estranged sibling comes back for inheritance and help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling is estranged and you don't blame your parents at all? Why are you so invested in not letting her back into the family?

OP here. Oh I think they were all to blame. My issue is not with letting her into the family. My issue is with her expecting massive favors when she can pay people to do these favors. Both my brother and I gave up career opportunities to be able to manage work and sandwich generation stuff. She on the other hand could rise up in her career without the burden of difficult parents (now there is is just one). Parents can do what they want with their money and will, but I am certainly not traveling out to help a sister who is MIA anytime anyone else has needed help. I also finding it fascinating that she can do little to nothing and people are just happy she shows up. Meanwhile my brother and I are supposed to carry the load and take care of her somehow. No thank you.

You didn't give up your career for your parents. Stop blaming other people. She is not estranged and the real issue is you are greedy and want the entire inheritance. Its common for one sibling to do the entire caretaking. Get over it. She has her own health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling is estranged and you don't blame your parents at all? Why are you so invested in not letting her back into the family?

OP here. Oh I think they were all to blame. My issue is not with letting her into the family. My issue is with her expecting massive favors when she can pay people to do these favors. Both my brother and I gave up career opportunities to be able to manage work and sandwich generation stuff. She on the other hand could rise up in her career without the burden of difficult parents (now there is is just one). Parents can do what they want with their money and will, but I am certainly not traveling out to help a sister who is MIA anytime anyone else has needed help. I also finding it fascinating that she can do little to nothing and people are just happy she shows up. Meanwhile my brother and I are supposed to carry the load and take care of her somehow. No thank you.

Not that you need to answer, but I’m curious how you feel you’re raising your children differently than your parents raised their children.

The sad truth is that family dysfunction tends to get passed on endlessly, even though the specifics of the dysfunction are usually different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling is estranged and you don't blame your parents at all? Why are you so invested in not letting her back into the family?

OP here. Oh I think they were all to blame. My issue is not with letting her into the family. My issue is with her expecting massive favors when she can pay people to do these favors. Both my brother and I gave up career opportunities to be able to manage work and sandwich generation stuff. She on the other hand could rise up in her career without the burden of difficult parents (now there is is just one). Parents can do what they want with their money and will, but I am certainly not traveling out to help a sister who is MIA anytime anyone else has needed help. I also finding it fascinating that she can do little to nothing and people are just happy she shows up. Meanwhile my brother and I are supposed to carry the load and take care of her somehow. No thank you.

You didn't give up your career for your parents. Stop blaming other people. She is not estranged and the real issue is you are greedy and want the entire inheritance. Its common for one sibling to do the entire caretaking. Get over it. She has her own health issues.[/quote]


Wow, you sound like a peach. Did you read? Nobody should expect siblings they rarely see or communicate with to take care of them especially if they can afford to hire help or even better have a social network. It is ridiculous to expect people you made strangers travel out and care for you. You create your own family and they are your support. If you don't have friends either than you need to wonder what you are doing wrong that there is nobody around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her share was never your share.

OP here. I don't consider her share of the inheritance my share. I do think she gave up her share of the work, but I understand it is rare there is an equal divide. Where I draw the line is being someone's health aide/nurse/mommy who only appears in my life with requests. I do think flying out and playing nursemaid is not my job. She can use all her money to hire help. My entire life I every single time she is nice, it's because she needs something and the needs just get bigger. I'm done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling is estranged and you don't blame your parents at all? Why are you so invested in not letting her back into the family?

OP here. Oh I think they were all to blame. My issue is not with letting her into the family. My issue is with her expecting massive favors when she can pay people to do these favors. Both my brother and I gave up career opportunities to be able to manage work and sandwich generation stuff. She on the other hand could rise up in her career without the burden of difficult parents (now there is is just one). Parents can do what they want with their money and will, but I am certainly not traveling out to help a sister who is MIA anytime anyone else has needed help. I also finding it fascinating that she can do little to nothing and people are just happy she shows up. Meanwhile my brother and I are supposed to carry the load and take care of her somehow. No thank you.

