How to cope with mother who is needy, emotionally abusive, and manipulative? (LONG POST)
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Anonymous
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(LONG POST WARNNG! Sorry everyone-would still love any advice)
Growing up, my own mother (now age 75) was very inattentive and emotionally distant, and we didn't form any deep connection. She married my father very young, they divorced when I was in high school and then it was "her time" dating lots of different people, traveling, etc and leaving me and my siblings (I'm the oldest) to pretty much fend for ourselves. What I remember from my childhood is her on the phone gossiping about everyone or going out with her friends. Even though I grew up outside of DC, we never went to museums, a play, a movie, the zoo or anything. She never read to me, or helped with homework or showed any interest in my education (I was the first in my family on both sides to go to college). She did start a business to support us and she did mostly pay for college. I learned the hard way that she had stopped paying tuition when I was almost kicked out of school. Fortunately a dean took pity on me and walked me through loan applications so I could stay. She always wanted me to be her best friend, and she would confide in me about her boyfriends and sexual awakening after being married to my dad for 16 years (which I did NOT want to hear). When I was 18 she encouraged me to be in a relationship with my dermatologist who was 40 years older than me because he was very wealthy and could buy me whatever I wanted. I dated him for a few months, then got out of what was turning into a very controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. Fortunately, I met a wonderful guy and we've now been married for 30 years. We bought a house in DC when we first got married and we've been here ever since. We have a great life, very successful professionally, well-off financially. Our kids are out of college now with successful young lives of their own. My parents both remarried and live in the suburbs. My father also was distant and then dropped out of my life for a while after the divorce. I like my stepmother, and they both have their own hobbies that they do and are financially stable. My relationship with him is fine, though not terribly close. I've never really gotten along with my stepfather, but have tolerated him because he makes my mother happy. He's racist, bigoted, and extremely irresponsible with their finances. For years, there was always a get rich quick scheme to invest in, and their house is mortgaged to the hilt. He looked down on people like my husband and me for going to college and shlepping into an office every day. He fancies himself an entrepreneur, but he's never been wildly successful. My mother is a hoarder and spends thousands of dollars over the years "collecting" ephemera-think Beanie Babies, Happy Meal toys etc. She's not messy or anything, and she keeps all of her stuff displayed and clean. But I am not exaggerating when I say there is not even a spot on her walls that doesn't have something on it. I get extreme anxiety when I go to her house because it's so jammed with stuff. Someone is always knocking something off the walls or the counters. Nevertheless we all troop out there (she lives about an hour away from DC) for holidays. My mother has gotten increasingly more needy as the years have worn on. At first she begged us to move out to be closer to her, now demands that we see her and visit with her and my stepfather weekly. (When I had the chance to study abroad in college, she begged and told me she couldn't stand it if I was that far away, so I turned it down. After we got married, we almost moved to California, but she convinced me to stay local, and so I talked my husband out of it. Both decisions I regret to this day.) I have tried to put up some boundaries, with daily phone calls, and meeting her for brunch or dinner out. The phone calls are always her gossiping about her friends, family or complaining about some potential medical issue. She doesn't really want to hear about what's happening in my life or any non-gossipy "news". She shows up at my house every couple of weeks to drop off food or something she bought for us with my stepfather in tow. He has cancer but she has him drive her all over the DMV visiting friends, going on short day trips, etc. As I've gotten older, I've been able to see my mother more clearly. Her gossiping about people always gets back to them, and she has very few good friends. She can never sit still, and when we go over there, she's still on her phone (now with a major Facebook obsession!) and still doesn't really engage or interact with me or my family. (Even though she would always beg for the grandkids to visit her, when they were little, she usually sent them into the tv room by themselves.) She did try to help out when one of my kids was born with a medical condition and she would come over to give me a break. But she was never really helpful-I usually ended up cooking for everyone and having to pay attention to her when my child needed me much more. She sends me texts talking