WWYD - DD being sexually harassed by boy in school but doesn't want to report it

[Anonymous]

I don't even think it makes the boy a rotten kid... it sounds like he is just insecure and very immature, and maybe has generally poor social skills. (If he doesn't understand why staring at girls and pestering them after they have said no is not a great way to win friends and influence people...)

But it's one thing to do this as a kid and another to keep doing it as an adult. If no one calls him on it and tries to get him to understand why this is not the right way to handle it when he likes a girl and gets rejected, he will definitely keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

1. Videos/Screenshots of next attacks, because there will be others. Carry silenced phone in a cardigan pocket ready to whip out, even against phone rules.

2. Immediate call and meeting with head of school to alert them that your child has been harassed. Explain his history of leering and not taking no for an answer. Bring the witness, and others he’s done this to, and tell administration that this student needs mental health help and is likely to become violent in the future. Cite mass shooters fitting that description. Schools are very sensitive to such threats.

3. You can always call the police to ask what your daughter should do and give them the name of the student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. FWIW I don't think this was a crime for the police to deal with - but I do think it is a violation of the school's behavioral code (and, generally, just a shitty way to behave...)

I have never met the parents so it would definitely be awkward to call them out of the blue...

Harassment actually IS a crime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even think it makes the boy a rotten kid... it sounds like he is just insecure and very immature, and maybe has generally poor social skills. (If he doesn't understand why staring at girls and pestering them after they have said no is not a great way to win friends and influence people...)

But it's one thing to do this as a kid and another to keep doing it as an adult. If no one calls him on it and tries to get him to understand why this is not the right way to handle it when he likes a girl and gets rejected, he will definitely keep doing it.

Absolutely not!

In middle school, it’s excusable, in high school it’s not.
I have boys, I’ve seen boys get in trouble about that in middle school because they were clueless, not nasty. Once they reach high school, any normal boy KNOWS he cannot act this way. Unless he’s a psychopath.

This is serious, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. FWIW I don't think this was a crime for the police to deal with - but I do think it is a violation of the school's behavioral code (and, generally, just a shitty way to behave...)

I have never met the parents so it would definitely be awkward to call them out of the blue...

Harassment actually IS a crime.

No. In and of itself, what this kid did is not a criminal offense under DC law (or the law of any jurisdiction I'm aware of). Sexual harassment can be a tort or a violation of anti-discrimination laws. When it is accompanied by threats, stalking, unwanted touching or coercion, it is a crime. But noxious as it is, leering, pestering a girl to go out with you, and getting pissed and mean when she does not is not, in itself, a crime.

I think what this boy's behavior was appalling. It should be reported to the school and to his parents. But it is not a matter for the police.

[Anonymous]

A clear message that can be documented needs to be send to him indicating he is not to contact or approach her ever again, due to his continued harassment.

I would contact the school. My parents had to do it for me, after the insults turned to a death threat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The school has obviously ignored his behavior for years. At least CALL the police department to see what they advice. Or walk in if you’d rather talk to someone in person.

This is important. The boy sounds like a rapist in the making.

Private school? If they are ignoring his behavior, most likely they will continue to do so.

Does your daughter think it will stop? I would follow her lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d talk to the school. Talking to the parents is rarely a good move, especially with no proof. The school should be made aware that he’s doing this.

We made a rule at our house that we’d never go behind our kids’ backs and tell the teachers something they didn’t want to share. However, as parents, we reserve the right to talk to the school for safety reasons. We’ll inform the kids, and they don’t have to be involved if they don’t want to, but sometimes the school needs to know. I’d consider this one of those times.

+1. Good policy.

[Anonymous]

Tell the school.

[Anonymous]

Tell the school + sometimes you, as the parent, need to override your child's decisions. This is one of those times imo.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I would start with the school counselor. If they are any kind of decent school at all, they will take this seriously.

Let the counselor know that if the behavior doesn't change immediately, you will consider filing a police report.

Be upfront with your DD - she is being bullied and sexually harassed, and as her parent, you're going to do your job and make it stop. I had to say that to DS when he was being bullied. In some ways, it's a relief for kids when adults step in with a "nope" and make things stop.

[Anonymous]

Notify the school.

Get your daughter outside counseling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tell your DD you are filing a police report and then do it. Inform the school second.

Your DD is too good to be treated this way.

You are an idiot and I truly hope not an actual parent. There is no crime to report and, once again, for the people in the back, you don't tie up the police's time with this nonsense until either 1) an actual crime has been committed, b) you have evidence to support allegations and/or 3) you've already exhausted all other options. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't even think it makes the boy a rotten kid... it sounds like he is just insecure and very immature, and maybe has generally poor social skills. (If he doesn't understand why staring at girls and pestering them after they have said no is not a great way to win friends and influence people...)

But it's one thing to do this as a kid and another to keep doing it as an adult. If no one calls him on it and tries to get him to understand why this is not the right way to handle it when he likes a girl and gets rejected, he will definitely keep doing it.

Absolutely not!

In middle school, it’s excusable, in high school it’s not.
I have boys, I’ve seen boys get in trouble about that in middle school because they were clueless, not nasty. Once they reach high school, any normal boy KNOWS he cannot act this way. Unless he’s a psychopath.

This is serious, OP.

Another mother of boys here, and I'm for going to the school counselor. This sort of behavior reflects an attitude that may just be creepy now but can become dangerous later. Let's stop making excuses like "insecure" for behavior that shows a total lack of respect for boundaries.

[Anonymous]

You need to go to the school. This is the time override her wishes. Start with the counselor, do NOT ask for it to be confidential. But start with the counselor and the counselor should both address this with both kids separately and there should be discipline consequences from whoever does that. The counselor will quietly interview/ask the other witness to the messages for their statement.

Your dd is young and just wants the situation to go away. She doesn't have enough life experience yet to realize that sometimes you have to speak up because it won't go away on its own. You need to do what is right for her, and separately, this is what is right for this other boy. His behavior is unacceptable and is going to land him in jail later if he doesn't have consequences now.