WWYD - DD being sexually harassed by boy in school but doesn't want to report it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d talk to the school. Talking to the parents is rarely a good move, especially with no proof. The school should be made aware that he’s doing this.

We made a rule at our house that we’d never go behind our kids’ backs and tell the teachers something they didn’t want to share. However, as parents, we reserve the right to talk to the school for safety reasons. We’ll inform the kids, and they don’t have to be involved if they don’t want to, but sometimes the school needs to know. I’d consider this one of those times.

+1. Good policy.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would talk to the school too. This boy needs to have a record of his inappropriate contact with girls.

[Anonymous]

Had a similar experience with our DD a few years ago.
A couple of things:
Where is the school? Different jurisdictions have different laws (in DC there is anti-bullying laws on the books.)
Don’t talk to the parents, they may or may not be able to have an open conversation about this, so you could come away with nothing resolved.
Snapchat images do not entirely disappear; phone companies have produced images upon being subpoenaed.
Before talking to the school, I would touch base with a victims advocacy group , both to get a sense of what are the options in your area as well as how the particular school responds to issues (some are great but some prefer to handle issues “in house” to minimize any issues.
If you choose to work with the school, put your energy & focus on your daughter &’her needs. Due to FERPA, the school will
be unable to share any “intervention” regarding the boy, except where it regards any interaction between your daughter & the boy.
Finally, hugs to you OP, so sorry your DD has to go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't even think it makes the boy a rotten kid... it sounds like he is just insecure and very immature, and maybe has generally poor social skills. (If he doesn't understand why staring at girls and pestering them after they have said no is not a great way to win friends and influence people...)

But it's one thing to do this as a kid and another to keep doing it as an adult. If no one calls him on it and tries to get him to understand why this is not the right way to handle it when he likes a girl and gets rejected, he will definitely keep doing it.

Absolutely not!

In middle school, it’s excusable, in high school it’s not.
I have boys, I’ve seen boys get in trouble about that in middle school because they were clueless, not nasty. Once they reach high school, any normal boy KNOWS he cannot act this way. Unless he’s a psychopath.

This is serious, OP.

It's not excusable in middle school either (or in elementary). I was a school counselor and would have ABSOLUTELY have wanted to know if one of my students was experiencing this OR if one was acting this way. No matter the age boys have to be taught what's acceptable (and experience consequences if harassing and bullying behavior continues). No exceptions. Poor social skills? Not an excuse. Immature? Not an excuse. Anyone can learn to to treat a person with respect, if they chose not to then alternative measures should be in place.

OP, if it were my daughter this is what I would do:

-Both you and DD write down everything you remember with as much detail as you can (you may each forget bits so it's good that you both do this) Location, times, frequency and language/gestures used
-Explain to DD that that if this situation is not dealt with head on, this boy's behavior will not stop (with her or others)
-Find a therapist for DD ASAP (your school counselor should be able to provide you with recommendations)
-Screen shot ALL future communication (even if it is not deemed threatening in the moment)
-Request a meeting with the school counselor and the head of the division (or head of school depending on who you consider an ally). Both parents or you and a relative should attend. It's often best to have someone else there for you.
-Fully document this meeting and be specific with your requests, i.e.- DD not in same class for the remainder of time in school (DD should NOT be the one moved), school should contact the parents, etc..
-Schedule a follow up meeting before you leave that meeting (all involved should feel the urgency).

Best of luck to you both. This really stinks.

[Anonymous]

Please tell the school. This is worrisome behavior, and especially as it doesn't sound like an isolated incident with only your daughter. This kid should definitely be on the school's radar, if he isn't already. Please let them know, for the sake of your daughter, other girls, and the kid himself.
And please give your daughter the clear message that this behavior is not acceptable, and this is about the boy, not her.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Meant to add, I think it's a common response for the recipient to not want to tell people for fear of making things worse - that is how the perpetrator keeps getting away with it. And the victim turns inward and starts trying to figure out what is wrong with herself or what she did to cause it. Or is just afraid of repercussions, and that fear is so isolating.
But you need to step in to give the clear message that this is harassment and is not okay. I hope the school does the same.

[Anonymous]

If your DD is telling you about it understand that this is the tip of the iceberg. Have her make some screenshots and write down what he’s saying. If it’s a private school go to them. Forget the parents they never think their glorious son EVER did anything wrong. That’s how he got that way in the first place. signed BTDT with DD

[Anonymous]

My kid had an issue in late ES with another student physically harassing her. She was so embarrassed that she didn't want to tell anyone (she didn't even tell me right away although I knew something was going on) but I explained that while I respected her opinion, this was an issue of emotional and physical safety. So either she went to the counselor, or I would. She chose to go on her own and the counselor, along with the other kids teacher, did take steps to address the issue but unfortunately that wasn't enough. That's when I got involved, looping in DDs classroom teacher and the principal. Things changed pretty quickly after that.

[Anonymous]

Man, parent of a boy and person who works with people with developmental disabilities. This is not "clueless" behavior.

Any neurotypical boy absolutely knows that this is wrong. This kid sounds like he needs help, but he's definitely not a normal kid who is just clueless. This situation sounds potentially dangerous and creepy (and yes, some of the people I work with are sex offenders, and this sounds like stuff they would say/do, although they are mostly cognitively impaired enough that it would be more obvious).

I'd definitely talk to the school.

[Anonymous]

Contact the school. Reach out to the counselor and the principal and email them so it's on record. This will force them to do something. I would not hesitate in this situation. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

On top of all the other advice teach your daughter how to take screenshots and practice with her in each app she uses to communicate with friends and this classmate. That will give you (and the school) more information and give your daughter something else proactive she can do to help herself.

[Anonymous]

So, if she is embarrassed when she did nothing wrong and someone else is at fault, isn't she already internalizing this?

I think you need to tell her that abusers WNAT their victims to feel shame and stay quiet, and that is exactly what you will NOT do. And then go to the school, first via the counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, if she is embarrassed when she did nothing wrong and someone else is at fault, isn't she already internalizing this?

I think you need to tell her that abusers WNAT their victims to feel shame and stay quiet, and that is exactly what you will NOT do. And then go to the school, first via the counselor.

I think it’s also important to point out to your DD that she is strong and has come to you openly because she has a solid and open relationship and she trusts you. There may be other girls already or in the future who do not have people to help them and keeping silent is harmful because it empowers him.

Reassure her that her reputation is sound and he won’t malign her because that would risk putting herself as being rejected. He’s not going to do that. He’s merely back-peddling to save face. Remind her that right now she wields the power and she needs to be strong enough to use it for good reasons. He needs help and clearly no one in his circle is looking out for him and helping him get it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, everyone. I told DD last night that I strongly believed she or I should speak to the counselor. She said she had spoken to a couple of other girls an out possibly going in together but wanted to discuss it with them some more first. I said ok and we agreed to discuss again tonight. Your comments have been very helpful. I think that if DD does not want to speak to the counselor herself I will tell her that I need to.

[Anonymous]

That's what dad's are for.