estranged sibling comes back for inheritance and help

[Anonymous]

Has anyone else had an estranged sibling pop back into the picture when a parent is ill to make sure she's in the will? Then she starts needing help from her other siblings due to all her issues? She makes a lot of money herself and can hire people to wait on her hand and foot. The ill parent wants to pretend she was never estranged and we are supposed to cater to her while helping ill parent. She made sure said parent has her in the will so she will have even more cash flow that again she can hire a family to do the things people you actually are there for would do. What is so strange is how everyone, but my brother and I acts like she was never estranged. My aunts, uncle, cousins, etc think we, the siblings, should fly out to be by her side for hospital stays and we should take care of her child for her. She only came back into our lives when she needed family. She was missing when we faced our own challenges and she has happily let us re-arrange our lives to deal with a difficult parent.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to get facts vs your interpretation of motives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible to get facts vs your interpretation of motives?

OP here. In all fairness, I do think she wanted to reconnect more with the parent and she was not 100% estranged. She just basically went over 15 years where she rarely visited (less than once a year), never hosted parents, was MIA when anyone needed help and enjoyed a lot of freedoms we could not due to parental obligations. I do think she wanted to have closure, but she did make sure she was in the will.

With regard to needing our help, she has only been kind to us when she needed something so yes, ahe's at it again. She had an ugly divorce and does not have many friends because they tire of things being one way and get burned out. My brother and I both have spouses and kids of our own so we don't have endless time to cater to people.

[Anonymous]

My XH just did this to his family. He’d already drained off 3 mil before the estrangement. His siblings are very worried about division of the remaining estate, but... right now, he’s doing ALL the eldercare scut work that they hate doing and try to get the parents to pay someone to do. The parents weren’t willing to outsource so the teenaged and early twenties grandkids were picking up the slack. Something is wrong about expecting a 13 year old to take a bus across the county to help her grandmother bathe! Anyway, I seldom give my XH any praise, but he stepped in and they didn’t. A broken clock can be right twice a day.

[Anonymous]

I have not had this happen but it sounds really frustrating.

My dad had something similar happen - he has two brothers and one was estranged for years due to mental illness and refusing to get help. When their dad was ill he came back into the picture to "make amends" but it was clear he just wanted a hand out. He had been written out of the will, but once he was back he pleaded his case to his dad that if he had some money he would finally get the help he needs, etc. Well, he was written back into the will, eventually got his money, and guess what... he has never been heard from again. My dad and his other brother pleaded with their father not to just give him money but said that if he insisted on giving him something to do it in a structured way that pays only for doctor bills or whatever. He ignored that.

I think you have two choices - give your sibling the benefit of the doubt and give her a chance, or decide you're done and hold strong. You owe her nothing to help her with her own issues - although it's nice to lend emotional support - despite what your sick parent requests.

[Anonymous]

Op, this sucks but ultimately it’s not your money and your sibling will always be your parent’s baby. It’s not worth expending the emotional energy thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

You can’t control how others respond to the sibling returning to their lives. There are a lot of complicated emotions and reasons around those reactions.

You can control your own reactions. If you don’t trust this person or want to be close, that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Your sibling is estranged and you don't blame your parents at all? Why are you so invested in not letting her back into the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling is estranged and you don't blame your parents at all? Why are you so invested in not letting her back into the family?

OP here. Oh I think they were all to blame. My issue is not with letting her into the family. My issue is with her expecting massive favors when she can pay people to do these favors. Both my brother and I gave up career opportunities to be able to manage work and sandwich generation stuff. She on the other hand could rise up in her career without the burden of difficult parents (now there is is just one). Parents can do what they want with their money and will, but I am certainly not traveling out to help a sister who is MIA anytime anyone else has needed help. I also finding it fascinating that she can do little to nothing and people are just happy she shows up. Meanwhile my brother and I are supposed to carry the load and take care of her somehow. No thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t control how others respond to the sibling returning to their lives. There are a lot of complicated emotions and reasons around those reactions.

You can control your own reactions. If you don’t trust this person or want to be close, that’s fine.

OP thank you. Yes, I don't trust her. It's all about getting her needs met. If others want to welcome her that is fine, but I am not interested in a taker who suddenly wants to be close when in need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling is estranged and you don't blame your parents at all? Why are you so invested in not letting her back into the family?

OP here. Oh I think they were all to blame. My issue is not with letting her into the family. My issue is with her expecting massive favors when she can pay people to do these favors. Both my brother and I gave up career opportunities to be able to manage work and sandwich generation stuff. She on the other hand could rise up in her career without the burden of difficult parents (now there is is just one). Parents can do what they want with their money and will, but I am certainly not traveling out to help a sister who is MIA anytime anyone else has needed help. I also finding it fascinating that she can do little to nothing and people are just happy she shows up. Meanwhile my brother and I are supposed to carry the load and take care of her somehow. No thank you.

Well, you and any other siblings have complete control whether you do her favors. You mentioned about her apparently being in the hospital--is this a frequent thing? serious thing? You're getting flack from your parents and/or other relatives because she had gall bladder surgery and wanted someone to hold her hand for an overnight hospital stay, or was there something serious?

Also, the MIA part can be complicated and there could be a side to that you don't know about, or it certainly could be that living far away she was able to not see or appreciate the work other sibs were doing, or maybe she thought the parents should outsource more of their care and were refusing to and guilt-tripping you guys into doing that. There are lots and lots of possibilities.

