Told brother I don't want to meet OW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP he's disgusting. As a married man with kids he wants to bring the co-cheater to your home?

No way, and that long needed talk would be given. That's a horrible thing to do to his kids, both parents need to not date at this time. Make sure the kids get use to the new living arrangements, and all the new stresses. Not bring some floozy around that helped destroy a family.

TG no less. SMH

This is op's family member you're talking about. He has blown up his life and is trying to connect with his family. He is deserving of love and kindness, even if op chooses not to meet the girlfriend at this time. Do you toss family aside when they f*ck up?

[Anonymous]

Based on your parents’ reaction I think your brother should fully expect to be cut out of the will, with anything that was intended for him going directly to his children. Considering how strongly they feel I think that’s a very good possibility.

[Anonymous]

I think it is okay to tell him you want to wait until the divorce is final. Maybe have a heart to heart with him. Tell him you love him, but you are working through your own feelings of loss (losing your sister-in-law), and that it is complicated, but that you are looking forward to meeting his partner in the future. You just aren't quite ready now.

[Anonymous]

I think relationship go both ways and if your brother isn’t willing to respect both you and your parents’ preference, it might be good to let him be for a while. He needs to see consequences of his behavior not only towards his marriage but also towards his expectations of you all. He will come around. Leave him be for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

My brother cheated on his lovely wife. SIL tried to forgive him but he would not stop contact with the OW. She gave up kicked him out and filed for divorce. My brother is now in a relationship with his OW. Per the agreement he made with SIL neither party can introduce a SO to their kids until 6 months after the divorce is finalized. Their divorce is no where close to being finalized. That has not stopped my brother from trying to introduce his mistress to the family though. No one wants to meet her. My parents took a really hard line and the mistress is banned from their house period.

I am hosting TG this year and my brother asked me if he could bring her to my house to meet me the day AFTER TG. I told him it was a bad idea. I love my brother but he has made such bad choices. Allowing him to bring his mistress over would be like supporting those bad decisions. I told him if they were still together in a couple of years then maybe I would consider meeting her. He blew up at me. I don't know what to do. I hate to say it but I agree with our parents on this. He is acting like a different person and I don't like the person he is now. He said not to push him or he would not come around at all. Our parents say they don't care and not to give in to his temper tantrum. My parents think that if he gives up the OW he will stop acting like a crazy person and he can get back with SIL. SIL will never take him back. I don't think my parents are being realistic at all in that regard. WWYD?

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Do either of your parents have a history of cheating that influenced your brother?

It's time to have a family intervention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the Queen can welcome Camilla into the Royal Family, so can you OP!

that took years and years and she had no choice after a while.

Anyway, what your brother is doing is forced and is only going to create resentment towards him and OW.

That's the point. Eventually it happened. Just because they were APs doesn't make their relationship any less valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably meet her after the divorce is final, but I would never go out of my way to be her friend. The kind of person who has an affair with a married man is not someone I’m interested in befriending. The only reason I wouldn’t do the same to my brother is because he’s my brother, regardless of how much he blows up his own life. And I’d want to be part of my nieces/nephews lives because it sounds like they’re going to need some stability.

Hypocrite. The "mistress" wasn't married, the brother was. What about the kind of man who cheats on his wife?

That kind of a man is an asshole. But if you had bothered to read my next two sentences, I specifically said the ONLY reason I wouldn’t do the same to my brother is because of the family tie and to stay in his kids’ lives. But yes, I would always think less of him as well. Feel better?

[Anonymous]

OP- if it were my brother, I love him. I also like my SIL but I don’t know what goes on in their marriage. The divorce has been filed, it is inevitable. They have been separated for what appears to be many months. He asked to meet the day after Thanksgiving. I would meet them for lunch or coffee. You have no idea what your brother told this woman. He is the one who cheated for reasons you do not know. He isn’t going back to his wife..that relationship is over. He, however, is still your brother....that relationship is likely decades older than his marriage. He didn’t cheat on you. He is human, he made a mistake. Forgive.

[Anonymous]

If the kids will be present at any of these family gatherings, then the AP shouldn’t be there. That part is a no-brainer.

My family almost went through this with my brother, but he and my SIL reconciled (my brother did give up his AP and worked on the marriage). I wondered many times how I would handle such a scenario because I’m very close with my SIL and we really raised our kids side by side. She is also such a lovely person.

I realized that I couldn’t pretend everything was okay, and that this AP’a presence wasn’t a trauma for our family. I couldn’t pretend we weren’t experiencing loss and pain and yes, anger. I love my brother, flawed as he is but that would would not extend to the AP. I’m a polite person and would be respectful but there would be no close relationship. I would also be honest about how difficult it all was — no pretending.

Fortunately, my brother cane to his senses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, after Thanksgiving, your kids can tell their cousins that they met the cousins' daddy's girlfriend?

Yeah, no.

Your brother can have Thanksgiving with the bad choice he made this year.

Once his divorce is final, once his kids have met her, then she can come to Thanksgiving.

+1

When my parents divorced, I was in my mid-20s and it was after my dad had an affair. The OW knew my mom. My aunt (dad's sister) and extended family welcomed this OW with open arms and frankly, I haven't forgiven them for that, many years later. Thank you for sticking up for your SIL and their kids.

+1. OP, I would look at this from the perspective of what's best for your brother's kids. It would be very bad for his kids if you and your kids (their cousins) meet OW before they do and without them even present.

My dad cheated and at one point moved in with OW and her kids. No saints here, my mom was a horrible wife and mother too. I found out that my aunt (Dad's sister) refused to allow him to bring OW to her home. It felt good to know that my aunt took a stand and didn't allow my siblings, mom, and me to just be replaced (that's how it felt to me).

If OW stays in the picture, then maybe the first time you meet her should be with your brother's kids there so they don't feel like OW is taking over their family. Just my opinion.

[Anonymous]

You are being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Op tell your brother that at the moment it's a little too soon and raw for you considering that you liked SIL.

Tell him that you will be willing to meet her down the track when everything has settled.

If he gets upset then so be it. At this point their relationship might not even last why stress so early. Give it a few months and meet up on some random week day when there isn't holiday stress added to the mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As crappy as this whole situation is, boycotting your brother's mistress is not going to force him back into his marriage.

+1

And you have no idea what is going on in his marriage, OP.

Moreover, the separation terms relate to not meeting children, it is not about other members of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being ridiculous.

We found Op's brother!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As crappy as this whole situation is, boycotting your brother's mistress is not going to force him back into his marriage.

+1

And you have no idea what is going on in his marriage, OP.

Moreover, the separation terms relate to not meeting children, it is not about other members of the family.

Dp who cares? Brother wants his OW to be blessed by the family and I personally wouldn't give it to him.