Marriage advice to sister- delaying wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can say something, as a big sister, but then you have to give her your full support once she declines to take your advice. Say your piece, once, then let it go. If it's a mistake, it's her mistake and it's a mistake from which many people recover.

Agree with this. If she goes ahead and gets a divorce by 25 she will be amongst many peers. Plenty of mulligan marriages at this age. She just need to lock down the birth control and not have kids. THAT is what will tie her to this guy forever. 90 percent of the people I know who married around that age were divorced by 25. No kids and few assets? Not that much different than any other longer term relationship that dissolves, other people just didn't make it official.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can say something, as a big sister, but then you have to give her your full support once she declines to take your advice. Say your piece, once, then let it go. If it's a mistake, it's her mistake and it's a mistake from which many people recover.

Agree with this. If she goes ahead and gets a divorce by 25 she will be amongst many peers. Plenty of mulligan marriages at this age. She just need to lock down the birth control and not have kids. THAT is what will tie her to this guy forever. 90 percent of the people I know who married around that age were divorced by 25. No kids and few assets? Not that much different than any other longer term relationship that dissolves, other people just didn't make it official.

+1. Also don’t think you need to say anything about him OP. Just phrase it as take some time, enjoy each other, start settling into jobs etc. No need to burn stages of life by rushing things. Now, if she is already engaged it’s unlikely she cancels wedding but hopefully this gives her pause about starting a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

This is spot on. OP, you need to decide whether it's better to risk harming your relationship with your sister by saying something vs. not saying something. There's a risk either way and only you know your relationship with her.

My husband and I both have ADHD, but my husband frequently refuses to get on board with the systems I try to put in place so our lives with our three children (2 with SN including ADHD) can function. We both have decent jobs though so that enables us to spend money on a weekly cleaning service and other supports. But without very consistent processes (key to helping ADHD kids function), the whole family falls apart. Parenting kids with ADHD, a hereditary disease, is a serious part-time job to learn about it at each phase, determine supports by trial and error, and advocate for your kids. I can only imagine the seething resentment your sister will one day feel if they have kids and now she's stretched between being the bread winner, doing the bulk of parenting for kids (who might have ADHD), and also caring for her husband who refuses to grow up.

This guy sounds like a bad bet. If he can't hold down a regular job, then he won't be a good stay at home parent. It takes discipline and multi-tasking to do it right if you don't also have lots of extra cash for nannies, house cleaners, etc. How would she feel if she comes home from work where she's already stressed because she's the only earner, and the house is a mess, the kids weren't fed nutritious meals, dinner isn't made, and homework isn't done? So now she has another part-time job when she gets home while her husband's only accomplishment was taking the kids to the park and oh he bought some expensive gadget for himself so now they can't afford gymnastics and snow boots for the kids.

The biggest issue I see with her fiance is his refusal to get help. BTW ADHD can sometimes be only part of the diagnosis, and it sounds like maybe something else is going on here with the impulse purchases and others supporting his living expenses. It's likely no accident that he dates a younger co-ed rather than a mature woman who would see right through him.

If it was me, I would want someone to say something once FWIW. Good luck and I'm so sorry for this situation.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your Mom and get on the same page as her. "Money is too tight right now for a wedding." Maybe she can save it up in another 2-3 years...that said she could still elope so there really isn't much you can do.

As others said, you can say your peace with family exactly once or less than once then you must drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything, it never goes well.

100 X this. There is no good outcome here, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. My mother's advice to me was always, "never tell me negative things about your spouse because I will hate him forever after you've made up and gotten over it"

Your situation is a little different, but the message is the same. Family members shouldn't talk badly about a family member's spouse / fiance. Because it will be forever awkward at holiday parties and family celebrations for her to know that you think he's a flake.

The advice (if it comes at all) should come from a close friend, not meddling family.

Are you my long lost sibling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

This is spot on. OP, you need to decide whether it's better to risk harming your relationship with your sister by saying something vs. not saying something. There's a risk either way and only you know your relationship with her.

My husband and I both have ADHD, but my husband frequently refuses to get on board with the systems I try to put in place so our lives with our three children (2 with SN including ADHD) can function. We both have decent jobs though so that enables us to spend money on a weekly cleaning service and other supports. But without very consistent processes (key to helping ADHD kids function), the whole family falls apart. Parenting kids with ADHD, a hereditary disease, is a serious part-time job to learn about it at each phase, determine supports by trial and error, and advocate for your kids. I can only imagine the seething resentment your sister will one day feel if they have kids and now she's stretched between being the bread winner, doing the bulk of parenting for kids (who might have ADHD), and also caring for her husband who refuses to grow up.

This guy sounds like a bad bet. If he can't hold down a regular job, then he won't be a good stay at home parent. It takes discipline and multi-tasking to do it right if you don't also have lots of extra cash for nannies, house cleaners, etc. How would she feel if she comes home from work where she's already stressed because she's the only earner, and the house is a mess, the kids weren't fed nutritious meals, dinner isn't made, and homework isn't done? So now she has another part-time job when she gets home while her husband's only accomplishment was taking the kids to the park and oh he bought some expensive gadget for himself so now they can't afford gymnastics and snow boots for the kids.

The biggest issue I see with her fiance is his refusal to get help. BTW ADHD can sometimes be only part of the diagnosis, and it sounds like maybe something else is going on here with the impulse purchases and others supporting his living expenses. It's likely no accident that he dates a younger co-ed rather than a mature woman who would see right through him.

