Destination Event Unpleasantness
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Anonymous
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My brothers family is having a destination event, Bar Mitzvah, next around in Israel. There are about a dozen reasons I really don’t want to attend - ranging from I hate to fly, it’s thousands of dollars, it’s a week of my vacation time, I’m introverted and anxious and the event is planned from morning to night with tours and my mother wants to share a hotel room. Considering we all actually live in the same city, I was pretty shocked at how negatively it was received when I said I would likely not attend. This conversation, about not attending, was had at lunch with my mother and sister-in-law. After strenuously attempting to convince that I really did want to go, my sister-in-law finally told me that my relationship with my brother, no matter what he said, would be damaged forever if I did not attend. My mother was almost in tears, as, I’m the only relative on my brothers side of the family she thought would come, while my sister in law will likely have a dozen or more family members attending.
These two things are the only reason why I’m going. It was a really unpleasant conversation, but, I decided once I made the call to attend, I would not complain about it to anyone other than my husband. However, my mother and sister in law keep bringing up how amazing the trip is going to be, and how much they are looking forward to it. It’s bizarre. They know how I feel, I’m only attending due to emotional blackmail, and yet they keep wanting me to get excited about the event. These aren’t group conversations I happen to be a part of, they are one on one conversations. I’m happy to put on a good face and be pleasant at the event itself. I’m fine discussing logisitics and how excited I am for the nephew. But I feel like I keep getting put on the spot to express how much I’m personally looking forward to this. Aside from just changing the subject, I’m really wondering how to handle. |
Anonymous
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How you handle it is that you do not give in to blackmail. PERIOD.
Life is long and if your brother cannot understand that there are seasons wherein your financial/emotional/professional circumstances may make it difficult for you to attend an event then I would not feel bad about not showing up for this command performance. What an ass. You can love and celebrate people without being able to make it every dang time they send out the evite. What jerks. |
Anonymous
OP here. That ship has sailed. My father did pass away two years ago, so it’s more the mom part of the blackmail than the brother part. But, yeah, I’m partial regretting. |
Anonymous
+1. Cave once and they will do this for the rest of eternity. Your brother and SIL need to understand that 'destination' events are a huge imposition and there will be lots of people declining the invite. |
Anonymous
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Yes, you caved and it's probably too late to change that. But you can save yourself from the rest by being direct. It's good practice for the next time.
"Mom - you know that I am only going because I was pressured into it. I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not excited about the logistics, and my feelings aren't going to improve with your repeated insistence on telling me how great it's going to be. I do not want to talk about it. Please drop it and stop bringing it up." You need to respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself. It is ok to expect that your feelings are respected. Period. |
Anonymous
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Someone: [Puts you on the spot about a particular aspect of the trip]
You: It's a huge milestone for [nephew] Someone: Sure, but aren't you excited about X? You: I'm going to Israel because it's [nephew's] bar mitzvah. Someone: But don't you think it's going to be a great trip? You: Why are you pushing this? What do you want me to say? |
Anonymous
While ideally OP could do this and it would end the "Isn't it going to be just great!" chatter, the reality likely is that a firm "I'm not looking forward to it, I'm not excited" is only going to spur mom and SIL to double down and press OP even harder to enjoy all this. Or it will go in a worse direction and make OP the big, bad villain when SIL tells OP's brother that OP said "I was pressured and am not looking forward to it," and brother melts down and huffily withdraws the invitation or whatever. Again, frankness would be adult and ideal, but the mom and SIl are not being very adult about it, and OP has said that the ship has sailed on backing out, so it's time simply to focus on reducing drama and pushing through this trip. OP, change the topic Every. Single. Time. Be brief, be bland and then redirect. "Bar mitzvahs are such special occasions, yes. --Have you heard that cousin Sally is going to start a new job?...." Etc. Are you traveling WITH them or maybe at least with mom all the way from the US to Israel? If so, bring a lot to do. Books, books on your tablet or phone, podcasts, a journal to write, cards to write, games on your devices, whatever. Be busy with something you can turn to: "Yeah, mom, it's still ten hours until we land, so I'm going to listen to music and shut my eyes so I'm well rested. You get some rest too." Repeat as needed. It may help you keep your sanity. Same on buses headed for tour sites or whatever. Don't be afraid to scope out a place in the hotel where you can slip away and check out for a while if the event goes on and on and on. If mom and SIL are still trying to get you to act bubbly and super happy to be there-- brief, bland, new subject. "I agree, the food's really good, especially the (whatever). Oh, there's aunt So and So, I'll just go over and say hi" (as you say hi on the way to saying hi to "someone else" who actually is the hotel lobby corner where you can decompress). I get it. I have relatives who have done the same to me. "Isn't this wedding going to be amazing?! I bet you can't wait! I can't wait! Are't you excited?!" etc. Just find one positive thing to acknowledge and then change topics or disengage a bit with something to do on the side. |
Anonymous
| OP, NEXT TIME (since boundaries are obviously a problem for you) : Decide, RSVP, then discuss with others (including Mom) |
Anonymous
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Just suck it up and stop acting like a martyr. The trip isn't about you so stop sounding like Debby Downer. If you can't do that, then say "no" but people will think less of you for opting out of a big family event.
Plan some time away from the group to recharge. |
Anonymous
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I would not share the room with your mother so you can have some down time. If they want you to compromise and come then they can compromise as well.
There is no point in going and acting all sulky. Either go and enjoy the holiday or stay home because if you sulk your way through this your brother will also never forgive you. |
Anonymous
| Is your family going to be angry or hold it against you if you don't react in a way they think is appropriate while on the trip? If so don't go. I have a family that likes to micromanage feelings and learned that I needed to do what is best for me because they are going to be disappointed with me anyway. No need for everyone to be miserable. |
Anonymous
| Get your own hotel room for the trip. |
Anonymous
| “I’m happy for Nephew but everything about this trip makes me anxious. I’m sorry I can’t muster more enthusiasm but travel like this is not what I was expecting and it’s very stressful on a number of levels for me and my family. I’d prefer not to talk about it and ruin everyone’s else's experience” |
Anonymous
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I think in your shoes, since I was spending so much time and money on it, I would make the effort to get into a positive frame of mind about it. I would actually go into it planning to enjoy it.
Put the bullying behind you and move forward with grace. |
Anonymous
| Bose noise canceling headphones seem like a necessary purchase |