much weight on me. Recently he asked why I seem less passionate and less eager for sex. Some of it was more emotional relationship issues what we needed to resolve, and we seem to have talked through that and are doing better on that front. But really - a lot of it is, I am not as attracted to him. He's eating and drinking too much. His stomach literally gets in the way during missionary sex. Yeah, we can do other positions, but cmon.... Do I tell him the main reason? And if so, how? I already recommend that we do physical activities together. And he eats pretty healthy - he just eats too much sometimes, I think. He seems to just eat even when he isn't hungry. Like he will finish a plate of food just so as not to waste food even if he is not hungry anymore. |
Anonymous
| You might as well just tell him because if you were to marry him it would just get worse. It happened in his first marriage and he hasn’t learned his lesson. Tell him how much better he was in bed when he was lean and mean. |
Anonymous
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My perspective, as someone married to a wonderful man who has put on more than 100 pounds since we got together:
If he struggles with his weight - for whatever reason - you can either accept that he is going to be a bigger guy, or you need to break up and move on. And please, if you do the latter, do not tell him it's because you don't feel attracted to him due to his weight. He got big in his marriage and made an effort to lose weight once his marriage was over. Being bigger is honestly probably his body's natural state - he probably has to work extremely hard to not be bigger, and I don't know if that is sustainable. He probably knows that you prefer him thin. He probably prefers himself thin. If you can't live with him as a bigger person, I think you should probably move on and you can both find partners you are more compatible with. |
Anonymous
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Man here. Let him know the weight is leading to less passion and desire for sex.
Give him a number, a target weight, and hold out the promise of something special if he reaches and maintains it. Chances are he'll be motivated to hit it. |
Lonely_Sojourner
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+100 Completely agree, he needs to know as it will only get worse if you don't hold him accountable now. Perhaps you could use various bedroom activities to incentivize him to shape up? |
Anonymous
You don't understand how weight actually works. He will be able to take the weight off - then will gain it again. https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/ I just don't see how a relationship is successful longterm if it's premised on one partner starving themselves a lot of the time. |
Anonymous
Op here. He doesn't need to starve himself. He just needs to cut down on his alcohol intake and stop putting stuff in his mouth when he isn't even hungry. Maybe I need to just break up with him. He is a grown up. His weight control is his responsibility, not mine, and if he doesn't handle his health in a way that I agree with, maybe the answer is to move on. |
Anonymous
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DH here - you have to tell him, gently, yet directly. Let him figure out his 'number'. Here's the thing though, assuming he does his part and is consistent in keeping the weight off/keeping in shape - you have to follow through with your part b/c if you don't, that will lead to enormous resentment.
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Anonymous
| Op here - I should add - his doctor told him to lose weight. ANd he has high cholesterol that he does not want to medicate. I understand not wanting to take statins, but if that is the case, you need to lose weight and exercise in order to get your cholestrol down. THis isnt just me being superficial. |
Anonymous
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Woman:
My husband got fat and I don't want to have sex with him. Women: Tell him he's fat! Or maybe leave! Man: My wife got fat and I don't want to have sex with her. Women: What are YOU doing to help HER? Are you cooking healthy foods? Are you encouraging her to exercise? And by the way, all bodies are beautiful and there is no excuse for not wanting to have sex just because she's fat. Also, you're probably the reason she's fat. |
Anonymous
Hopefully it's that simple. But if you set it up in his mind the contract "I lose the weight and she will give me enthusiastic sex whenever I want" then you'd better be prepared to follow through. Many men have had this goalpost-moving experience: Her: "We'd have more sex if you'd just do X." Him: (goes and does X) "Can we have sex now?" Her: "We'd have more sex if you'd just do Y." Him: (goes and does Y) "Can we have sex now?" Her: "We'd have more sex if you'd just do Z." Him: (sighs) "I give up." Later, she goes on DCUM and complains about her husband not wanting sex, and the responses assure her that he must be gay and is probably having an affair. |
Anonymous
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I'm sympathetic to both sides, as a naturally chubby person myself. I noticed that when DH gained weight, it affected the angle such that I was no longer getting the right..pressure on my pressure points. It was uncomfortable.
Honestly, you are only dating. Break up and move on. He is going to be bigger and you are compatible in the bedroom in your natural states. |
Anonymous
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I've never struggled with weight myself -- at all, so I have to go with what my wife has told me about her struggles. Telling him anything about his weight is probably going to be piling on what he already tells himself about his weight.
You probably need to either figure out how to love him like he is or cut him loose. |
Lonely_Sojourner
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OP - question... Are you using the weight gain as an excuse to "split the sheets"... Reading between the lines, it seems there could be other relationship factors at play that have been omitted from the original post... |
Anonymous
Woman on DCUM: my husband may be having an affair. Men on DCUM: did you get fat? |