Accountability- without blame?

[Anonymous]

I’m engaged and I would like some advice on how to hold my fiancé accountable for his actions.

Six months ago my fiancé was suspended from his job for failing to follow company procedures. A week after being suspended, he was fired, along with 3 of his managers. He and his managers worked in sales and were throwing in unauthorized perks and discounts to improve their sales. FH admit that he knew it was not right but he thought that since his managers approved that he would be covered if corporate ever had questions. He was obviously very wrong.

With this action it has been very difficult for him to find employment. He recently landed a part time Job that pays less than 30% of what he brought in before and all that money goes to pay for his fines..

The financial burden has been left on me to provide for our home. My wedding has been cancelled because the expense is to great. We are opting for a courthouse option instead at a later date. It was originally going to be held September 19th. That maybe influencing how I’m currently feeling.

The reason for this post is because my fiancé was so distraught over this whole ordeal, that I really wanted to focus on his mental health and let him know I still by his side. But I have failed to articulate how this whole thing makes me feel, how angry I am and so hurt. I feel like it’s petty for me to bring up the lost of my wedding but it really hurts. I worked 2 jobs for 5 years to put myself in a good financial position and just like that it was washed away. I had just quit my 2nd job when I met FH so he wasn’t there to see the blood sweat and tears I poured into my savings. And I want to tell him.

I had one major outburst in May when I was asking him to help me with the budget and he flat out refused. He said that he had nothing to offer and so therefore I don’t need his help. I told him that he can kill the passive aggressive BS and that I don’t feel sorry for him. I only feel sorry for myself.

I believe that I offered my forgiveness to soon without him understanding the consequences of how his decisions impacted me. My savings are gone, my HSA has been depleted (FH is diabetic and it was used to cover his supplies). I also added him to my insurance.

I don’t know how to hold him accountable for something like this? Or if I even should. I know he already feels guilty and emasculated but I think it’s more so because he is a man without a job and not necessarily because of what this has done to me. Should that even matter?

I want to be compassionate without being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Postpone the wedding for 1 year and make an exit plan jic.

[Anonymous]

WHY are you marrying him? Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Have you guys done any premarital counseling?

[Anonymous]

Also where are your savings? Lost deposits for the wedding or sunk costs, or have you gone through all of it to support the two of you with daily expenses?

Finally, what do you mean by "fines" He is paying back the company or he was convicted of a crime (if so you should be out of there)?

[Anonymous]

I would not marry him until he gets a decent paying job and is making some contributions to your expenses. He needs a slap upside the head and postponing the marriage would be a good slap. If six months from now he’s in the same position as he is today I’d move on.

[Anonymous]

How much was he making before and how much is he making now? From what you wrote, he was trying to improve his sales numbers but it's not like he was outright stealing from the company even if his actions impacted their profit margin so I'm not sure I would say he was acting in bad faith such that he needs your forgiveness for losing his job.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP but you may be dodging a bullet here - you probably love him and love can make you blind to some serious red flags here. There are three important red flags: (1) he showed dishonesty and lack of ethics at work - and doesn't seem to have taken accountability for it (2) he doesn't seem to care how you feel - he is dismissive about your feeling it sounds; and (3) he is passive aggressive communicator. You are enabling him by continuing to support him, and if you are married you will be liable to pay for his creditor obligations.

Since you have cancelled the formal wedding, I would delay your official wedding to 2020 until you figure some more out. Seriously, I feel like there is more he is hiding. Let him pay off his fines himself, and work his ass off for a while. You should not have to carry the burden of his mistakes.

How old are you? Do either of you have kids? Why the rush to get married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Postpone the wedding for 1 year and make an exit plan jic.

I am. To be honest- I can walk away anytime without anything to lose.

I am not on rental lease both the property manager and owner know I live there ( moved in March 2018), but none has asked us to update the rental agreement. When FH renewed the lease they didn't add me and after this incident, I wasn't going to ask them too. All utilities are in his name, as well. We do share a phone plan that is also in his name.

I can be gone in the blind of an eye, if I need to.

Anonymous wrote:WHY are you marrying him? Jesus.

I am not sure if I am. I know its cliche but I love him. But I don't want to sacrifice my life for anything less than I deserve. Right now I am committed to trying to fix this, but that may not always be the case. Either way, whatever decision I make, I want to be certain and I am just not there yet.

[Anonymous]

It's only been 6 months--maybe he will get his life together... Give him a deadline and move on. Also, why/how could you add him to your insurance if you are not married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only been 6 months--maybe he will get his life together... Give him a deadline and move on. Also, why/how could you add him to your insurance if you are not married?

Also, how was your HSA used for his medical supplies if you’re not married yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also where are your savings? Lost deposits for the wedding or sunk costs, or have you gone through all of it to support the two of you with daily expenses?

Finally, what do you mean by "fines" He is paying back the company or he was convicted of a crime (if so you should be out of there)?

I haven't lost any money towards the wedding. We actually about to pay our first deposit when I all of this happened. Right now I am covering our living expenses, plus my student loans and both of our car payments. We have had car issues and a variety of expenses to pop up. I slowly used my savings to keep us afloat. I didn't have much to begin with, just enough to pay my half of the rent and car payment for 6 months if I ever lost my job. I was only the Dave Ramsey plan and I was bringing him on board when all this happened.

