Unstable sister pregnant

[Anonymous]

I am sort of at a loss. My sister called me from our hometown in West Virginia. She announced her pregnancy. She struggles with addiction, mental illness (resistant to treatment), criminal activity (including getting caught up with men who are criminals) and basically cannot function as an adult. I raised her son who is 18 and a freshman in college. I took him on as a single woman in the middle of medical residency in New York City when she was put in prison for a drug crime. She made her way out and we had a distant relationship. She has never, ever really tried to make a real relationship with her son. I am now not a single woman, but married with three other kids who are 15, 13, and 11. We have a very stable life in the NOVA burbs.

The thing that put a chill in my spine was that she said...well, if things go sideways, I'll just give 'em to you. I'm not worried.

She refuses to get an abortion.

Our mother is long gone (10 years) and our father is in dementia care nearby me and honestly probably only has a few years left if I was being optimistic. I manage his care.

I am so upset. I am so scared for this child. I have to tell my husband and unlike before when my nephew was a take it or leave it, I have no clue how to tell him and I know myself. I can't leave that child if she bails on the child.

I appreciate any prayers, thoughts or ideals.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she can do an open adoption of some sort where her other son (your son now?) can maintain a relationship with the new baby?

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. Sorry I have no suggestions but just want to give you my sympathies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she can do an open adoption of some sort where her other son (your son now?) can maintain a relationship with the new baby?

She absolutely refuses to consider adoption. She also said why bother when you're here?

I am fairly honest with my nephew. I basically did a kinship adoption but he knows who his mom is (my sister) and he knows he's my nephew. We spent many years in therapy working through it and he's a well adjusted young man.

I am just at such a loss. It's such a mess.

[Anonymous]

You tell your sister that you will not be able to take the child, period.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry op. I am praying for you, your sister and her innocent unborn child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tell your sister that you will not be able to take the child, period.

This is stupid. OP knows she wouldn’t follow through. As does he sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tell your sister that you will not be able to take the child, period.

This is what I am struggling with. OP here. It is so cruel and unfair. I see my nephew and see what a child can become if they have a stable home and support and it breaks my heart to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You tell your sister that you will not be able to take the child, period.

This is what I am struggling with. OP here. It is so cruel and unfair. I see my nephew and see what a child can become if they have a stable home and support and it breaks my heart to do that.

You are basically agreeing to take the child so that she doesn’t have to make difficult decisions. You have told her as much. This doesn’t seem compassionate of you at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You tell your sister that you will not be able to take the child, period.

This is what I am struggling with. OP here. It is so cruel and unfair. I see my nephew and see what a child can become if they have a stable home and support and it breaks my heart to do that.

You are basically agreeing to take the child so that she doesn’t have to make difficult decisions. You have told her as much. This doesn’t seem compassionate of you at all.

No, I haven't. I haven't said a word. She assumes what I'd do. I am struggling mightily with the idea. I hope it never, ever happens, but even she is operating in the when and not if paradigm.

I don't know what I'd do, honestly. It is such a conflicting situation. And I am married now, I have other children, and I am not a 24 year old doing her internship year during residency. It's such a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she can do an open adoption of some sort where her other son (your son now?) can maintain a relationship with the new baby?

She absolutely refuses to consider adoption. She also said why bother when you're here?

I am fairly honest with my nephew. I basically did a kinship adoption but he knows who his mom is (my sister) and he knows he's my nephew. We spent many years in therapy working through it and he's a well adjusted young man.

I am just at such a loss. It's such a mess.

It sounds like you need a social worker. If she has a positive drug test when she gives birth, the baby might be placed in foster care at that time. There are a lot of people looking to adopt newborns, so it could be a good outcome. You might be able to get visitation if you do the travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You tell your sister that you will not be able to take the child, period.

This is what I am struggling with. OP here. It is so cruel and unfair. I see my nephew and see what a child can become if they have a stable home and support and it breaks my heart to do that.

You are basically agreeing to take the child so that she doesn’t have to make difficult decisions. You have told her as much. This doesn’t seem compassionate of you at all.

No, I haven't. I haven't said a word. She assumes what I'd do. I am struggling mightily with the idea. I hope it never, ever happens, but even she is operating in the when and not if paradigm.

I don't know what I'd do, honestly. It is such a conflicting situation. And I am married now, I have other children, and I am not a 24 year old doing her internship year during residency. It's such a mess.

If she tells you that she will give you the baby is there is a problem and you say nothing, you are basically agreeing, especially since you took her first. That is certainly how your post comes across. If it is not the case that you would take her baby, or you don’t think you will, it is very problematic to go along with what she is saying, without making this clear.

[Anonymous]

What is she addicted to? Alcohol, or other drugs?

[Anonymous]

Oh wow. That is tough. OP it was amazing of you to raise her other child. So sad that she just assumes she has a safety net.

[Anonymous]

Op you need to convince your sister that you will NOT take this baby. Do whatever you need to do, but convince her. Tell her what you told us- that you now have three other children and have zero ability to help her again. Make her believe you. You have to- or she won’t be making a true choice here. She needs to make her choice knowing and expecting zero help from you.

We both know the above may not end up being true (and you will step in for the child’s sake) but you need to make her think otherwise. You know your sister best. Could you ask your spouse for permission to throw him under the bus? My DH wouldn’t mind. I’d be tempted to lie and say DH 100% forbids it and that is why I can’t do it this time. Whatever it takes to convince her she needs make a real choice, and that you will not be her fallback this time.