Not that you need to answer, but I’m curious how you feel you’re raising your children differently than your parents raised their children.

The sad truth is that family dysfunction tends to get passed on endlessly, even though the specifics of the dysfunction are usually different.

It's a good question. OP here. We allow open communication in the family we created. Dissatisfaction and hurt can be discussed and worked on. We try to make sure we don't use emotional manipulation, but I admit we give the occasional guilt trip. We don't put our kids in competition for affection or love or acceptance. We appreciate what is unique in each one.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I forgot to add I have had health issues (different) and I never would have even considered asking her to fly out and help. My husband took care of things and if I were single I would have relied on close friends and people I hire, not a family member I rarely see or interact with. I see cousins more than I see her and I would not ask them since they are not a regular part of my life and I have not been asked to help them before.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand your frustration, but ultimately you had the same choice that she did about how much or how little care taking of your parents you were willing to do. You decided to do what felt right for you, and that’s all you have control of.

As disappointing as it is that your great efforts and sacrifices don’t seem to be acknowledged or appreciated, I’m guessing you didn’t step in to help in order to get praise, or a larger inheritance; you are following your own moral code and sense of what’s the right thing to do, in your gut. You can go to bed with a clear conscience that you are living by your core values, as hard and complicated as it is.

It’s not fair that it’s unequal and unappreciated, but ultimately you have the choice to take a step back, as your sister did — but you haven’t. It doesn’t seem that you would be comfortable with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her share was never your share.

OP here. I don't consider her share of the inheritance my share. I do think she gave up her share of the work, but I understand it is rare there is an equal divide. Where I draw the line is being someone's health aide/nurse/mommy who only appears in my life with requests. I do think flying out and playing nursemaid is not my job. She can use all her money to hire help. My entire life I every single time she is nice, it's because she needs something and the needs just get bigger. I'm done.

More and more curious, what exactly the hell is wrong with your sister? And I wouldn't want a resentful sister taking care of me (arsenic, too much insulin. . . . all kind of things could happen). It's fine to turn her down (or turn down whoever is saying you should fly out there) but why not just turn down the ask without all the anger?

[Anonymous]

And just to add - it is also your choice whether or not you step in to help your sister, and you should feel no guilt if you’re unwilling to do that.

[Anonymous]

You live your life.

Sister lives her life.

Inheritance choices are on your parents.

[Anonymous]

Agree, respectfully decline sister's ask for help. I'm not
sure why you have anger about the ask.

[Anonymous]

Op, you lost me at calling someone whom you admit saw your parents once a year estranged.

She is probably nuts, but so are you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I forgot to add I have had health issues (different) and I never would have even considered asking her to fly out and help. My husband took care of things and if I were single I would have relied on close friends and people I hire, not a family member I rarely see or interact with. I see cousins more than I see her and I would not ask them since they are not a regular part of my life and I have not been asked to help them before.

Funny how you story changes. Family helps family. You sound selfish and there is a reason why she's estranged from you. Its your attitude. She isn't estranged to your parents, just you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I forgot to add I have had health issues (different) and I never would have even considered asking her to fly out and help. My husband took care of things and if I were single I would have relied on close friends and people I hire, not a family member I rarely see or interact with. I see cousins more than I see her and I would not ask them since they are not a regular part of my life and I have not been asked to help them before.

Funny how you story changes. Family helps family. You sound selfish and there is a reason why she's estranged from you. Its your attitude. She isn't estranged to your parents, just you.

I talk to her and see her as much as my brother and parents which is basically rare. my story did not change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And just to add - it is also your choice whether or not you step in to help your sister, and you should feel no guilt if you’re unwilling to do that.

OP here. Thank you. I think the issue is family trying to guilt trip both of us like we don't have families of our own to take care of.