Estranged Mother and Brother Trying to Reconnect

[Anonymous]

DCUM, I am at crossroads. 10 years ago my then 3-year old got an autism diagnosis. We went through all the motions from full neuropsych to securing placement in ChildFind preschools. It was quite a journey, I had to quit my job at the time and for 2 years I was on top of all of his appointments. He is now 13 and thriving.

When we first revealed his diagnosis to my mother and my brother's family, they were very aghast, then they tried to put all the blame on DH and I, that we were bad parents and what's worse, it was DH's "bad genes" that DS inherited. Yes, very "supportive" family. What's worse, at some point, my brother and SIL said that they were uncomfortable whenever they saw my DS and did not want him to play with his cousins because he was just too different. My mother thought it would be best if DS was isolated because of his differences. She even suggested institutionalizing him. That's when I saw red. I cut them off completely. No communication whatsoever. No holidays together, no postcards, no e-mails nothing. I still communicate with my aunts but they always made sure that whenever we visited them, my mother and brother's family were not around.

Fast forward 10 years. My aunt reaches out to me and says my mother and brother want to make amends. That they realized the "error of their ways". That she is not getting any older and wants to reconnect with her grandson.

I do not trust that family. At all.When things were hard, they never once reached out. Now that they heard my DS is doing so good, they want to reconnect. All of a sudden he's now worthy of their attention. In my book, it doesn't work that way.

How can I keep them away? Should I get a restraining order? FWIW, DH's family has been most supportive and his siblings always made an effort to include DS. He has a nice relationship with his cousins on that side of the family.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry your family treated you and your son this way. Inexcusable and I would also be very wary about subjecting my ds to them for fear of him getting hurt.

Curious, what ethnicity is your family? First generation American?

[Anonymous]

I would be very wary, OP. I feel like the second they see the smallest hint of non-neurotypical behavior in your son, they will go right back to treating all of you badly. I would protect my child from these people at all costs.

[Anonymous]

If you are not interested in reconnecting, it should be enough to pass that message to them through your aunt.

If you want to hear them out, I would meet with the in a neutral, public place (like a park or coffee shop) without your kids. I wouldn’t let them near your kids until you know for sure they are truly repentant and have a plan for going forward.

I’m sorry your family failed you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry your family treated you and your son this way. Inexcusable and I would also be very wary about subjecting my ds to them for fear of him getting hurt.

Curious, what ethnicity is your family? First generation American?

OP: Indeed they are. I was born here though.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. My DH has a serious issue with his family and cut most of them off for a long while. I won’t go into the reason but a similar level of issue and he had good reason.

A few years ago, he did reconnect. They aren’t close and he still keeps them well at arms length but I think is happier/more at peace this way? It helps that we live across the country..we see them once/yr or so for a long weekend and always stay at a hotel and limit time to some degree (we don’t spend all day with them). He talks to them on the phone once every 2-3 months I think, and they are friends on FB so they see some pics of the kids (though he doesn’t post all that much). We don’t allow them to be with our kids (older elementary/middle school aged) alone.

So far it seems to be working ok? And DH seems happier with this arrangement than before. ILs are behaving better because I think they know he is serious and will absolutely cut them out again if they step out of line to that degree again.

But do what works for you- every situation is different. It would really depend on how repentant they are. After what happened I would never truly trust them again, and wouldn’t allow them alone with or to influence your children. But it is sometimes possible to maintain a more limited relationship.

[Anonymous]

If they have realized the error of their says then why is the aunt the go-between? Personally, I wouldn't because you will only get a qualified apology. "We realize that we were mistaken BUT....,". I would leave it as is. If they are truly sorry then they can instigate a meeting and an unqualified apology.

[Anonymous]

OMG. My jaw is on the floor after reading that.

It doesn't sound like you're interested in reconnecting (and I agree that you should not). I don't think you need (or would even get) a restraining order at this point. It sounds like they just passed one message through your aunt. I'd tell your aunt to tell them you're not interested. If it would make you feel better, you could write them a letter that your aunt could pass on, and ask them not to contact you again. If they start harassing you after that, then you could consider a restraining order.

I'm so sorry that you're family let you down in such a monumental way.

[Anonymous]

*your* family

[Anonymous]

You cannot get and do not need a restraining order. It is fine to welcome them back. You may want to consider that people are capable of learning and growing, but you have no obligation so do what you think is best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You cannot get and do not need a restraining order. It is fine to welcome them back. You may want to consider that people are capable of learning and growing, but you have no obligation so do what you think is best.

Meant to say it’s fine NOT to welcome them back.

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a therapist or someone in your husband's family/a friend you could talk to?

You are under no obligation and what they did was terrible. That said, I'd think it through more for the long-term. If this is the only chance will you be ok with that in 15 or 20 years.

Does your son have any curiosity about his other grandparents, etc.

I can't say whether you should or shouldn't get in contact, but I would think it through carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a therapist or someone in your husband's family/a friend you could talk to?

You are under no obligation and what they did was terrible. That said, I'd think it through more for the long-term. If this is the only chance will you be ok with that in 15 or 20 years.

Does your son have any curiosity about his other grandparents, etc.

I can't say whether you should or shouldn't get in contact, but I would think it through carefully.

DS has absolutely no curiosity to meet that side of the family. He is fully embraced by DH's relatives. I haven't talked to them in 10 years and frankly, I don't miss them either. The first 2 years of non-talking really stung and then it just went away.

I have a suspicion they want something from us. DS is our only child. My brother has 4 children and his wife doesn't work. They are not exactly well-off.

[Anonymous]

I would give them ONE chance and just meet with them without DC. Sometimes people change and you have not seen or talked to them for a long time.