about how she doesn't really have a daughter, she's all alone, has no friends, etc etc. She goes on an on about how I never spend time with her, go over to her house or take her to dinner. The truth is I don't really want to hang out with her. I have a job, do a lot of volunteer work, try to keep my house in order, hang out with my husband and kids and friends here. Even though I think I do enough for and with her, it's complicated since we're within an hour's drive, and she expects so much more of my time and attention. She has no medical issues or ailments, though she always complains about her health. I don't think any time I could spend with her would ever be enough, but I still end up feeling guilty and like a bad daughter. My husband says no way, she's controlling and manipulative, but her last set of texts really bummed me out. She said again that she's all alone, and no one cares about her and my stepdad and it's not going to ever change "until they are dead". She has these outbursts every few months, and I usually just ignore (I've tried suggesting she go to a doctor for depression-she rejected it completely. Says she just needs me to do more with her.) I think she wants to control me to do what she wants, when she wants. She wants me to be the perfect doting daughter she can brag about on Facebook. I have been following the "person can't change, you just have to change how you respond", philosophy because I can't force myself to give in to her manipulations. I don't jump up and deny and proclaim my undying love for her, and promise to be better and go to her house all the time. Usually, I'll try to call her more and check in, but it's exhausting, and depressing. I am not sure if I should just say, we're done here or what? Any advice from people with similar mom/daughter dynamics? Is there a support group for whatever this is? I don't know where to go from here. Sometimes I dream that we will finally move far away. Thanks for reading this long post. I felt like there was so much background I had to share. And it was helpful to get a lot of it out of my head and into the ether! |
Anonymous
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It looks like she’s dealt with ADHD and anxiety all her life, and now she’s sad because Life is winding down and she never learned coping skills to deal with it, just distractions. You encourage her to seek medical attention, and therapy. You help her out with practical things, and disengage emotionally. My husband had to do that with his bipolar father. |
Anonymous
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First and foremost, know this: You've been a good daughter, to the best of your ability.
Secondly know this: Your mother believes she has been a good mother, to the best of her ability. But she appears to be a damaged person with an inability to truly to connect with others. It seems like she wants an audience, not emotional intimacy. You are right when you say that it's too late to change personalities or even some behaviors at this point. All you can do is recognize them when they crop up, and respond accordingly. Fundamentally, I think a lot of your mother's issues can be boiled down to one word: fear. She is afraid of intimacy with other people (thus, objects and collections have greater importance.) She is afraid of her financial future. She is afraid of losing her husband and the financial mess he will leave her in. She is afraid of getting sick. She is afraid of being alone. Like you, she has regrets in her life. She wants closeness with other people but she doesn't know how to achieve it. Her gossiping to/about others, guilt-tripping you, acceptance of her husband's bad behaviors, and obsession with pseudo-relationships on Facebook are some classic signs of an insecure person who desires attention and will grab it by the fistful any time she can. Throw in a bit of narcissism and voila - you've got a difficult mother. I think you are on the right track by controlling your own responses to her. You are an adult woman with your own family - that is your priority. Obviously, you don't want anything bad to happen to your mother and should maintain a certain level of contact to ensure she is OK, but you don't owe her constant attention nor do you need to acquiesce to her every demand. I think your husband (like many spouses) can often see family issues more clearly. He is right when he says she is controlling and manipulative, and you know it yourself. It sounds like he has your emotional back so lean on him when you are feeling a bit down. In the meantime, try a different strategy with your mother. Start small. Tell her you would like to set up specific days during September where you will get together with her. Tell her it's a busy month for you, DH and your family. Then set up a couple of Saturdays/Sundays where you will make plans for a certain timeframe. Either dinner, visiting them, them coming to your home, etc. And stick to it. If she tries guilting you into more time, just rinse and repeat the original message - you have other plans/requirements in September and these are the days you are available. If she can't make those days, try for a reasonable alternative but don't back down on the amount of time. You also don't owe her a phone call or text every day. Start training yourself to just set aside her frequent texts and briefly respond to them every other day. Will she squawk? Of course. Let her. Just go back to my initial point and repeat it to YOURSELF: You have been a good daughter, to the very best of your ability. Always have been, always will be. |
