Never on the same page with DH

[Anonymous]

I agree that your big problem is communication. You think that you communicate a problem, but in fact, you are pushing a solution to a problem that he doesn't agree with, then you think he doesn't agree there is a problem. He wants to have a say in the solution, but you interpret it as disagreeing that there is a problem.

You want to get take-out, he wants to cook. So, the issue is you don't want to cook. You suggest take-out. He doesn't want to spend the money and suggests cooking, which seems to mean that you cook. If you say you don't want to cook, then he has the option to suggest that he cooks or go with your suggestion to get take-out (or the family goes out). If you say "Let's get takeout" and he says "No, let's stay and cook." you are at an impasse. If you say "I don't want to cook, can we get takeout?" then he has a say. He can offer to cook or agree with your suggested solution. Instead without stating that the problem is that you don't want to cook, he only has the choice to agree or veto and he vetoes.

Most of your problems seem to stem from how you frame things. You find a problem, analyze it in your head and you only go to him with your proposed solution. He's not actually included in the discussion because he's faced with the solution you offer and has to accept or veto. You need to find a way to give him the problem without your framing the solution and let him in on the decision making process. His resistance seems to be from you cutting him out of the decision process and only offering a take-it-or-leave-it option.

You want the kids in an activity, but you tell him you want to sign the kids up with soccer. He says no. If you say you want the kids in an activity, perhaps he can find other activities that don't cost money (or as much).

You want a date night, tell him that you want to spend time with him away from the TV and let him help decide the option. Maybe the option is to go for a date "night" Saturday afternoon instead of Friday evening when he is tired from work and just wants to veg out on the couch.

Another suggestion is to find some of the basic gender communication books to see how phrasing means different things to women and men because of how we are trained differently to interpret phrasing. I personally liked the Deborah Tannen books "That's Not What I Meant" and "You Just Don't Understand" but there are a number of good books (also John Gray's "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars").