Unstable sister pregnant

[Anonymous]

Wow OP I’m so sorry. I am so impressed that you managed to raise your nephew during residency! How in the world did you do that?!?
I would mention foster care to her and adoption as a real possibility- not by her choice. She probably thinks that you would never call CPS on her but in this situation I would make it clear that if moves forward you absolutely will. You need to put the needs of the baby first and a newborn adoption would be so much better than being raised by her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP I’m so sorry. I am so impressed that you managed to raise your nephew during residency! How in the world did you do that?!?
I would mention foster care to her and adoption as a real possibility- not by her choice. She probably thinks that you would never call CPS on her but in this situation I would make it clear that if moves forward you absolutely will. You need to put the needs of the baby first and a newborn adoption would be so much better than being raised by her

It's likely CPS will get wind of it anyway. A positive test, odd behavior, an inappropriate visitor, a hunch and a background check, a nurse who doesn't feel comfortable with the ability to care for a newborn, really anything can trip a wire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP I’m so sorry. I am so impressed that you managed to raise your nephew during residency! How in the world did you do that?!?
I would mention foster care to her and adoption as a real possibility- not by her choice. She probably thinks that you would never call CPS on her but in this situation I would make it clear that if moves forward you absolutely will. You need to put the needs of the baby first and a newborn adoption would be so much better than being raised by her

It's likely CPS will get wind of it anyway. A positive test, odd behavior, an inappropriate visitor, a hunch and a background check, a nurse who doesn't feel comfortable with the ability to care for a newborn, really anything can trip a wire.

I agree.. If I were OP I’d be majorly hoping for pre-arranged adoption for this very reason. This poor baby will end up “in the system” and bounced around, otherwise, which has to be a horrible way to grow up. I don’t see much hope that the sister will change her ways- the other son is 18 already- if she hasn’t yet, I doubt she ever will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP I’m so sorry. I am so impressed that you managed to raise your nephew during residency! How in the world did you do that?!?
I would mention foster care to her and adoption as a real possibility- not by her choice. She probably thinks that you would never call CPS on her but in this situation I would make it clear that if moves forward you absolutely will. You need to put the needs of the baby first and a newborn adoption would be so much better than being raised by her

It's likely CPS will get wind of it anyway. A positive test, odd behavior, an inappropriate visitor, a hunch and a background check, a nurse who doesn't feel comfortable with the ability to care for a newborn, really anything can trip a wire.

I agree.. If I were OP I’d be majorly hoping for pre-arranged adoption for this very reason. This poor baby will end up “in the system” and bounced around, otherwise, which has to be a horrible way to grow up. I don’t see much hope that the sister will change her ways- the other son is 18 already- if she hasn’t yet, I doubt she ever will.

Yes. And OP will end up stepping in to save the baby from this- and end up raising him/her. What a horrible no-win position for OP to be put in. Ugh! This is one of the saddest posts I’ve read on DCUM actually. I really hope her sister comes to her senses and places the baby for adoption. OP is already raising FOUR children.

[Anonymous]

So sad I agree. I would do whatever I could to convince my sister to allow the child to be adopted. Make it clear that you will not be available to raise this child.

Wonder if there is any way she can get paid for the baby? Think that is illegal. But maybe living expenses and medical care during the pregnancy?

Also I guess there is the worry of her consuming harmful drugs during her pregnancy.

So sorry OP. This is a horrible position to be in. I would do the best you can and then allow yourself to move on.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe you can find her a residential program for mothers with substance abuse problems. There definitely are some that Medicaid covers, so see if you can get her signed up for Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You tell your sister that you will not be able to take the child, period.

This is what I am struggling with. OP here. It is so cruel and unfair. I see my nephew and see what a child can become if they have a stable home and support and it breaks my heart to do that.

You need to be honest. What was possible for you in your nephew's situation may not be possible 18 years later.

What may have been quite doable to you at the age of 30 (or whatever) might be too daunting at 48. Your own life circumstances have changed - you are now a married mother of 3 children plus you are still raising your 18 year old nephew. Adding a newborn into the mix may be more than you and your husband could legitimately handle. What happens if one of your own children has a baby and needs your help?

You are one person, Op. It is o.k. to be honest with your sister: You are not in the position to raise another child. Period. Your sister sounds like an awful person, btw. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Are you her only family? Nobody else can pitch in?

So you raised your nephew during residency, then added a newborn and subsequent kids 3 years after that?

