Told brother I don't want to meet OW

[Anonymous]

Hi,

My brother cheated on his lovely wife. SIL tried to forgive him but he would not stop contact with the OW. She gave up kicked him out and filed for divorce. My brother is now in a relationship with his OW. Per the agreement he made with SIL neither party can introduce a SO to their kids until 6 months after the divorce is finalized. Their divorce is no where close to being finalized. That has not stopped my brother from trying to introduce his mistress to the family though. No one wants to meet her. My parents took a really hard line and the mistress is banned from their house period.

I am hosting TG this year and my brother asked me if he could bring her to my house to meet me the day AFTER TG. I told him it was a bad idea. I love my brother but he has made such bad choices. Allowing him to bring his mistress over would be like supporting those bad decisions. I told him if they were still together in a couple of years then maybe I would consider meeting her. He blew up at me. I don't know what to do. I hate to say it but I agree with our parents on this. He is acting like a different person and I don't like the person he is now. He said not to push him or he would not come around at all. Our parents say they don't care and not to give in to his temper tantrum. My parents think that if he gives up the OW he will stop acting like a crazy person and he can get back with SIL. SIL will never take him back. I don't think my parents are being realistic at all in that regard. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

He's your brother. Be there for him. Showing love and kindness to your brother is never the wrong thing to do.

[Anonymous]

He is your brother. You don’t know the details of what was going on in the marriage. You are making a mistake.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want to meet her, and I wouldn't care about his temper tantrum. That said, you are right that your brother is making poor decisions and the OW is a symptom of that, not the cause. If/when they break up he will still be bad decision guy and your ex-SIL will likely not have any interest in taking him back. I think your parents are taking the right position but maybe for the wrong reason -- the OW isn't making him crazy, he's crazy so he blew up his marriage with an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

My brother cheated on his lovely wife. SIL tried to forgive him but he would not stop contact with the OW. She gave up kicked him out and filed for divorce. My brother is now in a relationship with his OW. Per the agreement he made with SIL neither party can introduce a SO to their kids until 6 months after the divorce is finalized. Their divorce is no where close to being finalized. That has not stopped my brother from trying to introduce his mistress to the family though. No one wants to meet her. My parents took a really hard line and the mistress is banned from their house period.

I am hosting TG this year and my brother asked me if he could bring her to my house to meet me the day AFTER TG. I told him it was a bad idea. I love my brother but he has made such bad choices. Allowing him to bring his mistress over would be like supporting those bad decisions. I told him if they were still together in a couple of years then maybe I would consider meeting her. He blew up at me. I don't know what to do. I hate to say it but I agree with our parents on this. He is acting like a different person and I don't like the person he is now. He said not to push him or he would not come around at all. Our parents say they don't care and not to give in to his temper tantrum. My parents think that if he gives up the OW he will stop acting like a crazy person and he can get back with SIL. SIL will never take him back. I don't think my parents are being realistic at all in that regard. WWYD?

I'd tell him to grow up and wave bye-bye.

[Anonymous]

I would say that as far as you’re concerned, he only has one wife at a time. If he’s not divorced, then he’s still married to SIL.

You will meet the OW after his divorce is final and not a second before.

[Anonymous]

I would probably meet her after the divorce is final, but I would never go out of my way to be her friend. The kind of person who has an affair with a married man is not someone I’m interested in befriending. The only reason I wouldn’t do the same to my brother is because he’s my brother, regardless of how much he blows up his own life. And I’d want to be part of my nieces/nephews lives because it sounds like they’re going to need some stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's your brother. Be there for him. Showing love and kindness to your brother is never the wrong thing to do.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is your brother. You don’t know the details of what was going on in the marriage. You are making a mistake.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's your brother. Be there for him. Showing love and kindness to your brother is never the wrong thing to do.

Agreed. You should show love and kindness to your brother. Supporting his affair does neither.

“After you’re divorced, I would love to meet any woman you’re dating. As long as you’re married, I refuse to be involved in your affairs.”

If he throws a tantrum like a toddler, you act like the grown up.

[Anonymous]

As crappy as this whole situation is, boycotting your brother's mistress is not going to force him back into his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably meet her after the divorce is final, but I would never go out of my way to be her friend. The kind of person who has an affair with a married man is not someone I’m interested in befriending. The only reason I wouldn’t do the same to my brother is because he’s my brother, regardless of how much he blows up his own life. And I’d want to be part of my nieces/nephews lives because it sounds like they’re going to need some stability.

DITTO. once the divorce is finalized you will have to treat OW politely, as you would any other disliked spouse, if you want to continue a relationship with your brother and his kids. I don’t think I would really ever truly forgive either the brother or the OW but I would keep it to myself. Sickening.

[Anonymous]

I would meet her only because I did love my brother and it is obviously important to him that she meet you. You don’t have to be her friend but she has done nothing wrong to you, your husband and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As crappy as this whole situation is, boycotting your brother's mistress is not going to force him back into his marriage.

No, but accepting her with open arms is wrong too. He broke up his family and his marriage. These are all things people should consider before cheating. I think the right approach is to wait and see if the mistress lasts before welcoming her with open arms.

[Anonymous]

OP here is your standard: do whatever you can do to keep the most contact with his kids that you can.

He is an adult and if you take a hard line and he decides to blow up and walk out of your life, then that's his *choice* and he can change his mind at any time. So that doesn't really matter. He should not hold your relationship hostage to his whims.

So that's the answer to the situation, EXCEPT if this would lead to you not seeing his kids as much. If that is the case, then do it for the kids and let his DW know that is the ONLY reason you are doing it.