estranged sibling comes back for inheritance and help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree, respectfully decline sister's ask for help. I'm not
sure why you have anger about the ask.

Anger is from rest of family getting involved and her trying to guilt trip despite the fact she has been out of the picture mostly. If a polite no, no time, no way, too stressed out had been accepted graciously there would not be anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand your frustration, but ultimately you had the same choice that she did about how much or how little care taking of your parents you were willing to do. You decided to do what felt right for you, and that’s all you have control of.

As disappointing as it is that your great efforts and sacrifices don’t seem to be acknowledged or appreciated, I’m guessing you didn’t step in to help in order to get praise, or a larger inheritance; you are following your own moral code and sense of what’s the right thing to do, in your gut. You can go to bed with a clear conscience that you are living by your core values, as hard and complicated as it is.

It’s not fair that it’s unequal and unappreciated, but ultimately you have the choice to take a step back, as your sister did — but you haven’t. It doesn’t seem that you would be comfortable with that.

This is true! You make a good point. (OP here).

[Anonymous]

She made sure said parent has her in the will ...

"She" did not put herself in the will. Your parents put her in the will.
Motivation or being deserving is unimportant.

[Anonymous]

Stop with the drama. You simply say “No”...I can’t fly out to help. I wonder, however, why you are so bitter towards your niece who has done nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree, respectfully decline sister's ask for help. I'm not
sure why you have anger about the ask.

Anger is from rest of family getting involved and her trying to guilt trip despite the fact she has been out of the picture mostly. If a polite no, no time, no way, too stressed out had been accepted graciously there would not be anger.

She keeps in touch with you parents and visits yearly. She is not estranged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And just to add - it is also your choice whether or not you step in to help your sister, and you should feel no guilt if you’re unwilling to do that.

OP here. Thank you. I think the issue is family trying to guilt trip both of us like we don't have families of our own to take care of.

Why isn’t said family helping her out themselves? There is no law that a cousin, aunt, nice, nephew etc can’t help. I’d have no patience for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And just to add - it is also your choice whether or not you step in to help your sister, and you should feel no guilt if you’re unwilling to do that.

OP here. Thank you. I think the issue is family trying to guilt trip both of us like we don't have families of our own to take care of.

Why isn’t said family helping her out themselves? There is no law that a cousin, aunt, nice, nephew etc can’t help. I’d have no patience for that.

Don't you know the rule of dysfunctional families. The ones who don't want to do, just try to emotionally manipulate whoever they can into doing the hard labor. The ones who give the biggest guilt trips are usually the most guilty of being slackers. Maybe it's just my family, but for generations the miost manipulative were the most selfish.

[Anonymous]

My BIL was estranged from the in-laws for the past 15 years. Lives 10 minutes away from them and never saw them. My FIL is in hospital nearly died and BIL came to visit. They are treating him like he was never estranged. They treat him like he is amazing that he finally made an effort.

Who knows why they do it, maybe it's just easier because people don't like family tensions.

You don't have to help this other sibling. They haven't helped you, you don't need to fly out to them when they need care, who cares what other family think. The sibling can't estrange themselves and then demand help, they made the decision to cut themselves off, the consequence is distant family relationships. If you needed help would this sibling help you now, probably not.

Be civil be polite and wish them well, that's all that you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL was estranged from the in-laws for the past 15 years. Lives 10 minutes away from them and never saw them. My FIL is in hospital nearly died and BIL came to visit. They are treating him like he was never estranged. They treat him like he is amazing that he finally made an effort.

Who knows why they do it, maybe it's just easier because people don't like family tensions.

You don't have to help this other sibling. They haven't helped you, you don't need to fly out to them when they need care, who cares what other family think. The sibling can't estrange themselves and then demand help, they made the decision to cut themselves off, the consequence is distant family relationships. If you needed help would this sibling help you now, probably not.

Be civil be polite and wish them well, that's all that you need to do.

This is our family in some ways. It is fascinating to me how the estranged or somewhat estranged depending on the family can become the golden child upon return in dysfunctional families. I've seen this in my own families, in extended family and a friend's family. I think it is fine for a family to welcome the person back and want to have a good relationship, but it's like the person gets put on a pedestal.

[Anonymous]

It's probably really a blessing for your parent to have their estranged child back in their lives. Would you really begrudge them that at the end of their life?