The true answer for why I am less interested in sex is his weight gain - do I tell him that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Let him know the weight is leading to less passion and desire for sex.

Give him a number, a target weight, and hold out the promise of something special if he reaches and maintains it.

Chances are he'll be motivated to hit it.

Hopefully it's that simple. But if you set it up in his mind the contract "I lose the weight and she will give me enthusiastic sex whenever I want" then you'd better be prepared to follow through.

Many men have had this goalpost-moving experience:
Her: "We'd have more sex if you'd just do X."
Him: (goes and does X) "Can we have sex now?"
Her: "We'd have more sex if you'd just do Y."
Him: (goes and does Y) "Can we have sex now?"
Her: "We'd have more sex if you'd just do Z."
Him: (sighs) "I give up."

Later, she goes on DCUM and complains about her husband not wanting sex, and the responses assure her that he must be gay and is probably having an affair.

This is exactly it. As you’re together longer sex will get less exciting in general. If you tell him if he loses weight there will be a lot of sex you better be prepared to put your money where your mouth is. Also never give someone a number. Muscle mass etc. can affect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never struggled with weight myself -- at all, so I have to go with what my wife has told me about her struggles. Telling him anything about his weight is probably going to be piling on what he already tells himself about his weight.

You probably need to either figure out how to love him like he is or cut him loose.

I'm the PP with the heavy husband, and this is how I feel, too.

OK, fine, see if he'll drink less and exercise more and eat better, too. That's a positive set of behaviors no matter what. But also, what PP said.

[Anonymous]

Op, move on. It’s obvious You’ve never been really into him.

[Anonymous]

Move on from him. If you have these issues a year in, including waning passion, it’s not going to get and stay better.

[Anonymous]

So if he asks again, say, "I really don't want to make you feel bad but you keep asking so,.... Your belly has gotten a little bigger and it makes the sex less pleasurable for me. I'm not talking about how it looks (even though you are). I'm talking about my physical pleasure. Tell him his pelvic bone would put pressure on your clit and now it doesn't. He won't know but if sex is his motivation, it should help you get what you want. Tell him: I'm also worried about you because you know you have high cholesterol and your doctor told you to keep the weight off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman:
My husband got fat and I don't want to have sex with him.

Women:
Tell him he's fat! Or maybe leave!

Man:
My wife got fat and I don't want to have sex with her.

Women:
What are YOU doing to help HER? Are you cooking healthy foods? Are you encouraging her to exercise? And by the way, all bodies are beautiful and there is no excuse for not wanting to have sex just because she's fat. Also, you're probably the reason she's fat.

Woman on DCUM: my husband may be having an affair.

Men on DCUM: did you get fat?

+1 lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if he asks again, say, "I really don't want to make you feel bad but you keep asking so,.... Your belly has gotten a little bigger and it makes the sex less pleasurable for me. I'm not talking about how it looks (even though you are). I'm talking about my physical pleasure. Tell him his pelvic bone would put pressure on your clit and now it doesn't. He won't know but if sex is his motivation, it should help you get what you want. Tell him: I'm also worried about you because you know you have high cholesterol and your doctor told you to keep the weight off.

Don't say that. The "I'm worried about your health" is basically concern trolling that skinny people do to people who are heavy. You're allowed to monitor people's bodies as much as you want so long as you say it's about health.

[Anonymous]

How much weight has he gained?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much weight has he gained?

Op here. I’m not sure. He actually lost some during the course of our dating. So it was weird because you know how usually you’re most attracted to a person in the beginning? I was actually most attracted around the six to eight month mark, because he was great then. Still technically a bit overweight, but it didn’t get in the way sex wise. Health wise, he probably needed to lose another ten pounds at that point. But instead he started gaining weight again. I just want him to be the weight he was a couple months ago.

If you saw him walking down the street, you wouldn’t say - that guy is obese. You’d say - he has a dad bod. A bit of a gut. But it’s enough that it’s making sex awkward in many positions whereas before it was great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman:
My husband got fat and I don't want to have sex with him.

Women:
Tell him he's fat! Or maybe leave!

Man:
My wife got fat and I don't want to have sex with her.

Women:
What are YOU doing to help HER? Are you cooking healthy foods? Are you encouraging her to exercise? And by the way, all bodies are beautiful and there is no excuse for not wanting to have sex just because she's fat. Also, you're probably the reason she's fat.

Your blatant disregard of the hypocritical beauty standards for the sexes makes you sound really ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman:
My husband got fat and I don't want to have sex with him.

Women:
Tell him he's fat! Or maybe leave!

Man:
My wife got fat and I don't want to have sex with her.

Women:
What are YOU doing to help HER? Are you cooking healthy foods? Are you encouraging her to exercise? And by the way, all bodies are beautiful and there is no excuse for not wanting to have sex just because she's fat. Also, you're probably the reason she's fat.

To be fair most want her to break up because he deserves better than OP.

[Anonymous]

You are wasting your time and his. You are not attracted to not only his weight but his habits, ‘if only he wouldn’t stuff his face’. If a person shows you who they are you need to see it, nothing will change and you will both be miserable. When you can’t stand a persons’ touch - it’s Over.

[Anonymous]

I think you can tell him that - that the true answer for why I am less interested in sex is his weight gain. Or you could tell him you don't find him attractive anymore and you should break up. Either way I think you'll break up and it's no big deal really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman:
My husband got fat and I don't want to have sex with him.

Women:
Tell him he's fat! Or maybe leave!

Man:
My wife got fat and I don't want to have sex with her.

Women:
What are YOU doing to help HER? Are you cooking healthy foods? Are you encouraging her to exercise? And by the way, all bodies are beautiful and there is no excuse for not wanting to have sex just because she's fat. Also, you're probably the reason she's fat.

Your blatant disregard of the hypocritical beauty standards for the sexes makes you sound really ignorant.

NP. There are no hypocritical beauty standards. Men select the women they want. Women select the men they want. Ultimately, it's mutual because my preferences only exist because women selected my ancestors so they could spread their seed and produce me.

Funny how you never hear feminists get their panties in a bunch when some woman decides to date the investment banker instead of the super sweet fourth grade social studies teacher.

Life is not a rose garden, get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Let him know the weight is leading to less passion and desire for sex.

Give him a number, a target weight, and hold out the promise of something special if he reaches and maintains it.

Chances are he'll be motivated to hit it.

+100

Completely agree, he needs to know as it will only get worse if you don't hold him accountable now. Perhaps you could use various bedroom activities to incentivize him to shape up?

You don't understand how weight actually works. He will be able to take the weight off - then will gain it again.

https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/

I just don't see how a relationship is successful longterm if it's premised on one partner starving themselves a lot of the time.

Op here. He doesn't need to starve himself. He just needs to cut down on his alcohol intake and stop putting stuff in his mouth when he isn't even hungry.

Maybe I need to just break up with him. He is a grown up. His weight control is his responsibility, not mine, and if he doesn't handle his health in a way that I agree with, maybe the answer is to move on.

Is he drinking more than 2 drinks a day? If a man is drinking more than 2 drinks per day, every day, that would be classified as an alcohol problem. It can
be very difficult for those with alcohol problems to stop drinking. For a woman the same would hold true for more than 1 drink a day, every day as we are lighter weight.
If he is drinking 3-20 drinks per day, every day, that would be an alcohol problem. It would be very difficult for those with alcohol problems to change unless they want to.