Accountability- without blame?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also where are your savings? Lost deposits for the wedding or sunk costs, or have you gone through all of it to support the two of you with daily expenses?

Finally, what do you mean by "fines" He is paying back the company or he was convicted of a crime (if so you should be out of there)?

I haven't lost any money towards the wedding. We actually about to pay our first deposit when I all of this happened. Right now I am covering our living expenses, plus my student loans and both of our car payments. We have had car issues and a variety of expenses to pop up. I slowly used my savings to keep us afloat. I didn't have much to begin with, just enough to pay my half of the rent and car payment for 6 months if I ever lost my job. I was only the Dave Ramsey plan and I was bringing him on board when all this happened.

The day he was suspended his managers were arrested on embezzlement charges. When they called FH back up to the office a week later, we didn't know what to expect so he went with an attorney. They decided to not press charges but instead he has to pay them back damages totaling $13,000 (over 3 years). In order for them to agree to this his he had to pay almost half up front (as a faith based payment) and then monthly payments until it is settled. My knowledge is this is this same penalty of the managers, although they were charged. No one was given jail time.

I have not paid a single cent towards his fines and I absolutely refuse to. I did pay $800 to the attorney (friend of a friend) and he did the rest pro bono. I don't much about the legality of it. I was on the call when he provided us with our options and we made the decision together. I didn't attend any meetings myself because I had just started a new job and was in my first 90 days. I didn't want to miss work.

It sounds to me like your fiance has not made more strides towards solving this problem himself because he feels like he can rely on you to support him. If you don't want to support him, then don't. Don't pay his car payment, for starters. Look at your budget and determine what you can cut and then cut that. You are the only one really bringing in money at this point. If you were not in his life, how would he afford to pay these things off? Tell him to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Postpone the wedding for 1 year and make an exit plan jic.

I am. To be honest- I can walk away anytime without anything to lose.

I am not on rental lease both the property manager and owner know I live there ( moved in March 2018), but none has asked us to update the rental agreement. When FH renewed the lease they didn't add me and after this incident, I wasn't going to ask them too. All utilities are in his name, as well. We do share a phone plan that is also in his name.

I can be gone in the blind of an eye, if I need to.

Anonymous wrote:WHY are you marrying him? Jesus.

I am not sure if I am. I know its cliche but I love him. But I don't want to sacrifice my life for anything less than I deserve. Right now I am committed to trying to fix this, but that may not always be the case. Either way, whatever decision I make, I want to be certain and I am just not there yet.

New poster.
OP, while YOU are "committed to fixing this," he is not. And does not sound like he's going to get to that point. While it's sensitive and kind of you to see that he likely feels emasculated--he put himself in that position. You didn't. And he has shown you who he really is with his behavior at work (if there were fines and his bosses were arrested, more was going on than you seem to be able to admit to yourself). A man who would get into that position at work without major contrition at home and serious work on himself morally and emotionally is not, not, not someone to trust your life, future finances and future children with. You love him. But love is not enough for marriage, no matter what fairy tales you'll hear on DCUM or elsewhere. Trust, responsibility, maturity, a functioning moral compass, the ability to admit when one is wrong--without those, love is lovely only until something like this happens. You got your wake-up call before marrying. Are you going to hear it or not?

[Anonymous]

Get out while you can.

You next posts if you marry will consist of one and/or some of the following:
-My husband isnt motivated in his career
-My husband cannot hold a job and its impacting our marriage
-I am starting to resent my husband
-My husband doesnt support my career goals
-I am in a rut in my marriage
-Did I miss the warning signs?
-He promised a bigger wedding after we got married in court and we are still struggling
-He keeps putting off children
-My husband keeps hiding certain aspects of his life from me


You either read this forum every day and think this is how marriage is and will go through with getting married, or you wake up, leave, and thank god you dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Oh dear lord, stop enabling him! He needs to be covering his share of expenses, even if it means that he gets a second or third job. Instead, it sounds like he just has his head in the sand and is letting you handle everything without regard to the impact on you. This man will make a terrible partner! He has shown you his true self, and now you know that doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. That you’ll be the only adult in the relationship. And that instead of being grateful for what you do he’ll be a passive aggressive jerk in order to justify in his mind his inabilities. Why would you waste any more time in this relationship? Find a new place to live and tell him that you are moving out to give him space to get it together. You don’t need to make a specific decision about whether the wedding is off right now, but he needs to show you that he can make serious changes to his life before it is rescheduled. And I’ll talking about over the course of a good 18-24 months. He can’t just behave well for a few months and get you to agree to marry him. He has to show you that he really has changed.

