Marriage advice to sister- delaying wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

I have a close friend in this exact situation. It seems overwhelming. I feel like all those adult responsibilities can be overwhelming even without something like ADHD in the mix, so I don’t quite know how this all works. They get assistance from the government because he has not been employed for years. But you know, the fact that she is even this far along in the situation means she has very different life priorities than you. That is OK. She has the right to figure this out for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that she just got a job and, more importantly, her own apt. is a good thing. As long as people aren’t subsidizing her as well, she will very quickly learn about all the “little” things that eat up her paycheck. He will likely shift a lot of his time to her apt, and once she’s the one buying all the food and paying for takeout or going out, she should realize on her own that he needs to step up, or that she’s fine with supporting him.

If you do anything at all, I would suggest focusing on HER financial education as a young person starting out in life, and not focusing at all on him. Things like contributing to retirement accounts early for compounding, rent insurance, having an emergency fund, etc. - things that may not have occurred to her, or if they have, she doesn’t realize how those things add up. If she’s smart, she’ll listen to that and come to her own conclusions on the rest.

I agree. Can you find an excuse to gift her a financial planner session to talk with her about the overview? Better yet get a friend who is a planner and explain the situation in advance so they can cover all the territory. Or tell her you scheduled both of you a joint session. Getting the facts from a professional will be much more impactful than boring lecture from a family member.

[Anonymous]

If you do anything at all, I would suggest focusing on HER financial education as a young person starting out in life, and not focusing at all on him. Things like contributing to retirement accounts early for compounding, rent insurance, having an emergency fund, etc. - things that may not have occurred to her, or if they have, she doesn’t realize how those things add up. If she’s smart, she’ll listen to that and come to her own conclusions on the rest.

I second or third this.

I also think that comments at that time when she says something stupid like it's cute that he hasn't gone to the dentist for six years might be in order.

Your sister sounds like she has her own set of issues if she thinks stuff like that is "cute" and she's looking forward to taking care of him. She'll soon be taking care of absolutely everything.

If they haven't set a date and haven't started looking for $ then I'd back off on anything direct right now. I wouldn't give her $ and I'd let her know that you support her if she ever thinks that this wedding isn't the best idea.

And if she goes through with it, I'd be incredibly encouraging when she's fed up at 26 and wants a divorce. Hopefully she'll wait on having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to mind your own business. She might end up marrying him and you will be on her black list forever. It is best never to badmouth your sibling's partner, never, ever. Let the chips fall as they will. For all you know, they might slip up tomorrow or be happily married till death. He might get a job or be the best SAHD, she might get pregnant tomorrow. Honestly OP, marrying at 22 is not out of the norm, supports your sister and you will avoid her blaming you for good, bad or no marriage. It sounds like you are taking her relationship more serious than she is. You sound high strung and controlling.

+1

Don’t do it OP. Never ever ever turns out well, and could impact your relationship with your sister for a very long time. And her husband. And any kids they have.

But it will also impact our relationship when they get married, have kids, and realize they can't afford one of them to stay home and want me to watch their kids. I am not willing to do that

Plus 1000 to the first poster. It is their decision. You are future tripping about her kids.

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason she was not working jobs in high school?
Is there a reason she did not work jobs during college summer
breaks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that she just got a job and, more importantly, her own apt. is a good thing. As long as people aren’t subsidizing her as well, she will very quickly learn about all the “little” things that eat up her paycheck. He will likely shift a lot of his time to her apt, and once she’s the one buying all the food and paying for takeout or going out, she should realize on her own that he needs to step up, or that she’s fine with supporting him.

If you do anything at all, I would suggest focusing on HER financial education as a young person starting out in life, and not focusing at all on him. Things like contributing to retirement accounts early for compounding, rent insurance, having an emergency fund, etc. - things that may not have occurred to her, or if they have, she doesn’t realize how those things add up. If she’s smart, she’ll listen to that and come to her own conclusions on the rest.

You could gift her and her fiancé a course of Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. It would teach them some financial basics that I’m sure they’re missing, and might be eye-opening for them about adult responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason she was not working jobs in high school?
Is there a reason she did not work jobs during college summer
breaks?

how is this relevant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- they haven't figured out the wedding budget or really any details beyond a date, including who is paying

They might flake out on it on their own, if this is the case. Especially once she (and it will only be her, he won't help) starts pricing out venues, catering, etc. and finds out what things cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ack, hit the wrong button and wasn't done.

TO sum up - don't criticize, offer supportive resources. Then trust that youth, smarts, experience and time will be more effective (hopefully) than you could ever be.

+1. Encourage pre-marital counseling and for them to save up a nice nest egg. Also, encourage them to live together for 8 months to a year. It will be the thing to give her a very honest look at how forever with this person will look.