Anonymous
| 9:51 has EXCELLENT advice! |
Anonymous
| Wow thank you all for your responses. And to 9:51 you have honed down the essence of what I have to do in such a way that I could never get my head around! I think I knew I would have to spell out these parameters, but I just felt so overwhelmed thinking about it. I would try to set boundaries, but then cave in and it would go all out the window. I think you've also hit the nail on the head for my mother's emotional problem- She's extremely insecure and paranoid, and I have wondered if she's got a touch of narcissism, but didn't want to accept it. Now that I have put this into words and gotten such good feedback, I feel like I can do this. My husband has been great and he tries to tell me not to worry about it, but I still end up feeling like garbage. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response with action items! I appreciate this so very much. |
Anonymous
This is also a really good point-I think the last decade or so has been about distractions, to keep her from thinking about tough life issues. thank you for this |
Anonymous
I am SO impressed with that response and the one above it. I want to add, OP, that I am so impressed with the way you did NOT become your mother! You have an innate ability to step out of the emotion of it all and look at the actual facts of the situation and that will take you far. My parents are cross-country and I have to tell you that, in my opinion, it makes things worse because you have the added stress of having to drop everything to help when needed, which hasn't allowed me to go back to work, because it's not fair to an employer to have to run off at the drop of a hat. My parents are both now physically frail so that is a very real probability. |
Anonymous
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I know 8:11! The responses were so helpful and thoughtful and affirming that honestly I started to cry. It’s taken me 20 years to see my mom for what she is, and it’s been difficult. I used to jump at her every call, go see her all the time at her house, include her in parties or dinners with friends at my house and it was never enough.
And you note a great fear of mine: I have always been very very afraid that I would turn out just like her! I am always on high alert for some similar behavior like over parenting or trying to insert myself into my kids lives, or if I get too obsessed with what my kids are doing. I never make demands that they see me or do what I want. Regarding how I react to my mother I think that staying really flat and un emotional with her is the only thing that has kept me sane! The day I finally had the epiphany that I had to change how I reacted to her instead of fueling and enabling her craziness, was the day I honestly had some mental relief. It’s so so hard. I always think it would be better if she lived much farther away, but sounds like no! I don’t know what we all are going to do as our parents get older and more in need of daily assistance. Someone told me recently that they are buying a house big enough for both sets of parents to be able to live with them as they aged, and I thought who can really do that? It’s not financially sustainable for most people or mentally healthy for people to have to do this. But I can see it is a definite possibility with my mother at some point because she will likely not be able to support herself. |
Anonymous
| Long post = boundaries needed |
Anonymous
| Remember OP, all you owe is a weekly call to make sure there's no catastrophe. You don't have to be abused or manipulated, and should not feel guilty for stepping away from it. |
Anonymous
OP this is my mother as well, though it manifests differently. |
Anonymous
| I definitely agree that you need to set boundaries that you feel comfortable with. I just can't help thinking about the other side though when I read these posts about needy mothers. Can you have an honest convo with her and figure out how BOTH of your needs can be met? You do love her and want her to know that AND you also need to not feel overwhelmed by her. It's a tough balance. |
Anonymous
NP here, but people who are like this aren't able to empathize and think about things like this. They see the world only as how it relates to them. |
Anonymous
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OP you are a good daughter. Your mother is manipulative and controlling. You do need to put boundaries in place. Your mother is asking too much of you, it isn't healthy.
You should have a look at Out of the Fog forum. It has so much useful information for these types of relationships. I think it will benefit you immensely. |
Anonymous
I agree. My mother is like this. It's all about her all the time. Limiting contact is the only solution. |