There’s probably a 90% chance that he’ll blame you and never do anything to change, and you’ll move on and find someone else to marry. But given your history together, the right thing is to give him a little more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much was he making before and how much is he making now? From what you wrote, he was trying to improve his sales numbers but it's not like he was outright stealing from the company even if his actions impacted their profit margin so I'm not sure I would say he was acting in bad faith such that he needs your forgiveness for losing his job.

I am amending this earlier post based upon your subsequently posted information. If they were arrested for embezzlement it sounds like he was doing a lot more than giving out a few discounts. It's one thing to push for a competitive edge or to make your performance look better than it is but it's quite another thing for that to rise to the level of embezzlement. My only qualification here is assuming the Company accurately represented the facts. Perhaps you can briefly chat with the lawyer to find out exactly what happened.

From my understanding- my fiance was giving out free and discounted merchandise, to incentive getting the contract. This job was hourly+ commission so they were giving out free stuff for their own financial gain. I am not sure if he or the managers were doing more. But this is what the fines boiled down to for my fiance. I don't know about the others.

I am speaking to a attorney on my own separately. I need someone to explain this to me and what impact this will have on me in the future if we decide to get married. I am tucking money away to be able to afford the fee I will not get married before this has happened. The only money I have left is in my 401k. I don't want to touch it.

[Anonymous]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If his managers were arrested, then the situation was worse than what he let you know or you're willing to admit to yourself. He committed a crime and he got off light. Instead taking responsibility and actively working to mitigate the effects of his wrongdoing on you, he seems to think he's a victim. It's all about how the situation affects him.

This is who you're thinking of making a lifetime commitment to.

[Anonymous]

Accountant here. Perhaps you left out some info out but nothing you have posted about your finances makes sense, let alone his, especially that he was in sales.

I wouldn’t marry him if:

- He did anything unethical
- He doesn’t know how to manage his money

[jabaltimore004]

Why are you considering marrying this person? If your only answers were about economic security and what he can do for you financially then you should get out, because he's not going to be able to provide that.

[Anonymous]

If the managers were charged, you should be able to get the charging documents. You need to read them very carefully, and see whether they align with your fiance’s story.

Sadly, it sounds to me like there is a good chance that you will be ending this relationship. Given that the sums involved are quite large for where your finances are right now, I would be very careful about putting more money into his problems right now.

[Anonymous]

Was he responsible of rent and bills before he lost his job? Does he not have any savings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out while you can.

You next posts if you marry will consist of one and/or some of the following:
-My husband isnt motivated in his career
-My husband cannot hold a job and its impacting our marriage
-I am starting to resent my husband
-My husband doesnt support my career goals
-I am in a rut in my marriage
-Did I miss the warning signs?
-He promised a bigger wedding after we got married in court and we are still struggling
-He keeps putting off children
-My husband keeps hiding certain aspects of his life from me


You either read this forum every day and think this is how marriage is and will go through with getting married, or you wake up, leave, and thank god you dodged a bullet.

This. Your marriage is going to be a complete train wreck if you don’t address this now. You aren’t being selfish for thinking the things you are thinking. You are enabling him and providing a crutch that’s preventing him form getting motivated to get his life back in order. I think you should move out and give him six months to get a stable job and a plan for his life.

[Anonymous]

An aside here for OP: You sound relatively young. While it’s good that you are minimally financially entangled with this dude, it could also be an issue when you go to rent your next place if you don’t have much of a rental or utility payment history. At least keep a credit card that you use and pay off regularly —maybe for gas or groceries—so that you have a recent credit history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only been 6 months--maybe he will get his life together... Give him a deadline and move on. Also, why/how could you add him to your insurance if you are not married?

Also, how was your HSA used for his medical supplies if you’re not married yet?

Interesting that OP is ignoring these questions. Something doesn’t smell right here.

[Anonymous]

Don’t marry him. Wait a year. He should be working at McDonald’s or wherever besides his PT job to help pay the bills.

[Anonymous]

Stop enabling him. He needs to figure it out. Budget? He should have gotten a lone from his parents, sold his car and you all move to a studio.