Never on the same page with DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP who has the same problem. I have attempted to talk with my husband about it. Since we got married, 20 years ago, it has never been a "good time" to talk about our credit card debt or finances. I tried in the car. I tried at home. I tried after a drink. I tried over dinner. I tried on the weekend. NO time was OK. I asked if I needed to spend less. I suggested money saving options. Nothing. He'd always say "Now is not a good time" ... and he meant now in terms of what bills we had and now in terms of he didn't want to talk it about it right then.

And before you go crazy, I'm very conservative, money wise. I work full time, and I make maybe 80% of what DH does. I worked part time for over 10 years while our kids were young. I'm not a spendthrift.

But at some point I had to either have the talk about it or just say F it all, and let it go. So, being the avoider that I am, I've stopped trying. I have no idea if we have any credit card debt any more. I just don't know. I don't want to talk with him about it. I want to sweep it under the rug, and he can deal with it (which he apparently does).

As the sister of someone exactly like you, I strongly urge you get a handle on your finances. My sister ignored as you do and divorce and then no money for retirement has been extremely difficult.

We have money for retirement. I know that, because I put all of my salary into retirement and mortgage. Paying down the mortgage, will be free and clear within 3 more years. So it isn't that. It is his disability to talk with me about it. I have paid off our credit card debt multiple times. But when I do that, it comes back. I'm old school, I'll pay my credit card bill off every single month in full. I have never had to pay an interest fee. Except as part of this marriage. But maybe the credit card debt is now paid off in full? I have no idea.

[Anonymous]

The vast majority of his issues sound like they are out of concern about money.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea if we have any credit card debt any more

This makes no sense. Pay the bills. YOU pay the bills. YOU take over paying the bills. ESPECIALLY if you make the majority of the money.

[Anonymous]

OP - stop talking, and just do

You talk too much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP who has the same problem. I have attempted to talk with my husband about it. Since we got married, 20 years ago, it has never been a "good time" to talk about our credit card debt or finances. I tried in the car. I tried at home. I tried after a drink. I tried over dinner. I tried on the weekend. NO time was OK. I asked if I needed to spend less. I suggested money saving options. Nothing. He'd always say "Now is not a good time" ... and he meant now in terms of what bills we had and now in terms of he didn't want to talk it about it right then.

And before you go crazy, I'm very conservative, money wise. I work full time, and I make maybe 80% of what DH does. I worked part time for over 10 years while our kids were young. I'm not a spendthrift.

But at some point I had to either have the talk about it or just say F it all, and let it go. So, being the avoider that I am, I've stopped trying. I have no idea if we have any credit card debt any more. I just don't know. I don't want to talk with him about it. I want to sweep it under the rug, and he can deal with it (which he apparently does).

As the sister of someone exactly like you, I strongly urge you get a handle on your finances. My sister ignored as you do and divorce and then no money for retirement has been extremely difficult.

We have money for retirement. I know that, because I put all of my salary into retirement and mortgage. Paying down the mortgage, will be free and clear within 3 more years. So it isn't that. It is his disability to talk with me about it. I have paid off our credit card debt multiple times. But when I do that, it comes back. I'm old school, I'll pay my credit card bill off every single month in full. I have never had to pay an interest fee. Except as part of this marriage. But maybe the credit card debt is now paid off in full? I have no idea.

So, when he divorces you, he’ll get 1/2 of the house and retirement $ (which you have entirely financed), he’ll ask you to pay half the credit card debt (and trust that there is a lot of it, bc he won’t discuss it with you). And he will sail off with his hidden accounts, which you have no idea about bc you’re too (scared/dumb?) to ask.

Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation. Sometimes he was right, sometimes I was, sometimes it was just difference in opinion
I just grew tired and we split. He grew tired, too. He was actually the one who moved out.
I don’t want to know who was right, I am happy now because even though I do most of it on my own, at least there is no one to spite me, undermine me, argue with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the feedback. While quite a few of these situations are about money, that’s not really the main issue most of the time. We both work full time and live comfortably. I wish it were just about money. That would be simpler to resolve. For example, we’ve expressed how hard it can be to take small children out for chores. His brother and sister in law have often offered to watch our kids. They offered again this weekend. I told DH we should take them up on the offer, buy them all pizza for lunch and do what we need to do in two hours. He waffles and insists it’s no big deal to take the kids- 3 under 7– with us. Why he wants them along to go to Home Depot and Costco who knows but it always ends up being stressful. That’s one example. In my mind it shouldn’t be a big deal to let relatives willing to watch them for a few hours help us out.

OMG stop negotiating everything. Just make the arrangements with the brother and be done with it. There’s no need to process everything. “Sally and Bob are watching the kids later today. After I drop them off, we can head over to Home Depot to pick out cabinets. I’m going for a run now. See you in 45 minutes.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the feedback. While quite a few of these situations are about money, that’s not really the main issue most of the time. We both work full time and live comfortably. I wish it were just about money. That would be simpler to resolve. For example, we’ve expressed how hard it can be to take small children out for chores. His brother and sister in law have often offered to watch our kids. They offered again this weekend. I told DH we should take them up on the offer, buy them all pizza for lunch and do what we need to do in two hours. He waffles and insists it’s no big deal to take the kids- 3 under 7– with us. Why he wants them along to go to Home Depot and Costco who knows but it always ends up being stressful. That’s one example. In my mind it shouldn’t be a big deal to let relatives willing to watch them for a few hours help us out.

