Never on the same page with DH

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married for several years. We’ve had communication issues here and there but it’s gotten worse. We often find ourselves at odds over lots of things, big and small. I want to get take out, he wants to cook. We need a bigger car for our growing kids, he disagrees. I want to sign up the kids for soccer. He thinks it’s a waste of money. I suggest a date night. He doesn’t want to go out and then just wants to stay up late watching Netflix alone. We need a new dining table. He disagrees but he knows the one we have is worn out. He’s apathetic about hanging out with my friends but he doesn’t make a big effort to see his. Even how I stack the dishwasher is wrong. And don’t get me started on childcare issues. I don’t know how long I can live this way. I guess this is what they call irreconcilable differences in divorce court?

[Anonymous]

Is he really anxious about things? It sounds like he may be stressed about money and perhaps social situations. Is this a change for him? How are things going at work?

[Anonymous]

I don't have any easy answers for you but over the past year of our marriage (15 years) I noticed that no matter what I say to my DH he disagrees- "No" is his automatic answer. It's ridiculous to the point that our DCs noted it. He obviously realizes it b/c sometimes-after an egregious incident, he will back peddle a bit - yet it continues. It seems, at times, it's simply for the sake of disagreement.

If I were not able to encapsulate this behavior this way, it would indeed become an "irreconcilable difference in divorce court"

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you both just state your points of view to each other and since they are opposing or when they are opposing, you are then at a stalemate.

You should work with someone to see how to communicate differently. To put the issue / wants / needs / pros / cons on the table and then work on the solution together. Instead you are each stating the solution and then you have two differing solutions.

You are both becoming resentful because neither of you want to hear the other's solution as it feels like right / wrong - someone gets their way. You need to learn how to work collaboratively and to communicate in a way that doesn't shut that down. I would suggest working with someone so there is a neutral party. They can give you homework and exercises until you have a new pattern of communicating.

[Anonymous]

This is EXACTLY how my DH is. It is absolutely maddening. It is frustrating to no end.

The only way to get past it it to not ask your DH's opinion. Seriously. Just do what you want. Because he will never ever change.

[Anonymous]

A lot of what you noted as disagreements may have its root in money. (Car, dining room table, eating out etc.). Does he have concerns that you don't share or are possibly unaware of? Some men view themselves as hunter/gatherers and don't want to talk about their concerns when it comes to that role but it comes out in some of the issues you highlighted.

[jabaltimore004]

You're describing someone who is very stressed about money. Probably an introvert. If money is indeed an issue he may not want to talk about it, but you absolutely need to get to the bottom of it. You could be contributing to a problem you have no idea exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of what you noted as disagreements may have its root in money. (Car, dining room table, eating out etc.). Does he have concerns that you don't share or are possibly unaware of? Some men view themselves as hunter/gatherers and don't want to talk about their concerns when it comes to that role but it comes out in some of the issues you highlighted.

I was just going to say, you sure do want to spend a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Do you work?

[Anonymous]

Do you guys ever discuss this in a constructive manner. Pretty much all the examples you give involve spending money. He is obviously stressed about that. Maybe explore with him why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any easy answers for you but over the past year of our marriage (15 years) I noticed that no matter what I say to my DH he disagrees- "No" is his automatic answer. It's ridiculous to the point that our DCs noted it. He obviously realizes it b/c sometimes-after an egregious incident, he will back peddle a bit - yet it continues. It seems, at times, it's simply for the sake of disagreement.

If I were not able to encapsulate this behavior this way, it would indeed become an "irreconcilable difference in divorce court"

You all have spouses who feel the need for control and power over you and at home instead of partnership. You need to get him to be a team player and get the best ideas winning in your household. That means he also needs to generate ideas, think about options, communicate to decide mutually the best ones and then do it!

[Anonymous]

NP who has the same problem. I have attempted to talk with my husband about it. Since we got married, 20 years ago, it has never been a "good time" to talk about our credit card debt or finances. I tried in the car. I tried at home. I tried after a drink. I tried over dinner. I tried on the weekend. NO time was OK. I asked if I needed to spend less. I suggested money saving options. Nothing. He'd always say "Now is not a good time" ... and he meant now in terms of what bills we had and now in terms of he didn't want to talk it about it right then.

And before you go crazy, I'm very conservative, money wise. I work full time, and I make maybe 80% of what DH does. I worked part time for over 10 years while our kids were young. I'm not a spendthrift.

But at some point I had to either have the talk about it or just say F it all, and let it go. So, being the avoider that I am, I've stopped trying. I have no idea if we have any credit card debt any more. I just don't know. I don't want to talk with him about it. I want to sweep it under the rug, and he can deal with it (which he apparently does).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any easy answers for you but over the past year of our marriage (15 years) I noticed that no matter what I say to my DH he disagrees- "No" is his automatic answer. It's ridiculous to the point that our DCs noted it. He obviously realizes it b/c sometimes-after an egregious incident, he will back peddle a bit - yet it continues. It seems, at times, it's simply for the sake of disagreement.

If I were not able to encapsulate this behavior this way, it would indeed become an "irreconcilable difference in divorce court"

You all have spouses who feel the need for control and power over you and at home instead of partnership. You need to get him to be a team player and get the best ideas winning in your household. That means he also needs to generate ideas, think about options, communicate to decide mutually the best ones and then do it!

I'm the last poster who doesn't know what our CC debt might be, if any.
Is that it? Is this all about control? I've suspected it before, but he's pretty mild mannered, so it flies under the radar.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the feedback. While quite a few of these situations are about money, that’s not really the main issue most of the time. We both work full time and live comfortably. I wish it were just about money. That would be simpler to resolve. For example, we’ve expressed how hard it can be to take small children out for chores. His brother and sister in law have often offered to watch our kids. They offered again this weekend. I told DH we should take them up on the offer, buy them all pizza for lunch and do what we need to do in two hours. He waffles and insists it’s no big deal to take the kids- 3 under 7– with us. Why he wants them along to go to Home Depot and Costco who knows but it always ends up being stressful. That’s one example. In my mind it shouldn’t be a big deal to let relatives willing to watch them for a few hours help us out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP who has the same problem. I have attempted to talk with my husband about it. Since we got married, 20 years ago, it has never been a "good time" to talk about our credit card debt or finances. I tried in the car. I tried at home. I tried after a drink. I tried over dinner. I tried on the weekend. NO time was OK. I asked if I needed to spend less. I suggested money saving options. Nothing. He'd always say "Now is not a good time" ... and he meant now in terms of what bills we had and now in terms of he didn't want to talk it about it right then.

And before you go crazy, I'm very conservative, money wise. I work full time, and I make maybe 80% of what DH does. I worked part time for over 10 years while our kids were young. I'm not a spendthrift.

But at some point I had to either have the talk about it or just say F it all, and let it go. So, being the avoider that I am, I've stopped trying. I have no idea if we have any credit card debt any more. I just don't know. I don't want to talk with him about it. I want to sweep it under the rug, and he can deal with it (which he apparently does).

As the sister of someone exactly like you, I strongly urge you get a handle on your finances. My sister ignored as you do and divorce and then no money for retirement has been extremely difficult.