WWYD - DD being sexually harassed by boy in school but doesn't want to report it

[Anonymous]

Could use some advice/perspective. There's a boy in DD's high school, a grade above her, who is viewed by a lot of the girls as "creepy." Stares at girls, comes on to them, can't take no for an answer. Overall, though, DD never had any particular issues with him and said they got along okay (they are at a small school and everyone knows everyone). This boy seems to have turned his attention to DD lately, however, and has been pestering her to go out with him for over a week. She said no, thank you, not interested, politely, but he kept badgering her about it both in person and by text, including during classes at school. When she kept saying no and finally told him he was making her uncomfortable, he got angry and abusive, and started telling her she was lucky he has asked her out because no one else would be interested in her, she was lucky he told her she's pretty because no one else would think that, etc.

DD told him his behavior was inappropriate, then blocked him on text and social media. But she came home in tears, fearing that he will now make up stories about her and try to turn other kids against her. She was sobbing uncontrollably: mix of anger ("he has no right to act that way or say those things, it's wrong"); shame "what did I do that made him act this way? Maybe it's my fault"); humiliation ("maybe he's right that no one else would ever want to go out with me and I'm not pretty"); and fear of retaliation ("What if he makes up stories about me and other people believe him?").

I urged her to report this to the school, or at least discuss it with the counselor. Another girl saw most of the texts etc and would back her up. But she doesn't want to do that, because she is afraid that it will "just make things worse." Which I totally get.

But... I also think this kid will keep acting this way, either to her or to other girls, unless/until it gets reported.

I am not sure, what, if anything, I should do.

I could:

- do nothing at all except provide hugs and a sympathetic ear (DD's preference);
- call the boy's parents and speak to them privately, urging them to speak to their son about boundaries and sexual harassment without using DD's name (but knowing that may not respect that);
- speak to the school counselor myself but ask that she keep it confidential and just be aware and keep an eye on the situation;
- speak to the dean of students myself and ask that the school investigate.

Any thoughts? How would you handle this? I want to respect DD's preferences but also worry that in the long run, not reporting this will just make it worse, for others in the future even if not for her.

[Anonymous]

You tell your DD you are filing a police report and then do it. Inform the school second.

Your DD is too good to be treated this way.

[Anonymous]

I would report his behavior to his parents. Show them the texts. Not sure if the school/police would need to be involved unless there was a crime.

I think it will work itself out, but your DD shouldn't feel ashamed of this and this boy needs to know that there are consequences for his behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Unfortunately the texts were mostly on snapchat and now gone.... so aside from DD's word and that (potentially) of the friend who saw some of the texts, no evidence....

[Anonymous]

I think you need to go to school leadership or the counselor. Parents suck at dealing with this type of situation, especially when their son's reputation/future is on the line. Your goals are to 1) inform the school that one of their students is behaving badly and 2) give them information that will help them if this is already a pattern (or becomes one in the future).

Write down as much detail as you have about what happened. Ask your daughter to keep screenshots of future messages. Keep a record. The reality is that it takes MULTIPLE women reporting shitty behavior by the same man until anyone pays attention.

Also, I'd encourage you to try to get your daughter set up with an outside counselor to talk through this situation - these kinds of experiences are really traumatizing and your kid is young and impressionable. I'm sorry she's going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tell your DD you are filing a police report and then do it. Inform the school second.

Your DD is too good to be treated this way.

What illegal act was done?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this is tough. I would speak confidentiality to someone at the school to alert them to what happened. Who knows- maybe he’s done this to other girls.

Also sounds like a lot of (continued) talks with your daughter are needed to make sure she isn’t internalizing this but also to let her know all of her feelings are normal and that she didn’t do anything wrong. This type of thing has happened to many of us - she is not alone. And that there’s always a fear of retaliation or embarrassment when reporting things like this, but try to encourage her to see the importance of doing so.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I wouldn't report it to the parents. Seems unlikely that would be effective.

Tough situation, though.

I'd lean towards talking to a counselor at the school though. To at least have someone else aware. Maybe even document something with an email.

Maybe there is some way a counselor could help without being obvious that you daughter reported anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Unfortunately the texts were mostly on snapchat and now gone.... so aside from DD's word and that (potentially) of the friend who saw some of the texts, no evidence....

This. When our DD and DS wanted snap chat we asked that if there were ever anything threatening sent to them via snap that they grab a screen shot of it. Our DD was in a similar situation as Op's, thankfully she listened to us and screen shot those messages which we promptly sent to the young man's father and mother. His behavior ceased immediately.

[Anonymous]

I would give the parents a chance to right this. I bet most parents of young boys who behave this way would want to know, and appreciate the opportunity to nip this behavior in the bud!

[Anonymous]

I would have DD immediately write down everything she remembers as best as possible and have her send it to to me via email to create a dated record. I would speak to school counselor to monitor for the time being. I would have Dd send him a message and copy you that says not to contact her or speak to her again or she will report to school. Then do so. Continue to keep records of every contact and be prepared to file a restraining order.

[Anonymous]

If he is known as the school creep, then no one is going to give any weight to anything he says and I doubt he has any influence to turn anyone against her.

I get that your daughter is a teen but she should probably see a counselor anyways. If her self worth is so fragile that two rude texts from a creepy guy that everyone knows is creepy and she is questioning herself and asking herself those questions - her confidence is very, very low.

I would tell her to talk to the school counsellor. She can start by telling part of the story if she isn't comfortable saying everything - she can say he was bothering her , she asked him to stop, he got rude by text - and she can approach it in a manner of asking the counsellor for suggestions on what to do next (vs seeing it as reporting the boy). She should also talk to the counsellor about her self confidence and working on building resilience and her sense of self-worth.

[Anonymous]

OP here. FWIW I don't think this was a crime for the police to deal with - but I do think it is a violation of the school's behavioral code (and, generally, just a shitty way to behave...)

I have never met the parents so it would definitely be awkward to call them out of the blue...

[Anonymous]

The school has obviously ignored his behavior for years. At least CALL the police department to see what they advice. Or walk in if you’d rather talk to someone in person.

This is important. The boy sounds like a rapist in the making.

[Anonymous]

I’d talk to the school. Talking to the parents is rarely a good move, especially with no proof. The school should be made aware that he’s doing this.

We made a rule at our house that we’d never go behind our kids’ backs and tell the teachers something they didn’t want to share. However, as parents, we reserve the right to talk to the school for safety reasons. We’ll inform the kids, and they don’t have to be involved if they don’t want to, but sometimes the school needs to know. I’d consider this one of those times.