But one should always be careful about treating relationships as a ledger. Not saying it never makes sense, just be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling is estranged and you don't blame your parents at all? Why are you so invested in not letting her back into the family?

OP here. Oh I think they were all to blame. My issue is not with letting her into the family. My issue is with her expecting massive favors when she can pay people to do these favors. Both my brother and I gave up career opportunities to be able to manage work and sandwich generation stuff. She on the other hand could rise up in her career without the burden of difficult parents (now there is is just one). Parents can do what they want with their money and will, but I am certainly not traveling out to help a sister who is MIA anytime anyone else has needed help. I also finding it fascinating that she can do little to nothing and people are just happy she shows up. Meanwhile my brother and I are supposed to carry the load and take care of her somehow. No thank you.

Well, you and any other siblings have complete control whether you do her favors. You mentioned about her apparently being in the hospital--is this a frequent thing? serious thing? You're getting flack from your parents and/or other relatives because she had gall bladder surgery and wanted someone to hold her hand for an overnight hospital stay, or was there something serious?

Also, the MIA part can be complicated and there could be a side to that you don't know about, or it certainly could be that living far away she was able to not see or appreciate the work other sibs were doing, or maybe she thought the parents should outsource more of their care and were refusing to and guilt-tripping you guys into doing that. There are lots and lots of possibilities.

But one should always be careful about treating relationships as a ledger. Not saying it never makes sense, just be careful.

OP here. Thanks. She has a number of medical issues, the worst of which she could reverse somewhat with lifestyle changes. She knew she was at risk as did we all, but did not want to make the changes until she had no choice and hopefully it isn't too late. The partial estrangement was definitely part my parents' fault-absolutely and it happened long before they needed help. It was more that my brother and i decided to accept their limitations and work around it and she did her own thing. I don't think I would begrudge her so much if she didn't expect help and we didn't have family jumping in to try to manipulate us. So now we are stuck pushing back and feeling totally unappreciated for all we have done for both parents over the years. To be clear I don't keep tally with my brother over how we help eachother and who did more because at least we have been there for eachother. She is missing unless she needs something and ever since childhood I could predict if she was being nice, a request was coming.,..and it did. Now the requests are far bigger.

I do appreciate the responses and it is helpful to hear about other complicated situations people have seen in their families or their loved ones families. It helped to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible to get facts vs your interpretation of motives?

OP here. In all fairness, I do think she wanted to reconnect more with the parent and she was not 100% estranged. She just basically went over 15 years where she rarely visited (less than once a year), never hosted parents, was MIA when anyone needed help and enjoyed a lot of freedoms we could not due to parental obligations. I do think she wanted to have closure, but she did make sure she was in the will.

With regard to needing our help, she has only been kind to us when she needed something so yes, ahe's at it again. She had an ugly divorce and does not have many friends because they tire of things being one way and get burned out. My brother and I both have spouses and kids of our own so we don't have endless time to cater to people.

If she visited yearly and called she was not estranged. My husband's brother was estranged and wouldn't visit or call or take calls forms. You have another sibling. You dnt' need to cater to her but its not like you don't have help. Try doing it all alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling is estranged and you don't blame your parents at all? Why are you so invested in not letting her back into the family?

OP here. Oh I think they were all to blame. My issue is not with letting her into the family. My issue is with her expecting massive favors when she can pay people to do these favors. Both my brother and I gave up career opportunities to be able to manage work and sandwich generation stuff. She on the other hand could rise up in her career without the burden of difficult parents (now there is is just one). Parents can do what they want with their money and will, but I am certainly not traveling out to help a sister who is MIA anytime anyone else has needed help. I also finding it fascinating that she can do little to nothing and people are just happy she shows up. Meanwhile my brother and I are supposed to carry the load and take care of her somehow. No thank you.

Well, you and any other siblings have complete control whether you do her favors. You mentioned about her apparently being in the hospital--is this a frequent thing? serious thing? You're getting flack from your parents and/or other relatives because she had gall bladder surgery and wanted someone to hold her hand for an overnight hospital stay, or was there something serious?

Also, the MIA part can be complicated and there could be a side to that you don't know about, or it certainly could be that living far away she was able to not see or appreciate the work other sibs were doing, or maybe she thought the parents should outsource more of their care and were refusing to and guilt-tripping you guys into doing that. There are lots and lots of possibilities.

But one should always be careful about treating relationships as a ledger. Not saying it never makes sense, just be careful.

OP here. Thanks. She has a number of medical issues, the worst of which she could reverse somewhat with lifestyle changes. She knew she was at risk as did we all, but did not want to make the changes until she had no choice and hopefully it isn't too late. The partial estrangement was definitely part my parents' fault-absolutely and it happened long before they needed help. It was more that my brother and i decided to accept their limitations and work around it and she did her own thing. I don't think I would begrudge her so much if she didn't expect help and we didn't have family jumping in to try to manipulate us. So now we are stuck pushing back and feeling totally unappreciated for all we have done for both parents over the years. To be clear I don't keep tally with my brother over how we help eachother and who did more because at least we have been there for eachother. She is missing unless she needs something and ever since childhood I could predict if she was being nice, a request was coming.,..and it did. Now the requests are far bigger.

I do appreciate the responses and it is helpful to hear about other complicated situations people have seen in their families or their loved ones families. It helped to vent.

She has gone through personal issues and you sound very cruel. Maybe she really does need the help.

[Anonymous]

Her share was never your share.