If it was me, I would want someone to say something once FWIW. Good luck and I'm so sorry for this situation.

You put into words all of my thought better than I could. And yes I do think there may be something else going on with him other than ADHD. I am going to do my best to be supportive but nudge her to delay having children several yrs- and either he will mature into a good husband by that time or she will realize herself she made a mistake and have a less complicated easier out.

[Anonymous]

You say nothing. They will hit these bumps on their own. Clearly, they already have no plan for th wedding, so this is t happening tomorrow.

Don’t help with any of it. The more support they get the less they have to learn growing up lessons. Give love and guidance (when asked) only and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't consider trying to nudge her toward waiting until her fiancé is graduated and producing and income selfish and ruining her life. It is smart planning.

So you've already decided, you're going to say something. Don't pretend you're looking for advice.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her that they should live together for a while before getting married.
If he is really "the love of her life" now, he still will be in five years.
Tell her that no one should get married before 25 at least because so much happens in those early 20s years.
She may decide to go back to school, move to another state or country, or any number of life changing scenarios. She needs to work on herself while she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

This is spot on. OP, you need to decide whether it's better to risk harming your relationship with your sister by saying something vs. not saying something. There's a risk either way and only you know your relationship with her.

My husband and I both have ADHD, but my husband frequently refuses to get on board with the systems I try to put in place so our lives with our three children (2 with SN including ADHD) can function. We both have decent jobs though so that enables us to spend money on a weekly cleaning service and other supports. But without very consistent processes (key to helping ADHD kids function), the whole family falls apart. Parenting kids with ADHD, a hereditary disease, is a serious part-time job to learn about it at each phase, determine supports by trial and error, and advocate for your kids. I can only imagine the seething resentment your sister will one day feel if they have kids and now she's stretched between being the bread winner, doing the bulk of parenting for kids (who might have ADHD), and also caring for her husband who refuses to grow up.

This guy sounds like a bad bet. If he can't hold down a regular job, then he won't be a good stay at home parent. It takes discipline and multi-tasking to do it right if you don't also have lots of extra cash for nannies, house cleaners, etc. How would she feel if she comes home from work where she's already stressed because she's the only earner, and the house is a mess, the kids weren't fed nutritious meals, dinner isn't made, and homework isn't done? So now she has another part-time job when she gets home while her husband's only accomplishment was taking the kids to the park and oh he bought some expensive gadget for himself so now they can't afford gymnastics and snow boots for the kids.

The biggest issue I see with her fiance is his refusal to get help. BTW ADHD can sometimes be only part of the diagnosis, and it sounds like maybe something else is going on here with the impulse purchases and others supporting his living expenses. It's likely no accident that he dates a younger co-ed rather than a mature woman who would see right through him.

If it was me, I would want someone to say something once FWIW. Good luck and I'm so sorry for this situation.

You put into words all of my thought better than I could. And yes I do think there may be something else going on with him other than ADHD. I am going to do my best to be supportive but nudge her to delay having children several yrs- and either he will mature into a good husband by that time or she will realize herself she made a mistake and have a less complicated easier out.

PP here. I'm glad I could help. I agree that not having kids is the bigger issue. Not a huge deal if they up divorced without kids. Take care and fingers crossed everything works out.

[Anonymous]

My ILs felt that they had a right to ask DH and me to postpone our wedding. They insisted on it and didn't come to the wedding when we went ahead with it anyway. We were young, too. 25 years later, we're the only one of his siblings still married.

Just let your sister figure out the logistics of the wedding. My guess is that they won't be able to pull it together without significant help. Should be a big wake up call to sis. If it's not, keep your mouth shut and support your sister. Who knows how things may work out?

[Anonymous]

Your sister isn’t 12. She knows all the things you are worried about. She isn’t concerned/doesn’t care, and nothing you say will inspire a change of heart, just create resentment.

I’d just sit back and offer advice if she asks for it, but if she doesn’t then let it be. Plenty of people get married young with less than ideal circumstances and make it work.

I would gift a “premarital counseling” session (or a set of them) so that they talk out their differences and have a plan for certain inevitable challenges that we all face (money, family meddling, kids, time together, etc). No matter what happens with the relationship it will improve your sister’s ability to analyze what she wants out of her life.

[Anonymous]

The fact that she just got a job and, more importantly, her own apt. is a good thing. As long as people aren’t subsidizing her as well, she will very quickly learn about all the “little” things that eat up her paycheck. He will likely shift a lot of his time to her apt, and once she’s the one buying all the food and paying for takeout or going out, she should realize on her own that he needs to step up, or that she’s fine with supporting him.

If you do anything at all, I would suggest focusing on HER financial education as a young person starting out in life, and not focusing at all on him. Things like contributing to retirement accounts early for compounding, rent insurance, having an emergency fund, etc. - things that may not have occurred to her, or if they have, she doesn’t realize how those things add up. If she’s smart, she’ll listen to that and come to her own conclusions on the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her that they should live together for a while before getting married.
If he is really "the love of her life" now, he still will be in five years.
Tell her that no one should get married before 25 at least because so much happens in those early 20s years.
She may decide to go back to school, move to another state or country, or any number of life changing scenarios. She needs to work on herself while she can.

No, no, no. They should not live together. She will wind up supporting herself and him and may have a difficult time getting him out.