Destination Event Unpleasantness

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the replies. Grace is the perfect word. I have committed, now that I am going, to enjoying what I can and not being outwardly negative about the rest. Truly this was inspired by the fact that it blows my mind that, one on one, the same people that honestly know how I feel about this want to keep engaging about it. I’m sure, at some level, they have convinced themselves that I’ve come around on the subject. But, it still boggles my mind to some degree.

[Anonymous]

No, they choose to have it in another country and at a great cost to others. I would not attend.

[Anonymous]

The emotional blackmail would have been enough to make me dig my heels in and not go. I hate being pressured and it tends to have the opposite effect on me. Is there any way to get out of it? Say you can’t get time off or something? Or just never book it and then be sick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. Grace is the perfect word. I have committed, now that I am going, to enjoying what I can and not being outwardly negative about the rest. Truly this was inspired by the fact that it blows my mind that, one on one, the same people that honestly know how I feel about this want to keep engaging about it. I’m sure, at some level, they have convinced themselves that I’ve come around on the subject. But, it still boggles my mind to some degree.

You need to make sure you book your own hotel room for the trip.

Also, if they bring it up you need to say some variation of “I’m happy to be supporting nephew! A bar mitzva is a really important event!” and keep changing the subject.

[Anonymous]

I mean how did you not roll your eyes at this event and mock your brother for this nonsense. I would.

Because it’s going to be more holy in Israel? And if he thinks that, the. He wouldn’t care who comes along because it would be a deeply spiritual event for your nephew. And deeply spiritual events don’t need a buffet dinner or entertainment.

Don’t go. Really. Just don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Introvert here. I beg of you to get your own hotel room! Do not room with your Mom. You need to have a place to have down time. Did your heels in and get your own room, no explanation ended.

[Anonymous]

No no no, OP, you have to spin this and create leverage, considering all the pain it's causing you!

You are doing them a HUGE FAVOR by attending. Make it known that this was a considerable ask on their part and that now they owe you. Big time.

If they're not contributing to your travel costs, then you're doing something wrong. Leverage this for the next few years. Especially if you want them attending your children's ceremonies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No no no, OP, you have to spin this and create leverage, considering all the pain it's causing you!

You are doing them a HUGE FAVOR by attending. Make it known that this was a considerable ask on their part and that now they owe you. Big time.

If they're not contributing to your travel costs, then you're doing something wrong. Leverage this for the next few years. Especially if you want them attending your children's ceremonies.

OP here. I’m guessing this is a joke? Seriously, this way lies madness. They are not asking a favor of me. They are providing an opportunity to the entire family! I just needed a little nudging to take advantage.

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP. Try to find things to enjoy. There really is no point to going if you are going to be negative - it will just be a massive waste of time, money and energy.

Get excited about the holiday and plan on seeing things you are interested in while you are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in your shoes, since I was spending so much time and money on it, I would make the effort to get into a positive frame of mind about it. I would actually go into it planning to enjoy it.

Put the bullying behind you and move forward with grace.

This, and also don’t put yourself in this position again. And get your own room. But you will have a better time in this trip you were pressured if you make a conscious effort to change your attitude about it.

[Anonymous]

Get your own room, and feel free to skip some of the tours and activities if you need to get some down time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How you handle it is that you do not give in to blackmail. PERIOD.
Life is long and if your brother cannot understand that there are seasons wherein your financial/emotional/professional circumstances may make it difficult for you to attend an event then I would not feel bad about not showing up for this command performance. What an ass. You can love and celebrate people without being able to make it every dang time they send out the evite.
What jerks.

OP here. That ship has sailed. My father did pass away two years ago, so it’s more the mom part of the blackmail than the brother part. But, yeah, I’m partial regretting.

You made the major mistake of giving into their demands/guilt. That's on you.

At this point, you suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Introvert here. I beg of you to get your own hotel room! Do not room with your Mom. You need to have a place to have down time. Did your heels in and get your own room, no explanation ended.

I'm thiking that I would probably stay at a separate hotel. Figure out which events you absolutely have to be at and other than that, do your own thing. Do not travel there with them on the plane.
Do you have the sort of job where you might ostensibly have some kind of work business you are doing while you are there, which would permit you to have your own travel, own schedule? (For example, I'm
an academic and I could ostensibly set up coffee or lunch with two or three professors, maybe offer to guest lecture somewhere and then be like: Oh, sorry. I will definitely attend the bar mitzvah but I want to
stay near the university, and I can't attend the all-day long bus tour, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No no no, OP, you have to spin this and create leverage, considering all the pain it's causing you!

You are doing them a HUGE FAVOR by attending. Make it known that this was a considerable ask on their part and that now they owe you. Big time.

If they're not contributing to your travel costs, then you're doing something wrong. Leverage this for the next few years. Especially if you want them attending your children's ceremonies.

OP here. I’m guessing this is a joke? Seriously, this way lies madness. They are not asking a favor of me. They are providing an opportunity to the entire family! I just needed a little nudging to take advantage.

1. Event is a stretch for you, and you initially refused.
2. They bullied you into attending.
3. How are you not doing them a favor?
4. If you continue to be a doormat, you’ll suffer all your life.
5. You need to develop some social savvy and use these events to your advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, they choose to have it in another country and at a great cost to others. I would not attend.

+1

Nailed it.

Destination weddings, funerals, bar/bat mitzvahs, et al are completely optional, OP. Completely.