OMG stop negotiating everything. Just make the arrangements with the brother and be done with it. There’s no need to process everything. “Sally and Bob are watching the kids later today. After I drop them off, we can head over to Home Depot to pick out cabinets. I’m going for a run now. See you in 45 minutes.”

OP here. Well yes, you are 100% correct. Some things just don’t need negotiating. But if I did such s thing DH would day they’re my kids too and he’s my brother and I say no.

I know. I have a bigger problem on my hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation. Sometimes he was right, sometimes I was, sometimes it was just difference in opinion
I just grew tired and we split. He grew tired, too. He was actually the one who moved out.
I don’t want to know who was right, I am happy now because even though I do most of it on my own, at least there is no one to spite me, undermine me, argue with me.

How many years did you stay married?

[Anonymous]

Compromise?

Listen to what the other person is saying and see if there are ways you can both win?

If none of that is possible, he wins sometimes (primarily, on stuff that matters more to him than you) and you win sometimes (primarily, on stuff that matters more to you than him).

Seems so obvious its hard for me to understand why people can't make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the feedback. While quite a few of these situations are about money, that’s not really the main issue most of the time. We both work full time and live comfortably. I wish it were just about money. That would be simpler to resolve. For example, we’ve expressed how hard it can be to take small children out for chores. His brother and sister in law have often offered to watch our kids. They offered again this weekend. I told DH we should take them up on the offer, buy them all pizza for lunch and do what we need to do in two hours. He waffles and insists it’s no big deal to take the kids- 3 under 7– with us. Why he wants them along to go to Home Depot and Costco who knows but it always ends up being stressful. That’s one example. In my mind it shouldn’t be a big deal to let relatives willing to watch them for a few hours help us out.

Let’s explore, when he says it’s “no big deal”, did you say, “wait, I think we may have had two different pictures of last week or maybe different ways of handling it. I felt like the kids argued for 15 minutes about who would push the cart, I had to stop Larlo from taking everything off the shelf and avoid a meltdown, and then one of us had to do potty breaks with the kids and the 1 hour trip took double that with the kids. What was your perception?” Then listen to see if you have two different perceptions of the same thing or he saw the same thing but says “yes, it brings back fond memories of me shopping with my family”

You are trying to get to the root of where the miscommunication is happening. You are are assuming he sees and hears the same things you do, it impacts him the same way it does you, and that he would make the same decision as you when he has the exact same perception of an issue and same impact. He is assuming the same about you. Sometimes with my DH it’s about different impact and once it is communicated explicitly normally we find a solution that plays to the person’s strength or tries to balance so one person isn’t always getting the brunt of what they don’t want. With the shopping thing, initially my DH would go on household errands on the weekends and I was home with both the kids. While that sounds great, they would alternately play and argue and trying to get them to clean up/clean their rooms would have me wish I was the one grocery shopping. I also couldn’t plan my errands/get out of the house because I didn’t know when DH would get back. Also, personality wise on the weekend DH doesn’t like to sit in the house and I’m recharging for the work week. We both had to discuss our perceptions and in the end after DH taking both kids, and them fighting like cats and dogs and him coming back to say why that wasn’t a fun time, the compromise was him alternating which one goes shopping with him. With just one, both the home and shopping experiences were very pleasant. He also gives the heads up on the timeframe for the errands so I can plan accordingly. And when we have to be the heavy to get the kids to clean, it’s a team effort and we share that fun. Now that worked well for us given our personalities, how our kids behave, and how we each are impacted by their behavior - someone else could come up with a completely different solution that works for them. Also, if DH and I had jumped to a solution without the the background discussion I could see being frustrated because you are coming in 3/4 of the way into the story assuming the person has read the same book and drawn the same conclusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the feedback. While quite a few of these situations are about money, that’s not really the main issue most of the time. We both work full time and live comfortably. I wish it were just about money. That would be simpler to resolve. For example, we’ve expressed how hard it can be to take small children out for chores. His brother and sister in law have often offered to watch our kids. They offered again this weekend. I told DH we should take them up on the offer, buy them all pizza for lunch and do what we need to do in two hours. He waffles and insists it’s no big deal to take the kids- 3 under 7– with us. Why he wants them along to go to Home Depot and Costco who knows but it always ends up being stressful. That’s one example. In my mind it shouldn’t be a big deal to let relatives willing to watch them for a few hours help us out.

I wrote a much longer paragraph about communicating but wanted to point out that you are missing key pieces of information. “We’ve expresses how hard it is to take out small kids on chores. Was it a we, or was it you and he went along with your statement? In his own words, how would he describe the experience? Would he really use the word stressful and if so does he think there is something he gets out of the experience that is worth the stress and if so what is it? If he either really isn’t stressed out, or feels he gets something out if it despite the stress, it makes sense to me why he wouldn’t want to bring them to his sister’s house. Once you have that information, you can go from there to talk about your experience and try to find a compromise. Steven Covey’s book about 7 habits of Highly Effective People mentions “Seek first to understand and then to be understood”

[Anonymous]

So you just want to spend money and he is more conservative with it?

[Anonymous]

Nobody pays people to watch kids when they go to Home Depot or Costco, based on Gaithersburg Costo, it is a legit family outing for grandparents, parents and kids. You sound slightly weird.

[Anonymous]

All communication problems stem from people not actually listening and hearing what the other person is saying. You think you are but you are not, while he is talking and vice versa you are already thinking of your reply and your counterargument, rather than focusing on what is being said and meant. Next time ask him to let you finish talking and truly listen without judgement, and you do the same. Right now, you talk and he talks and nobody knows what the other person said and thinks and why.