Marriage advice to sister- delaying wedding

[Anonymous]

They plan to get married in less than a year. She is 22, just graduated college, never worked but just landed a decent full time job and got her own apt. He is mid 20s, lives in a relative's house rent free, not yet graduated. He has inconsistent odd part time jobs and gets hand me downs from relatives (old beater cars and such). He also has severe ADHD which he doesn't treat (he told me so, but it is also obvious).

He is nice enough, but I think he will be a not be a good long term mate for several reasons. But it is her first serious relationship and the "love of her life."

Neither have a clue what is it be an independent adult with responsibilities yet. She jokes about him being directionless and waives it off saying he can just be a SAHD. Which is fine and great, but she has an entry level position. She thinks things such as he hadn't seen a dentist in 6 years is funny and cute (and not for lack of insurance, just a meh, I didn't feel like it) because she is "taking care of him." He also tends to make odd large impulsive purchases- which she thinks is cute and quirky.

I would like to tell her to consider moving the wedding back some. Wait for him to graduate, figure out what he is going to do for work, live together a while, see how he manages money, basically, be sure he can be an adult that is capable of at least supporting himself and making sound decisions before she marries him and gets pregnant.

The reason I would bring up anything at all is because neither of them have good parental guidance. In fact, I think his family is somewhat relived he will be someone else's problem soon. Say something or MYOB

[Anonymous]

How exactly can two people without jobs afford a wedding?

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything, it never goes well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They plan to get married in less than a year. She is 22, just graduated college, never worked but just landed a decent full time job and got her own apt. He is mid 20s, lives in a relative's house rent free, not yet graduated. He has inconsistent odd part time jobs and gets hand me downs from relatives (old beater cars and such). He also has severe ADHD which he doesn't treat (he told me so, but it is also obvious).

He is nice enough, but I think he will be a not be a good long term mate for several reasons. But it is her first serious relationship and the "love of her life."

Neither have a clue what is it be an independent adult with responsibilities yet. She jokes about him being directionless and waives it off saying he can just be a SAHD. Which is fine and great, but she has an entry level position. She thinks things such as he hadn't seen a dentist in 6 years is funny and cute (and not for lack of insurance, just a meh, I didn't feel like it) because she is "taking care of him." He also tends to make odd large impulsive purchases- which she thinks is cute and quirky.

I would like to tell her to consider moving the wedding back some. Wait for him to graduate, figure out what he is going to do for work, live together a while, see how he manages money, basically, be sure he can be an adult that is capable of at least supporting himself and making sound decisions before she marries him and gets pregnant.

The reason I would bring up anything at all is because neither of them have good parental guidance. In fact, I think his family is somewhat relived he will be someone else's problem soon. Say something or MYOB

Can you encourage her to push the wedding back so both of them can get settled in their lives and see where they end up? I'm concerned that if you indicate there's something wrong with him, that she will push back on it. Extra time might give her more perspective. OTOH, maybe it's better that you should be up front with her about your concerns. Just be prepared for her to not listen to you.

[Anonymous]

MYOB. My mother's advice to me was always, "never tell me negative things about your spouse because I will hate him forever after you've made up and gotten over it"

Your situation is a little different, but the message is the same. Family members shouldn't talk badly about a family member's spouse / fiance. Because it will be forever awkward at holiday parties and family celebrations for her to know that you think he's a flake.

The advice (if it comes at all) should come from a close friend, not meddling family.

[Anonymous]

I had the same question -- who is paying for the wedding?

Is there any sort of pre-marital counseling going on? Maybe suggest that in the context of it having been helpful for you.

Is there anyone she is close to who married young and had a rough start? Maybe they're in a better position to talk to her about some of these issues.

But yeah, I'd find a way to say something out of love and concern. Not "don't marry him" but more -- "let yourselves grow up and change like everyone does in their early 20s, then get married"

[Anonymous]

They are both adults in the legal sense, so there is absolutely nothing you can do about their decision to marry.

In fact, they can go do a courthouse marriage at any time and not tell anyone about it.

She may be making the biggest mistake of her life but it is her life and her mistake to make. If she ASKS YOU what you think, by all means tell her (nicely) what your thoughts are.

If you insert yourself without asking all you will do is anger her and drive her more in his direction.

[Anonymous]

Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

[Anonymous]

You can say something, as a big sister, but then you have to give her your full support once she declines to take your advice. Say your piece, once, then let it go. If it's a mistake, it's her mistake and it's a mistake from which many people recover.

[Anonymous]

Is there a way you can be supportive of their relationship and possible marriage by giving her resources? Are they religious - if pre-cana counseling is an option you could help her look into that. THere are also tons of books and workshops and questionairres that help couples explore critical questions before marriage.

My husband and I did some of those and they were very helpful. We were old and "experienced" in relationships when we met, so those conversations were ones we knew we needed and wanted to have. But for a 22 year old even just starting a conversation about money or religion or housework expectations can be enlightening.

You could be the person that says "Hey, I am so happy for you that you've found someone you might see a future with. I wanted to give you a book that was so helpful to me and Jack (or whatever phrase works). Congratulations!"

And then leave it at that. Don't nag or nudge. You can only do so much and if you seem critical it will probably fail and possibly backfire as other posters have noted.

[Anonymous]

Ack, hit the wrong button and wasn't done.

TO sum up - don't criticize, offer supportive resources. Then trust that youth, smarts, experience and time will be more effective (hopefully) than you could ever be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

Did someone try to say something to you to stop the wedding? It sounds like there weren’t signs before you got married.

[Anonymous]

OP here- they haven't figured out the wedding budget or really any details beyond a date, including who is paying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

Did someone try to say something to you to stop the wedding? It sounds like there weren’t signs before you got married.

Everyone was very impressed by his multiple degrees and promising career at the time, which did not materialize. My parents were on the fence, but more because no one would have been good enough than anything specific. It all went downhill after that...

[Anonymous]

Can you expose your sister to the reality of the world without being preachy? What nice things cost? Struggles of being an adult?

.... it was great that mom and dad made me pay for my car and insurance. I did not realize how much things cost until I needed to do it myself.
.... wow - my paycheck was so much smaller than I expected after insurance and putting some money away for retirement. I am glad I had the years of living on my own before taking on the responsibility of others so that I could figure out what was really important to me.....