The day he was suspended his managers were arrested on embezzlement charges. When they called FH back up to the office a week later, we didn't know what to expect so he went with an attorney. They decided to not press charges but instead he has to pay them back damages totaling $13,000 (over 3 years). In order for them to agree to this his he had to pay almost half up front (as a faith based payment) and then monthly payments until it is settled. My knowledge is this is this same penalty of the managers, although they were charged. No one was given jail time.

I have not paid a single cent towards his fines and I absolutely refuse to. I did pay $800 to the attorney (friend of a friend) and he did the rest pro bono. I don't much about the legality of it. I was on the call when he provided us with our options and we made the decision together. I didn't attend any meetings myself because I had just started a new job and was in my first 90 days. I didn't want to miss work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’m engaged and I would like some advice on how to hold my fiancé accountable for his actions.

Six months ago my fiancé was suspended from his job for failing to follow company procedures. A week after being suspended, he was fired, along with 3 of his managers. He and his managers worked in sales and were throwing in unauthorized perks and discounts to improve their sales. FH admit that he knew it was not right but he thought that since his managers approved that he would be covered if corporate ever had questions. He was obviously very wrong.

With this action it has been very difficult for him to find employment. He recently landed a part time Job that pays less than 30% of what he brought in before and all that money goes to pay for his fines..

The financial burden has been left on me to provide for our home. My wedding has been cancelled because the expense is to great. We are opting for a courthouse option instead at a later date. It was originally going to be held September 19th. That maybe influencing how I’m currently feeling.

The reason for this post is because my fiancé was so distraught over this whole ordeal, that I really wanted to focus on his mental health and let him know I still by his side. But I have failed to articulate how this whole thing makes me feel, how angry I am and so hurt. I feel like it’s petty for me to bring up the lost of my wedding but it really hurts. I worked 2 jobs for 5 years to put myself in a good financial position and just like that it was washed away. I had just quit my 2nd job when I met FH so he wasn’t there to see the blood sweat and tears I poured into my savings. And I want to tell him.

I had one major outburst in May when I was asking him to help me with the budget and he flat out refused. He said that he had nothing to offer and so therefore I don’t need his help. I told him that he can kill the passive aggressive BS and that I don’t feel sorry for him. I only feel sorry for myself.

I believe that I offered my forgiveness to soon without him understanding the consequences of how his decisions impacted me. My savings are gone, my HSA has been depleted (FH is diabetic and it was used to cover his supplies). I also added him to my insurance.

I don’t know how to hold him accountable for something like this? Or if I even should. I know he already feels guilty and emasculated but I think it’s more so because he is a man without a job and not necessarily because of what this has done to me. Should that even matter?

I want to be compassionate without being a doormat.

You sound awful too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much was he making before and how much is he making now? From what you wrote, he was trying to improve his sales numbers but it's not like he was outright stealing from the company even if his actions impacted their profit margin so I'm not sure I would say he was acting in bad faith such that he needs your forgiveness for losing his job.

I am amending this earlier post based upon your subsequently posted information. If they were arrested for embezzlement it sounds like he was doing a lot more than giving out a few discounts. It's one thing to push for a competitive edge or to make your performance look better than it is but it's quite another thing for that to rise to the level of embezzlement. My only qualification here is assuming the Company accurately represented the facts. Perhaps you can briefly chat with the lawyer to find out exactly what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I’m engaged and I would like some advice on how to hold my fiancé accountable for his actions.

Six months ago my fiancé was suspended from his job for failing to follow company procedures. A week after being suspended, he was fired, along with 3 of his managers. He and his managers worked in sales and were throwing in unauthorized perks and discounts to improve their sales. FH admit that he knew it was not right but he thought that since his managers approved that he would be covered if corporate ever had questions. He was obviously very wrong.

With this action it has been very difficult for him to find employment. He recently landed a part time Job that pays less than 30% of what he brought in before and all that money goes to pay for his fines..

The financial burden has been left on me to provide for our home. My wedding has been cancelled because the expense is to great. We are opting for a courthouse option instead at a later date. It was originally going to be held September 19th. That maybe influencing how I’m currently feeling.

The reason for this post is because my fiancé was so distraught over this whole ordeal, that I really wanted to focus on his mental health and let him know I still by his side. But I have failed to articulate how this whole thing makes me feel, how angry I am and so hurt. I feel like it’s petty for me to bring up the lost of my wedding but it really hurts. I worked 2 jobs for 5 years to put myself in a good financial position and just like that it was washed away. I had just quit my 2nd job when I met FH so he wasn’t there to see the blood sweat and tears I poured into my savings. And I want to tell him.

I had one major outburst in May when I was asking him to help me with the budget and he flat out refused. He said that he had nothing to offer and so therefore I don’t need his help. I told him that he can kill the passive aggressive BS and that I don’t feel sorry for him. I only feel sorry for myself.

I believe that I offered my forgiveness to soon without him understanding the consequences of how his decisions impacted me. My savings are gone, my HSA has been depleted (FH is diabetic and it was used to cover his supplies). I also added him to my insurance.

I don’t know how to hold him accountable for something like this? Or if I even should. I know he already feels guilty and emasculated but I think it’s more so because he is a man without a job and not necessarily because of what this has done to me. Should that even matter?

I want to be compassionate without being a doormat.

You sound awful too

Ignore this person - you have every right not to be steamrolled here and to find your place / opinion on this - it's not like you are married yet - you are under no obligation to stay with him right now.