Curious, how old is your sister? Must be like 40 yrs old?

[Anonymous]

Wow, that’s tough. I would tell her that if she gets to a point where she cannot take care of her child you can help her select an adoption agency (maybe find one now) but you are not taking on another child. Make this very clear. I would think the worse case scenario is she tries to raise the child and then tries to pawn them onto you when they’re older and she’s already done her damage. That would be significantly harder than taking on a newborn, as you did with your nephew. (Which I applaud you for doing)

That’s a very sad situation. I hope she comes around to adoption.

[Anonymous]

Definitely terminate her parental rights. Get the baby and put him or her up for adoption. Is she anywhere close to menopause? If not pay her to get her tubes tied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she can do an open adoption of some sort where her other son (your son now?) can maintain a relationship with the new baby?

She absolutely refuses to consider adoption. She also said why bother when you're here?

I am fairly honest with my nephew. I basically did a kinship adoption but he knows who his mom is (my sister) and he knows he's my nephew. We spent many years in therapy working through it and he's a well adjusted young man.

I am just at such a loss. It's such a mess.

I’m really sorry OP. ?

[Anonymous]

OP you are a doctor, so you know the problems this baby could have. Fetal alcohol syndrome, etc. It’s not fair to bring that possibility into your family right now. I know that’s harsh. I have a disabled child. It blows the entire family up. The care, the stress, the expense. Is your husband up for that? Or could it end the marriage. I love my kid more than anything. But the stress has been almost unbearable. And while we adults can deal with it, it’s super hard on siblings. I do feel guilt for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You tell your sister that you will not be able to take the child, period.

This is what I am struggling with. OP here. It is so cruel and unfair. I see my nephew and see what a child can become if they have a stable home and support and it breaks my heart to do that.

You need to be honest. What was possible for you in your nephew's situation may not be possible 18 years later.

What may have been quite doable to you at the age of 30 (or whatever) might be too daunting at 48. Your own life circumstances have changed - you are now a married mother of 3 children plus you are still raising your 18 year old nephew. Adding a newborn into the mix may be more than you and your husband could legitimately handle. What happens if one of your own children has a baby and needs your help?

You are one person, Op. It is o.k. to be honest with your sister: You are not in the position to raise another child. Period. Your sister sounds like an awful person, btw. I am so sorry.

Good advice. Sorry op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are a doctor, so you know the problems this baby could have. Fetal alcohol syndrome, etc. It’s not fair to bring that possibility into your family right now. I know that’s harsh. I have a disabled child. It blows the entire family up. The care, the stress, the expense. Is your husband up for that? Or could it end the marriage. I love my kid more than anything. But the stress has been almost unbearable. And while we adults can deal with it, it’s super hard on siblings. I do feel guilt for that.

Please heed this post, OP.

You have had three children of your own since you so kindly chose to raise your nephew. You owe them your attention and your emotional and physical and financial resources too. Your husband deserves the family life and retirement he and you probably envisioned and that does not include starting over as parents to a newborn. That sounds horrid and cold, I'm sure, but situations like this can be marriage-killers as well as doing damage to the relationship with and among the four kids you already have (and I'm including your wonderful nephew as one of your kids).

You must be crystal clear with your sister and your posts are worryingly indicating you haven't been.

An earlier PP mentioned involving a social worker. Do it now, not when the baby is already here. See if you can get solid confidential advice about how to ensure that sister gets pointed toward resources herself or how to involve CPS or line up an adoption if sister can be made to see that would be best when the time comes. When the baby actually arrives she might either decide she wants to try to keep the baby or she might feel so overwhelmed she tries to hand the baby to you--at which point you refuse and contact whatever authorities you have already determined are the next step. A private adoption that lets sister and you have some contact with the baby could work.

But get prepared now with a list of possible next steps before the baby arrives so you do not cave in and just take in the baby yourself. When the baby is a reality, you may be operating on emotion, guilt, fear for the baby, unless you are well prepared and ready to say no to having the child handed off to you. That is not the best thing for the baby or fair to your kids.

Where is your husband on all this? A no vote from him, or even kind ambivalence, should mean you don't take the baby anyway.

So very many families out there are desperately seeking to adopt infants, OP.

[Anonymous]

If there is any doubt in your mind DO NOT take this baby on and communicate that clearly to her. I agree that this child could implode your family dynamic. It's not worth the risk. She's on her own and she needs to know that.